For me, one of the best examples of narcissistic parents is The Lucky Luck Club, based on a novel by Amy Tan. In the film, a woman flashes back, and in voiceover, tells her story of becoming a chess champion under the protection of a child. As the film recounts one of her early triumphs, the woman’s voice says, “Even at that age, I knew I had an amazing gift: this strength, this belief in myself… That was the only part of my life, to this day… where I trusted myself completely.” The next scene cuts to the little girl walking around her neighborhood with her mother, who is holding a Life magazine with her daughter on the cover. She greets everyone on the street, shows them the cover, and introduces her daughter as a “chess champion”—while taking credit for her daughter’s talent. “Why are you using me to brag?” the little girl, humiliated by her mother’s narcissistic behavior, declares. “If you want to brag… why don’t you learn to play chess?”
Most of us can relate, on some level, to scenes like this—to the ways our parents over-communicated or lived through us, as a reflection of themselves. But when dealing with a narcissistic parent day in and day out throughout your childhood, the impact can be devastating.
For example, in The Joy Luck Club, the little girl stops playing chess in retaliation for her mother’s interference. Her mother responds by giving her the silent treatment. Weeks later, the little girl makes an effort to regain her mother’s approval and announces that she has decided to play chess again. Without even a glance, her mother coldly replies that it won’t be easy for her anymore.
This biting remark shatters the girl’s confidence, and as her mother predicted, she can no longer win. Her voice concludes the story by saying, “This strength I had, this confidence in myself… I can already feel it’s fading… All the secrets I once saw… I can’t see them anymore. All That I can see are my faults and weaknesses.”
The problem with narcissistic parents is that although the focus seems to be on the child, there is little respect for the child in their parenting style. When her daughter insults her ego, the mother in the film no longer sees any benefit to the little girl’s talent. She did not support her daughter in playing chess because it made her feel good or gave her confidence. She supported her because it allowed her to feel like a winner, to enjoy her child’s accomplishments, and to take credit for skills that were not her own.
The obsession or focus a narcissistic parent shows on their child often has to do with the emotional needs of the parents themselves. Narcissistic parents promote their child’s “greatness” and encourage their talents, claiming that they love their child and are sacrificing themselves for the child’s future. In reality, the opposite is often true. The supposed support these parents provide is a great deal of pressure, while the love they feel they are giving their child is emotional starvation that drains the child.
In my interview with Dr. Pat Love, a psychologist for PsychAlive.org, she wisely pointed out that the best thing a parent can do for their child is to have their needs met as an adult by other adults. When we work with our children, it is very important to constantly ask ourselves, are we taking action to meet their needs or are we using the child to meet our needs? Are the hugs we give them giving them something or taking something away? Is their performance in school important to us because we care about their future or because we care about our performance as parents?
Oftentimes, we use our children to compensate for our own unfulfilled goals or limitations. When we feel unfulfilled in our lives, we can become overly identified with our children. In the name of “selflessness,” we can selfishly lose perspective and focus all of our dreams and desires on them.
A narcissistic parent doesn’t apply this pressure simply by being strict or demanding. They do it by praising and supporting their child, just as they would themselves. In doing so, they may believe they are helping the child grow into a competent, confident adult, but unfortunately, they often do the exact opposite.
When we praise our child for qualities they don’t have or exaggerate their skills, we are holding them back. We are arming them with the burden of being great or “the best.” They often grow up fearing disappointing their parents or feeling pressured to please their parents, when the opposite is true. They carry a constant weight on their shoulders that can prevent them from truly reaching their full potential.
The emptiness these children feel can manifest in the form of an inner critic or “critical inner voice” that reminds them that they are not good enough, that they need to be the best, or that they are nothing. Because their parents only value their accomplishments when they think about them, the child never truly feels good enough. They even struggle to develop a sense of self.
One woman I met recently described how her mother constantly compared her to other little girls around her. “You are so much prettier than her,” “She is better at this than you, but you are so much better at that,” etc. This led the girl to develop an internalized categorization system. Throughout her life, she found herself constantly categorizing herself and others, without even thinking about it. Her mother’s competitive feelings with her eventually led the woman to make these comparisons herself. As an adult, her mother’s voice was ingrained in her mind, leaving her to continue to put herself down or build herself up automatically in every interaction.
Although this almost always happens unconsciously, as we grow up we tend to repeat patterns or apply our parents’ prescriptions to our lives. We can break this cycle as parents by seeing our children as separate individuals. We can acknowledge our children for the true qualities they have and support what they love to do. For example, instead of saying, “The picture you drew is amazing! You’re the best artist,” we can say, “I love all the colors you used in that picture. It looks like you had a lot of fun drawing it.” Think about the impact your words, actions, and attitude will have on your child as a person. Do you want them to grow up to work hard to achieve their goals, or to give up when they realize they’re not up to the task?
As mindfulness expert Dr. Donna Rockwell so eloquently put it in another recent interview with PsychAlive.org, “The best way to teach [our children] is to care about them as people. Instead of saying, ‘I want you to be a doctor or a lawyer or a candle maker,’ find out what you love in life, what interests you, what you want to be… They are born already gifted, already good at something, and we destroy that if we try to negotiate how they will grow in life.”
The most we can do as parents is provide for our children’s needs, love them for who they are, and help them develop into unique individuals who are capable of handling themselves. We should always aim to care about our child’s character more than their appearance. What kind of person is he? Is he kind? Empathetic? Patient? Resilient? By leading by example, we can help our children become independent and, therefore, more confident in the world. When we do this, we teach our children that it is okay to fail and that they are strong enough to persevere, overcome challenges, and improve to become the person they strive to be.
