The narcissist’s appeal is two-fold, and this leads to weak power. We’re drawn to a narcissist’s flamboyant charisma while their unwavering confidence reassures us, which is why you might get into a relationship with a narcissist — even if you know it’s a bad idea.
Narcissistic people come in an endless array of different sizes and shapes. However, there is one thing that all narcissists have in common: the ability to attract others like a moth to flame.
It’s human nature to be attracted to that strong sense of exclusivity that a narcissist exudes — and to make you feel in return.
Here’s the deeper reason why you might feel attracted to a relationship with a narcissist:
- Narcissists are very charismatic and easy to be attracted to (at first).
There’s nothing like the feeling of basking in the glow of a narcissist. This is why you may find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist. But that moment in the spotlight comes with a high price: feelings of abandonment.
24-year-old Bryce hung up the phone and was filled with confusion after the conversation he had just had with his mother. Last week, he helped her fix her computer, and she was very loving, appreciative, and impressed by his skills.
However, when he told his mother about his promotion to technical supervisor at work, she seemed almost disappointed. “I thought this actually happened several months ago,” she said before changing the subject.
- You’re stuck in a cycle of needing approval and abandonment.
Veronica let out a long, nervous sigh as she thought about knocking on her husband Vincent’s study door. She finally got her two young children to sleep. She needed his input on the romantic weekend plans they were making. After gathering her courage, she knocked on the door.
“I told you not to bother me in the evening, and tonight is no exception,” he answered through the door in a tone of controlled anger. #Here’s the deeper reason you might feel drawn to a relationship with a narcissist:
- Narcissists are very charismatic and easy to be attracted to (at first).
There’s nothing like the feeling of basking in the glow of a narcissist. This is why you may find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist. But that moment in the spotlight comes with a high price: feelings of abandonment.
24-year-old Bryce hung up the phone and was filled with confusion after the conversation he had just had with his mother. Last week, he helped her fix her computer, and she was very loving, appreciative, and impressed by his skills.
However, when he told his mother about his promotion to technical supervisor at work, she seemed almost disappointed. “I thought this actually happened several months ago,” she said before changing the subject.
- You’re stuck in a cycle of needing approval and abandonment.
Veronica let out a long, nervous sigh as she thought about knocking on her husband Vincent’s study door. She finally got her two young children to sleep. She needed his input on the romantic weekend plans they were making. After gathering her courage, she knocked on the door.
“I told you not to disturb me in the evening, and tonight is no exception,” he answered through the door in a tone of controlled anger.
Whether your narcissist is your parent, partner, spouse, or friend, your relationship will likely follow a certain predetermined pattern. One day, you may be on top of the world and feel needed, appreciated, and affirmed in your relationship. The next day, unfortunately, you may feel invisible, or worse, abandoned.
- It is difficult to escape its attraction.
This push/pull dynamic is built into the narcissist’s personality. That’s because they are responding to their inner needs every moment of every day. They don’t even realize that you are a separate person, with feelings and needs of your own.
When your narcissist needs you, he wants you – and that’s a great feeling. But when the narcissist doesn’t need you, suddenly, he doesn’t want you and throws you aside.
It’s hard not to feel abandoned when this happens.
Related: 3 Infuriating Things To Expect When Breaking Up With A Narcissist
- You crave their love and acceptance.
It is painful to have a narcissistic mother or father. You may find yourself in the same position as Bryce and feeling valued and loved by her one day and then forgotten, ignored and abandoned the next.
If the narcissistic person in your life, like Veronica, is not a parent, but rather your partner, spouse, or friend, then of course their role in your life is different. But again, you’ll find yourself vacillating between enjoying the warmth of the relationship when it begins and feeling rejected, lonely, and abandoned when it ends.
To save yourself from narcissistic abandonment, consider these three steps.
- Be aware of what is happening.
It’s not you, it’s them. They don’t give up on you. They respond to their inner needs. Sadly, but also conveniently, none of this relationship is probably about you. - Recognize your feelings of abandonment for what they are: a warning sign.
Your feelings are a message from your body. When you are in a relationship with a narcissist, the message of your feelings of abandonment is: “Be careful because what happens once can happen again.” This message is your body protecting you. It would be helpful if you listened to him. - Anti-drag.
When a narcissist needs you, he or she will come back to you. They may flatter you, support you, or offer explanations or apologies.
One of the main ways to protect yourself is to find other ways to feel accepted and loved in your life. Start building a life that gives you the healthy affirmation and love every human needs. Doing this will make you less likely to attract your narcissist when the time comes (which it likely will).
