The narcissist’s appeal is two-fold, and this leads to weak power. We’re drawn to a narcissist’s flamboyant charisma while their unwavering confidence reassures us, which is why you might get into a relationship with a narcissist — even if you know it’s a bad idea.
Narcissistic people come in an endless array of different sizes and shapes. However, there is one thing that all narcissists have in common: the ability to attract others like a moth to flame.
It’s human nature to be attracted to that strong sense of exclusivity that a narcissist exudes — and to make you feel in return.
Related: Can Narcissists Change? Here’s What You Should Know
#Here’s the deeper reason why you might feel attracted to a relationship with a narcissist:
1. Narcissists are very charismatic and easy to be attracted to (at first).
There’s nothing like the feeling of basking in the glow of a narcissist. This is why you may find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist. But that moment in the spotlight comes with a high price: feelings of abandonment.
24-year-old Bryce hung up the phone and was filled with confusion after the conversation he had just had with his mother. Last week, he helped her fix her computer, and she was very loving, appreciative, and impressed by his skills.
However, when he told his mother about his promotion to technical supervisor at work, she seemed almost disappointed. “I thought this happened several months ago,” she said before changing the subject.
2. You are stuck in a cycle of needing approval and abandonment.
Veronica let out a long, nervous sigh as she thought about knocking on her husband Vincent’s study door. She finally got her two young children to sleep. She needed his input on the romantic weekend plans they were making. After gathering her courage, she knocked on the door.
“I told you not to disturb me in the evening, and tonight is no exception,” he answered through the door in a tone of controlled anger.
Whether your narcissist is your parent, partner, spouse, or friend, your relationship will likely follow a certain predetermined pattern. One day, you may be on top of the world and feel needed, appreciated, and affirmed in your relationship. The next day, unfortunately, you may feel invisible, or worse, abandoned.
3. It is difficult to escape its attraction.
This push/pull dynamic is built into the narcissist’s personality. That’s because they are responding to their inner needs every moment of every day. They don’t even realize that you are a separate person, with feelings and needs of your own.
When your narcissist needs you, he wants you – and that’s a great feeling. But when the narcissist doesn’t need you, suddenly, he doesn’t want you and throws you aside.
It’s hard not to feel abandoned when this happens.
Related: The Real Reason Why Strong Women Attract Narcissists
4. You crave their love and acceptance.
It is painful to have a narcissistic mother or father. You may find yourself in the same position as Bryce feeling appreciated and loved by her one day and then forgotten, ignored, and abandoned the next.
If the narcissistic person in your life, like Veronica, is not a parent, but rather your partner, spouse, or friend, then, of course, their role in your life is different. But again, you’ll find yourself oscillating between enjoying the warmth of the relationship when it begins and feeling rejected, lonely, and abandoned when it ends.
Related: The Painfully Honest Reason You Always Attract Narcissistic Men
To save yourself from narcissistic abandonment, consider these three steps.
1. Be aware of what is happening.
It’s not you, it’s them. They don’t give up on you. They respond to their inner needs. Sadly, but also conveniently, none of this relationship is probably about you.
2. Recognize your feelings of abandonment for what they are: a warning sign.
Your feelings are a message from your body. When you are in a relationship with a narcissist, the message of your feelings of abandonment is: “Be careful because what happens once can happen again.” This message is your body protecting you. It would be helpful if you listened to him.
3. Anti-drag.
When a narcissist needs you, he or she will come back to you. They may flatter you, support you, or offer explanations or apologies.
One of the main ways to protect yourself is to find other ways to feel accepted and loved in your life. Start building a life that gives you the healthy affirmation and love every human needs. Doing this will make you less likely to attract your narcissist when the time comes (which it likely will).
Keep in mind that your narcissist may not be intentionally manipulating you. Instead, they are driven by their own needs. To them, you are something that only seems lovable to them when you meet those needs.
As painful as it is to admit, there is freedom and healing that comes when you finally accept this important truth: Just as is the case for Bryce with his mother and Veronica with her husband Vincent, when it comes to your relationship with your narcissist, none of this is about you.
Childhood emotional neglect (CEN) occurs automatically when you have a narcissistic parent. And growing up with this experience can make you more likely to form relationships with narcissists later in your adult life as well.
