When dating someone who grew up with one or both narcissistic parents, it is important to understand the underlying dynamics of your relationship. Of course, not every child of a narcissistic parent develops a narcissistic personality. Some researchers (Winnicott, McWilliams, et al.) have noted that having at least one narcissistic parent can suggest a narcissistic personality, but it is not a necessary prerequisite. However, certain unique challenges can arise when you are in a romantic relationship with the adult that child has become.
If you are dating or were raised by a narcissistic parent, you may want to watch out for the following signs. If recognized, they can be addressed, and this can be done within the relationship. I will discuss five of them.
- Use and Exploitation
A Narcissistic parent often builds relationships with their children by using their children as narcissistic extensions of themselves. The narcissistic parent does not see the child for who they are. Rather, they use them to meet their own needs.
Troy Steiner and colleagues (2021) discuss evidence supporting the idea that narcissists’ brains show increased activity in areas associated with negative affect and emotional conflict when looking at their photos compared to photos of friends or strangers. This highlights how vulnerable narcissists are to their appearance. Such a parent may exploit a child’s appearance for their gain. The child may then develop a distorted self-image, causing feelings of shame and emptiness. Unfortunately, such a child may later unwittingly project their insecurities onto their partner. They may also express their dissatisfaction with their partner’s appearance. For example, they may insist that their partner change their wardrobe or get cosmetic surgery, or they may demand compliments and struggle to cope when their appearance is rejected on a particular day or occasion or when their partner is in a specific mood. This can naturally lead to relationship strain. This does not necessarily mean that they are categorically dissatisfied with their partner’s appearance, but rather that they carry this learned dissatisfaction into their adult relationship.
It may also indicate that their dissatisfaction is meant to express something else, or that they lack the words or feelings to understand and communicate to their partner. What exactly this is can be explored and discussed by the couple or in therapy.
- Dating for gain or seeking gain
Children of narcissists may find it difficult to fully enjoy relationships and experience unconditional love. They struggle to love their partner for who they are and to be loved on the same basis. For them, a relationship has value when they gain something tangible from their partner, whether it be through social status, admiration, or financial favor.
The reason for such behaviors may stem from the person’s upbringing. As a child, they had to compensate for a parent’s lack of self-esteem and provide an emotionally confident inner balance for their parent. They also had to deal with a parent who expected to take advantage of them. Rothstein (1986) notes that what prevails in such relationships is self-directed motivation on the part of the parent rather than a desire to nurture in a “stage-appropriate manner.”
As a result of raising children of narcissistic parents to expect to give more than they receive, they may expect to receive more than they give in their adult relationships, even during times of stress. For example, when a partner loses their job, during pregnancy, after childbirth, during illness, or the loss of a loved one, etc. As a way of coping with not getting what they want or not getting enough of what they want, they may withdraw or seek attention elsewhere to compensate.
The lesson here is to learn and understand that giving is not synonymous with sacrificing, that taking is not synonymous with using, and that gains can be mutual, not mutually exclusive.
- Ignoring Feelings and Desires (of Themselves and the Partner)
Narcissistic parents tend to ignore their children. These parents often cling to the idea of the perfect child rather than accepting their child for who he or she is. The child’s feelings and desires are ignored and deemed worthless. As adults, these adults may do the same to their partner.
Let’s take an example. Imagine a child who wants to play the piano. His mother never fulfills this desire, even though she has the resources and time. She doesn’t see the value in it for herself (and the father prefers not to interfere).
The child then learns that the family norm is to ignore the desires of the people he loves. He may also learn to ignore his desires. Of course, if the child doesn’t see the value in satisfying his desires, he won’t see the value in satisfying yours or allowing you to satisfy them. He may devalue or ignore your desire if he doesn’t see the value in it for himself.
It’s important to realize here that a relationship thrives when both partners’ desires coexist when desires are not suppressed but expressed and acknowledged, and both partners should help each other fulfill their desires rather than stifle them.
- Difficulty Reciprocating Attention or Reading Emotions
An adult child of a narcissistic parent may not ask you how you are unless you ask first or even assertively express your need for attention. They’re used to feeling unimportant, so it’s no wonder they make others feel unimportant as well. This can inadvertently lead to the partner feeling unimportant or neglected.
The narcissistic parent has an image of how their child should be, not how they are. The real child is ignored in the present, and the child is expected to act according to the expected image of the child, not the real image. Narcissistic expectations dictate that the child conforms to the parent’s moods and interests and ignores their emotional swings, tendencies, or hobbies. Even when angry or confused, the child must always accept the parent because the narcissistic parent demands that the child “love me more than anyone else.”
They may not read facial expressions very well. Therefore, they do not see when a partner is upset, angry, or sad. This does not necessarily reflect a lack of empathy. This behavior may stem from the fact that the child of a narcissistic parent may not have experienced genuine interest from that parent in them. Just as with the example above where the parent ignores the child’s desire to play the piano, the parent ignores the child’s moods, feelings, and interests, and replaces them with their own. This is what Kohut (1977) called failure to function as a “responsive, empathetic self-object for the child.”
In this case, patience, compassion, and understanding go a long way and let partners know what the other partner is going through emotionally at the moment and what reactions they can expect from the other. Sharing feelings in real time also helps.
- High expectations and demands (and resentment of success)
Children of narcissistic parents often have high expectations for themselves and strict self-discipline. These children were expected to meet requirements, get top grades, or excel in sports. Their parents used them to make up for something the parents never had or never experienced. Now they demand the same from their partner. These people rarely offer praise to their partners. Instead, they push their partners to meet certain expectations and do not offer praise or validation, even when the partner succeeds.
Alan Rappaport (2005) notes that narcissistic parents expect their children to be responsible for them. Parents place excessive responsibility on the child, which is why the adult child expects others to be excessively responsible as well. They do not show satisfaction with their partner, just as their parents did not show satisfaction with them.
As a partner, you can separate your desires and goals. You can also learn to praise yourself. You can help your partner by highlighting your successes and insisting on recognition and appreciation. Verbal appreciation can have a profound effect on relationships.
Conclusion
One of the most prominent researchers of narcissism, Heinz Kohut (1978), asserted that narcissistic parents portray their children as perfect just as they portray themselves as perfect. In the adult relationship, the child then unconsciously wants to become the ideal parent. The main challenge for the child of a narcissistic parent is to detach from the partner’s internal image of the ideal parent. Only then can they see the partner for who they are, not who they are.
It can be very tempting for you to adopt the ideal image. It can portray you as a better, almost perfect version of yourself. Unfortunately, you will discover over time that you are not allowed to show your flaws or weaknesses because you are always expected to maintain this unrealistic image. Unfortunately, you may not be able to meet your partner’s high demands. This is one of those cases where the advice “just be yourself” works best.
It is worth noting that since narcissistic parents seek perfection for their children, your partner may unconsciously seek perfection for you. It’s not because they don’t love you. It’s because they don’t know any other way to build a relationship. For them, building an elusive idea of perfection is the only way to hold the relationship together.
The English psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott (1953) introduced the concept of “good enough mother” as a condition for a child to grow up in a loving environment, and it can be applied successfully to any relationship. What can help you as a couple is to learn the advantages of “good enough” versus “perfect.” Exploring and understanding what is good versus what is perfect—having the patience and courage to identify and appreciate the authenticity of yourself and your partner without sacrificing it—can teach you to appreciate and rekindle the imperfect but extraordinary bond you share.
