The honeymoon phase of your marriage will always rule if you masterfully balance the rhythm between intimacy and independence.
Separating for the first time is a rite of passage for most newlyweds. We experienced it ourselves recently when Constantino left town for a short business trip.
He was sad to be away from home and talked about how much he missed David. David, on the other hand, was enjoying the idea of a night alone but was feeling guilty as he was looking forward to it.
We’re new to this marriage, and we’re still working on that difficult balance between intimacy and independence.
We are both introverted. We love our friends and our community so much, but nothing relaxes us more than an evening at home alone. These moments together are when we are best at building our love maps.
However, we like to call Constantino a “duo,” meaning an introvert who can recharge not only when he’s alone but also when he’s alone with just his spouse. To Constantino, David relaxes.
On the contrary, David is more of a classic introvert: he likes to be completely alone to recharge.
As someone who has difficulty getting in touch with his emotions, David needs the absence of external stimuli for him to be able to recognize his feelings and assess his inner well-being; Otherwise, it separates him.
Although many of our needs overlap, there are differences in our needs for time together and time alone, and sometimes it becomes a source of stress in our relationship.
Dr. John Gottman points out in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work that one partner often ignores the other not out of spite but because of each other’s needs for intimacy and independence.
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“Marriage is a kind of dance,” says Gottman.
“There are times when you feel drawn to your loved one and times when you feel the need to step back and renew your sense of independence.”
The potential for conflict arises when spouses fall at different points on the spectrum in terms of their needs. Some people desire more frequent contact, while others crave more independence.
David recognizes his need for greater independence, but often has trouble expressing it. Early in life, he picked up on the false belief that his needs are not important or valued, so he finds it difficult to ask for time alone.
He fears that Constantino will interpret his need for independence as a rejection.
Furthermore, this particular need is often hard for him to pin down because David also loves being with Constantino; Their time together is fun, so it’s easy to forget that solitude is important to his well-being.
Constantino likes to do the normal things together: errands, chores, and exercise. Intimacy is important to him even in the routine activities of life.
As we are constantly strengthening our love maps, he understands David’s need for some alone time and can sometimes figure this out before David does.
In such cases, Constantino offers to go to a café in the afternoon or run errands on his own so that David can have the apartment to himself. It’s a sweet, gentle act that results in huge rewards for the marriage and both partners.
Trouble arises when David fails to express his need or when Constantino feels empty or insecure in the relationship. The two problems are often linked.
If David ignores his need for independence, the abundance of intimacy begins to generate resentment.
When David begins to feel crowded, he withdraws emotionally and stops responding to “quotes,” or those small requests for each other’s attention, humor, or support.
The effect is that Constantino, who thrives on being timely and touching, feels there is something wrong with the relationship.
His method of mending the emotional hole is to go deeper into intimacy, which is the exact opposite of what David needs. It turns into a downward spiral that can lead to harsh words, hurt feelings, and the need to repair the relationship.
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We’ve learned to balance the tug-of-war between intimacy and independence by first filling our emotional bank accounts and then talking about our needs out loud.
We focus on building a strong positive relationship by going about our bids for each other throughout the day. This makes us feel connected and united.
When we’re feeling emotionally full, it’s easier for David to ask for time apart and easier for Constantino to understand.
We also work to build trust by making an application that involves compromise.
For example, David might say,
“I want to go for a walk alone this evening, but can we plan to see a movie together tonight?”
Or Constantino might say, “I’d like you to come with me to this event on Saturday night, but you can do whatever you want on Sunday.”
In this way, we ask for what we want but also acknowledge the other person’s needs.
Constantino has another business trip coming up, and this time we know how to approach it: David will enjoy alone time without feeling guilty about it, but he’ll also text Constantino to make sure he knows he’s loved and missed.
Constantino will understand the value that time apart offers and honor this space as a way to recharge David. Because our needs are different, we know that this tension between intimacy and independence will always be there.
