Key Points
Narcissists’ lack of self and internal resources makes them dependent on others to validate their weak self-esteem and fragile ego.
They use others as objects to provide for themselves.
Like parasites, no matter how much you give, it will never be enough to fill their void and satisfy their hunger.
If you feel drained and resentful, likely, that you are not getting your needs met, and you need to evaluate why and whether you have set boundaries.
Narcissists crave their needs met. If you are in a close relationship with a narcissist, they expect you to provide for them. The term “narcissistic provision” originated in psychoanalytic theory regarding the basic needs of young children to maintain their mental and emotional balance. The loss of necessary provisions in childhood can lead to depression and later attempts to obtain them through addiction and other means.
Narcissists’ lack of self and internal resources makes them dependent on others to validate their weak self-esteem and fragile ego. They only validate themselves through their reflection in the eyes of others. Despite their outward appearance of self-confidence, pride, and self-flattery, they crave constant attention, respect, and admiration and fear being unwanted.
How Narcissists Get Their Supply
Narcissists use others as objects to provide their supply. Freud identified two main paths to satisfying the narcissistic supply: aggression and flattery. Ultimately, he called them sadism and submissiveness. To gain admiration and get their supply, narcissists use various strategies, including impression management. They professionalize themselves by using their charm, emotional intelligence, bragging, seduction, and manipulation. Receiving attention and admiration reinforces their self-deprecating weakness and lack of self-esteem.
They manipulate and try to control what others think to feel better about themselves, making narcissists dependent on acknowledgment from others. If you refuse to provide what they want and need, they resort to their secondary means: aggression with narcissistic abuse. They attack you and belittle you. By excluding you, in their eyes, their self-image rises. In relationships, they can become sadistic. As their abuse escalates, their partners and coworkers become passive and submissive to avoid being attacked and to maintain the relationship. By assuming the role of submissive, you create an unhealthy dynamic in relationships with the narcissist.
Types of Narcissistic Supply
Since their sense of self is determined by what others think of them, narcissists use relationships to enhance themselves. Everyone must feed them. Additionally, they seek validation and attention in their public and professional lives. Other people are used as objects to provide their supply. For example, they may need constant compliments or applause, more status, and money, or they may check their appearance in the mirror multiple times a day. Some examples of narcissistic display are:
Praise and flattery
Professional achievements and success (even if by cheating or using unethical means)
Monetary gain by any means
Status symbols, such as a big house, a golden toilet, an expensive car, and five-star restaurants and hotels
Associating with celebrities, public figures, and other high-status people and institutions
Wearing designer brands, accessories, and expensive jewelry
Winning
Alcohol, drug, or other addictions
Sex
Provoking arguments, emotional reactions, and chaos
Receiving awards
Attention in the news or social media
Admiration and love from romantic partners
Having a partner who is desired by others, such as a trophy wife or an influential or successful husband
Expressions of gratitude
Narcissistics’ Unfulfilled Needs
Narcissists, like a drug addict, are in search of survival. They crave recognition and have an insatiable need for admiration. Psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut observed that his narcissistic clients suffer from profound alienation, emptiness, helplessness, and a lack of meaning. Beneath the surface, they lack sufficient internal structures to maintain coherence, stability, and a positive self-image to support a stable identity.
The narcissists’ early losses, emptiness, and needs are so great and painful that when they are not met, they mentally disintegrate. Thus, their need for their supply is never-ending. They require constant reassurance from those around them, but, like parasites, no matter how much you give, it will never be enough to fill their emptiness and satisfy their hunger. Their need is constant and relentless. Like vampires who have died from within, narcissists exploit and drain those around them. Once their charm wears off, notice if you feel drained around the narcissist.
If you continue to sacrifice yourself for them, you will also feel empty and dead. You may begin to experience what it was like for them to have a narcissistic parent who was intrusive, cold, or unavailable. The vampire Lisa Rice in the vampire trilogy had an emotionally empty mother who was devotedly attached to him and used to survive.
Trying to please them feels like trying to fill a bottomless pit. The pit is their inner emptiness, which they are unaware of, but which they expect others to fill. Of course, this is impossible. Instead, focus on meeting your own needs and healing your emptiness.
