If you’ve ever read this, don’t get me wrong, we had a lot of good moments that I still remember and talk about. They are also the ones who helped me get rid of all that toxicity.
But since the day you left, my eyes have opened again.
I woke up to the realization that you wouldn’t be here anymore. Your farewell paralyzed my hand from writing.
Finally, with a little courage inside me, I tell you that I miss you. Although I know that’s not true. I can’t help but feel the void you’ve created in my world.
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I miss the way you were so close to me.
I miss the endless, selfless love we used to have.
I miss how you used to make my face light up with the ecstasy everyone kept commenting on.
I miss how our lives used to be; There is no room for anyone else to interfere.
I miss the names you call me.
I miss our walks and the times we looked at the stars.
I miss our shared laugh.
I miss the way you care for me.
I miss the way you used to spoil me.
I miss the bouquets and chocolates you brought me to make up for our big fights.
Most importantly, I miss the person you were when we first met or thought you were.
I can’t find much to miss because our relationship was mostly toxic.
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I don’t remember many good moments; All I see are the endless fights, the way you want control, the way you always felt like your masculinity was threatened, the way you felt jealous of anyone else getting close to me, the way you felt competitive with the world, the way you felt competitive. With the world. anger.
I don’t remember many of our romantic details.
I remember you used to control who I talked to and who I went out with.
I remember you criticizing me, my family, and my friends.
I remember you getting weak from every joke I made.
I remember you allowed people to come between us.
I remember that you always give me less than I deserve.
I remember you complaining about things I didn’t want to do.
I remember you deliberately viewed my strengths as flaws.
I remember you talking about how I’m suffocating you, and how selfish I am because I always want to see you every chance I get.
I remember you accused me of isolating you from the whole world.
I remember abstaining from many things I wanted to do just because of your ignorance.
I remember loving my life and living it the way you want; As if it were your game and you were controlling the switch.
I remember your problems that weighed heavily on me and weakened my knees as if they were a debt I paid in exchange for your love.
I remember the revenge that burns in my veins when you say that every mistake is my fault.
I remember how it hurt me every time you told me that I would never admit my mistakes.
I remember the countless times you insulted me, and how politely I would then ask to be treated better.
I remember you frowning at me every time I forgot, and I didn’t care how it got out of my hands, no matter how many times I made excuses to you.
I remember that you were very angry with me simply because I did not devote all my attention to you in public.
I remember you praising your pride and talking about it not being trifled with while you made me bury my pride in the dirt a long time ago,
And I also remember that you put that above me and everything we build together, above our promises to never let each other down, above agreeing that “I can never get close to your pride.”
I remember standing with you against the whole world, but you let me down when we were trying to take our first step toward spending eternity together.
I remember assassinating your raging storms when you turned the tables on me.
I remember you asking me not to get close to you and then blaming me for not making an effort to appease you.
I remember you when I was unable to bear my sadness.
I remember you starting to fight after I had a good day or coming back from a good walk made me feel like happiness wasn’t for me.
I remember biting my tongue and ignoring everything that hurt me because I couldn’t handle another fight with you.
I remember the night you decided to walk away and leave everything behind, as if you were the sad one as if you were the one who had a huge, bleeding wound in his chest!
I’m not trying to play good and bad guys here. You were not the devil and I was not the angel. But the pain you caused by running away opened up a lot of wounds that I thought would one day heal.
I won’t deny the way you left me.
And I won’t deny the fact that your love has made me despise the idea of loving another person, or love at all. I even despise the fact that love now must be directed to myself and nothing else but myself.
Now I can understand everything you did to me. I can say that this is what they call “abuse”. I don’t remember much about what I was like before you. But I don’t remember ever being so broken and depressed inside.
