Key Points
Healthy relationships are based on a sense of balance and a willingness to provide unwavering support and attention when it’s needed.
But people who are high in narcissism often demand an endless supply of support without offering anything to their partner in return.
Signs of an unhealthy imbalance include emotional manipulation, withholding information, avoiding blame, and refusing to meet their partner’s emotional needs.
Most couples describe a healthy, loving relationship as a give-and-take relationship. Sometimes, one partner needs the other’s attention, support, and love in a one-sided way. Then, later, things may turn around, with both partners accepting to give to each other as needed, while also understanding that they will receive that unwavering support and attention in their time of need.
Now, imagine that the relationship wasn’t built on this unwritten expectation that both partners are there for each other. Imagine a relationship where everything is given value, and one partner is in the relationship to accumulate as much value as possible. The entire relationship is based on one partner getting their needs met and not giving anything back to the other.
Understanding Narcissistic Supply
Let’s take a closer look at the type of individual who might be in this type of toxic relationship. In most cases, there is a narcissist, an individual with an insecure attachment. In other words, they never received the comfort, love, and attention that a caregiver would provide early in life. There was no understanding that others could be trusted and had good intentions. Instead, the child learned that people could not be trusted, and it was more important to protect themselves by accumulating as much value from the other person as possible and keeping all of that value for themselves.
In this system, the child learned to trade for the caregiver’s attention and affection. This distorted their ability to interact and connect with others in meaningful ways in order to protect their sense of self. As the child matures and enters adult relationships, this pattern continues and creates a toxic dynamic.
Narcissistic supply is what the narcissist demands from their partner. It can be obtained through barter or manipulation. However, the goal is always for the narcissist to obtain a never-ending, desirable supply of:
- Sex without personal or emotional intimacy
- Winning in every aspect of life
- Control of the environment, the partner, and the lives of others
- Unlimited attention and admiration
- Feelings of power and grandeur
The narcissist does not care about the emotional or mental health and well-being of their partner. They require a constant level of narcissistic supply, which often leads to them leaving the relationship to fill an emotional void or hole in their being. Some people think of this as akin to a car’s gas tank; no matter how carefully you drive, you need to constantly fill the tank, which is similar to the narcissist’s constant need.
Signs Your Partner Has Narcissistic Supply Needs
Narcissists don’t start out in a relationship with these constant demands. Early in the relationship, they may be the perfect match. You are the center of attention, and they seem to fit everything you want in a partner. Your interests become their interests, at least in the early stages of the relationship. Once you are in the relationship, the demands slowly begin to build. Along with manipulation and undermining your sense of self, the demands begin to mount to meet the narcissist’s supply needs.
Signs of this behavior include:
Demanding that you do what the narcissist wants without any regard for your wishes
Expecting constant praise and attention for everything that goes well while not taking responsibility or blame for anything negative inside or outside of the relationship
Accepting that they are the leader and decision maker in the relationship
Not accepting that you have your own goals, while expecting you to drop everything to help them achieve their goals
Constant manipulation, ignoring, and other forms of manipulation
Sudden periods of completely ignoring you or intentionally withholding any type of interaction without a clear explanation or reason
Working with a therapist who has experience with toxic relationships is key to recognizing these behaviors and assessing the relationship. In many cases, ending the relationship is the best option for healing. The narcissist is often unwilling to acknowledge or accept the harm he or she is causing and make the changes necessary to rebuild a healthy, positive, and mutually supportive relationship.
