Hi, my name is Natasha Adamo, and I’m a recovering people-pleasing disease. I’ve had a people-pleasing disease my entire life and made it my mission to be the perfect version of everyone else. I was never happy with myself, I was never safe, and more than anything… I just wanted to fit in and be liked.
Recovering from people-pleasing disease has been one of the hardest paths to follow. I still find myself every day trying to fall back into my old programming.
So how do you know if you have people-pleasing disease?
And if you are a people-pleaser, what are some real ways you can put an end to it once and for all?
Does any of this sound familiar?
When interacting with someone, you worry more about how they’re looking at you than you care about the conversation. Then, you feel debilitating anxiety, reframing everything, and berating yourself. You obsess over every move and every word said because you realize you were never really interested in the conversation. You confuse testing with connecting. The only way to please others seems to be to be submissive to yourself.
You are a rushing, overly agreeable person. You would rather agree, fit in, feed someone’s ego, tell them what they want to hear, etc. than be honest and express your opinion.
You care about everyone’s opinions – even people you barely know.
You tend to overvalue relationships where you have to work for love, acceptance, and validation.
You google “body dysmorphic disorder,” “social anxiety,” “I feel ugly all the time,” “why doesn’t he want me?” etc. You hate your appearance and mimic others’ style because you are unsure of who you are. You are a chameleon and change to fit (please) whoever you are with. You may even notice your personality starting to change around certain people/groups.
Related : 10 signs you’re dealing with a master manipulator (according to psychology)
You put people who aren’t worth your time on a high pedestal and give them second (third, fourth, fifth) chances they never deserved.
You keep experiencing the same results with different people.
You avoid confrontation.
You feel like you have to lie about little things to get people to like and accept you.
You find more comfort in trying to be “perfect” for others than in living and telling your truth.
You are constantly frustrated by how negative and vulnerable you are.
You hate that you have no control when it comes to oversharing.
You are ashamed that your boundaries and standards are always being negotiated.
Your romantic relationships are with emotionally unavailable narcissistic partners.
Your friendships are with controlling friends who always make all the decisions and run the show.
You freeze up when people ask you directly what you want.
You are constantly disappointed, hurt, abused, and misunderstood. No one cares or gives as much as you do, yet they always get all the appreciation, love, and benefits.
You get stiffed by the slap on the wrist that others get.
You suffer from emotional constipation.
You gravitate toward versions of one or both of your parents emotionally, professionally, and/or in friendships.
Related : 7 warning signs your partner is emotionally manipulating you
How to End Pleasing?
Acknowledgement and Accountability.
The two common denominators of the disease of pleasing are low self-esteem and a lack of boundaries. Because of this, you end up becoming a magnet for toxic relationships. Not acknowledging (and taking responsibility/accountability for) this connection is like having very pale skin and wondering why you burn after an hour in the sun without SPF. If you’re exhausted from being on the hamster wheel of the disease of pleasing, you need to work on your boundaries and self-esteem. Start small — when you feel happiness approaching, remind yourself that you are enough, just as you are. And act on that acknowledgment.
When you decide to close the door on your illness to others, everything changes. Friends, family members, and romantic partners who once had access to you will no longer be able to push your boundaries and push you into “how high can I jump for you” mode. They will no longer be able to evade pleasing you because you are no longer ignoring yourself.
Do you know how dermatologists say that your skin is a window into what’s going on inside your body? Your relationship history is a window into yourself and the relationship you have with yourself. Overcome your fear of looking through that window. Life will not end. It will finally begin—on your terms instead of anyone else’s.
You need to worry more about the effects of your depleted self-esteem (and the diminished respect others will have for you) than about your fear of deviating from your programming to please people.
You have everything to gain and everything to lose. The choice is yours.
