The Danger Of Perfectionism: How To Overcome Perfectionism In 7 Steps

From my own life experiences, coupled with the training of thousands of people around the world, I am convinced that perfectionism, just like over-sharing, is a response to trauma. It’s an emotional defense/reaction mechanism that we think will heal the pain embedded in our DNA, and we don’t even know how to start treating it.

It’s much easier to keep avoiding Un and dealing with trauma, holding ourselves usually to a level of impossibility and then, punishing ourselves for not being able to achieve what we already know is impossible.

Here’s an example of perfectionism at work:

I decided that I wanted to get out of the winter cold and go on a warm vacation on the beach. Therefore, I go to Aspen, Colorado (a landlocked country) in the middle of a snowstorm. I convince myself that if I look good enough in a new designer bikini I just bought (which needs to fit me perfectly), the weather and conditions will magically absorb my efforts.

When the weather does not get sunny at all and the snow starts to get harder, I beat myself up.

“If she looks better in this bikini, the sun will shine!”

“You need to make an even greater effort!”

“I told you that you will never be good/lucky/cool/attractive enough for a warm vacation in nature!”

“How can you be so stupid to think that just a bikini will get the sun to go out and the beach to show up? You look terrible in this bikini!”

“Get in better shape and then, perhaps, you will have the luck that everyone has.”

This example seems obnoxious to you because it is. It’s overrated. But perfectionism is really that obnoxious – regardless of the situation.

What is perfectionism?

According to Wikipedia, ” perfectionism, in psychology, is a broad personality style characterized by a person’s interest in striving for perfection, perfection and accompanied by critical self-assessments and concerns about the assessments of others.”

Related : Are You Codependent? 3 Ways To Overcome Codependency

My definition of perfectionism is when you put yourself in an environment of impossibility/unpredictability (which is basically, life) and then associate your value as a human being with the impossible that is being achieved.

It is the most self-defeating way by which you can prepare yourself.

Perfectionism is about the need to prove your worth to the outside world that you cannot locate inside. That’s why a lot of perfectionism involves superficiality. It is a deep-rooted dependence on getting validation as a means of emotional oxygen.

It’s also about control. Although you are experiencing pain and suffering, now you are at least the one with the remote control (unlike when you were a child or in the last one-sided dead-end relationship).

Perfectionism is the origin of self-sabotage; the mechanism that starts when we think we have no choice but to internalize the behavior of others and make it all a definition of our value. That’s why I couldn’t break the most destructive habits or end the most toxic relationships.

When you suffer from perfectionism, the keyword is “suffer” because suffering is the only thing it generates.

What causes perfectionism?

Dealing with the UN trauma that most likely occurred when you were at your most voiceless, defenseless, and helpless.

The trauma in my childhood hurt me. My solution became holding myself to the lowest level I could ever perfect.

Imagine holding your pet defenseless animal that depends entirely on you for survival-to a perfect level. You will most likely be imprisoned for animal cruelty and your pet will be taken away.

So, why on Earth don’t we keep doing this to ourselves?

Because it’s all we know.

For me, I always knew deep down that no matter what, I could never reach perfection. Therefore, perfectionism has become a way to fill my self-fulfilling prophecy; reinforcing negative beliefs and reducing that I was worthless and unable to ever achieve success.
There is always an upcoming event where you can “redeem” yourself. (It never happens).

I don’t know if I’ve experienced this but when I was in the thrones of perfection, my life became nothing more than a constant preparation for the next event (it could be the casual encounter) where I could finally, finally, “redeem” myself for another “failure.”I was planning everything Polish, outfit, tan, hair, how I was going to behave, what I was going to say/not say (mostly lies), etc., Etc. I convinced myself that if I could check every proverbial box, then my new life could begin.

But by the time the event rolled around, I had exhausted myself so much that I deviated from my ” plan.”And, of course, no one is perfect. I inevitably disappointed myself and did not reach perfection, and after that, I took a heartbreakingly cruel and unfair inventory of what I needed to adjust, achieve, and tweak for “the next time.”

My life has become more than ” next time.”

I was also very cruel to others. I expected them to achieve what they could only hope and pretend.

Perfectionism and anxiety

Of course, perfectionism causes anxiety. It caused me such anxiety, that anxiety ended up moving into what I think was full-blown OCD.

In all of the cultures that I come from and grew up in, perfectionism is admirable. It’s encouraging.

Unfortunately, it’s used as a measure of the love and space that is given to you. And so the others in the family who performed better than me will get a slap on the wrist for what I will be crucified for.

Those who raised me had the absolute best intentions. They just failed to see that holding me at the level of perfection (which they could not achieve) hindered me because I was always guessing myself; always beating myself up for failing to meet the bar that they set impossibly high. This created a dependence on her validation, approval, and Love – a love that should never have been given to me conditionally as a child (I’m not saying this from a victim mentality at all).

How to overcome perfectionism in 7 steps

1. Boundaries are necessary-with others and with the critical public in your head. Boundaries are a recognition of value. Criteria are the criteria that must be met to reach this value. When you realize (at least) that you have a fundamental value as a human being on the planet, you will stop relying on others to tell you what you deserve.
2. Learn how to say ” no.”
3. Do some cost assessment. When you go to the mall and see something that you want (and may feel that you deserve it) but can’t afford, what do you do?

Did you steal this item? No.no.

Why?: You cannot afford the cost (reputation, financial, moral, etc.) From theft.

How can you benefit from sticking to perfectionism? What is perfection costing you? Can you continue to bear this cost emotionally?

I always say, “Pay attention to the cost limit.”The moment something starts costing you your mind, health (mental and physical), happiness, and soul, it’s time to declare bankruptcy on nonsense.

4. Be the child you didn’t have to be. It’s okay to mess around. To be real is to be flawed. True love and true beauty can not exist in an environment of perfection. What makes them feel and look “perfect” is the beauty that exists in reality; in reality. And reality is never perfect, but it will serve you more than illusion at all.

Allow yourself to mess up; sharing something gratuitous humanizes you and makes you more accessible, human, and accessible. You will be amazed at how your life has turned out.

5. Self-compassion is the key. You became a perfectionist because of a wound from your past. Go back to that person you were; forgive them and forget to remember to hold a grudge against those who caused you pain.

You have some sympathy for your younger self (who was ready to perform). And also, have some sympathy for your adult self. Your only available method of self-protection was to stick to a standard that you could never beat. How unfair and uncool is that?

Be nice to you. Through all this, you have never let yourself down. Your heart is still beating, isn’t it?

6. Delete/remove any accounts that make you feel less than + all the negative people in your life from social media (which may include friends and even family). Anyone who drains you is out, anyone who lifts you is in.
7. Limit your time on social media (and your phone in general). One of the best investments I have ever made is the recent acquisition of a foldable phone. I take it with me 80% of the time I go out and I don’t work. If there is an emergency, I have a phone. But to be separated from emails, photos, social media, texts can’t begin to describe how wonderful it was. I’m noticing things in my environment that I haven’t noticed before. I feel calm. I am happier and fully present.

Just because you can respond to people at the speed of light because they can reach you, it doesn’t oblige you to participate – never forget that.

Stop trying to achieve something that you already are.

Your humanity, your humility, your heart; it is your flaws that make you feel * perfect * for healthier relationships, high-quality people, and your dreams come true.

[mashshsare]