Did you know that abuse in relationships happens in stages? It doesn’t start right off the bat. It always starts out slow and only when the victim is addicted to the taste of love bombing does the romance quickly turn toxic. Understanding the stages of abuse in relationships can help us identify and move away from it before it escalates.

Abuse is often disguised as love

Mischievous people can be really funny sometimes. One moment they will tell you how much they love and need you, and the next moment they will break all your trust by insulting you, criticizing you, and controlling you.

Unfortunately, sometimes the people who claim to love and care about us are the ones who abuse us the most. This can be very confusing as the abuser might say things like –

“I’m doing this because I love you”

“I’m just trying to protect you.”

But that is not what love is like. True love is unconditional. It is built on a foundation of understanding, respect and kindness. Someone who loves you will never hurt you on purpose. However, the hurtful person will manipulate and control you for personal gain no matter how hurtful they may be.

Relationship abuse is a serious problem affecting millions of people around the world. It is not limited to physical violence, it can take the form of emotional, psychological and sexual abuse.

What are the stages of abuse

Understand the hidden stages of abuse in a relationship
While there is no one-size-fits-all solution to ending relationship abuse, it is important that we as a society recognize the signs and take action to prevent it from happening in the first place.

One of the most important steps we can take is to educate ourselves and others about what abuse actually looks like and how it develops in stages. The better we can identify the signs and patterns of controlling behavior, the better we can protect ourselves and escape the clutches of our abuser.

4 The stages of abuse in relationships

Abusers usually follow a predictable pattern of behavior as they gain more control over their victims. There are several distinct stages that abusers go through to normalize abusive behavior and ensure that their victim remains in control.

So what are the stages of abuse? Let’s take a look at the four stages of abuse in relationships –

Stage 1: The ideal
This is the honeymoon stage at the beginning of an abusive relationship. During this stage, the abuser showers the victim with compliments, gifts, compliments, and grand promises of a perfect future together.

When a potential abuser first meets the victim, he or she makes the victim feel special and loved in order to gain their trust. At this point, the victim feels that she has met her “prince charming” or “soul mate”.

The abuser presents an idealized version of themselves that slowly fades away once the abuse begins. The victim may tolerate some distressing behavior because of her enthusiasm for the relationship.

Microcontrol begins to emerge through the abuser’s jealousy or disapproval of friendships and hobbies. This is one of the most subtle stages of abuse in a relationship.

The second stage: verbal abuse
Once the abuser feels the victim is sufficiently invested in the relationship, the abuse begins. This often begins with subtle verbal jabs, and eventually criticism, threats, name-calling, and insults become frequent.

Every blemish, mistake, or disappointment repels an offensive tirade from the abuser. They blame the victim and degrade them relentlessly.

The abuser may choose the victim’s appearance, abilities, or personality to slowly chip away at their self-esteem. Gaslight appears to make the victim question their own memory and perception of events.

The abuse escalates over time as the abuser tests boundaries and sees how much they can get away with. Verbal abuse lays the groundwork for more intense coercion and control.

Stage 3: isolation
As the verbal abuse intensifies, the isolation begins. One by one, contact with external support networks is being cut off. The abuser will isolate the victim from friends and family who can provide support.

They may forbid contact with certain people, monitor phone calls and text messages, limit outings, or find other ways to isolate the victim from independent relationships.

Isolation reduces outside influence and prevents the victim from seeing alternative points of view. Isolation also allows the abuser to have complete control over the victim without outside interference.

Stage 4: Physical assault
Once the victim is sufficiently isolated and broken down, physical violence emerges. It usually starts with hitting, slapping, shoving, choking, hitting, or other aggression. Physical abuse is not just about violence, but about asserting power and control over the victim. No injuries are denied or victim blamed.

As the frequency of physical violence increases, the abuser gains confidence in his or her ability to exercise power over the victim. By this point, the abuse has cycled through idealization, abuse, and increased control for so long that the victim feels completely trapped and powerless.

While most abusive relationships involve these four stages of abuse in the relationships, some abusers may progress to severe beatings and torture leading to a rare and additional stage of sadism to achieve total control.

The final stage: sadism

Some abusers may derive pleasure from inflicting pain and suffering on their victims. This can include severe beatings, torture, coercive acts, mutilation, etc. They may attack the victim with dangerous objects, attack them for extended periods of time, or force them to endure humiliating and humiliating acts.

The sadistic abuser derives the thrill of completely controlling and controlling the victim, using them only as an object of abuse.

Most abusers usually do not progress to this sadistic stage, but for those who do, it represents the point of no return in terms of the psychological and physical harm done to the victim. It represents the total loss of humanity in the aggressor.

Not all abusive relationships progress through each of these four stages, but they are a grim cycle of control, coercion, and trauma. While these are common stages of abuse in relationships, the cycle of abuse may include variation in these stages.

Stages in the circle of abuses

The cycle of abuse refers to a recurring pattern of violence and abuse that occurs in abusive relationships. It usually includes the following four stages:

Phase one: building tension
The first stage of relationship abuse is characterized by the buildup of tension between the two partners. This is the period of relative calm between abuse incidents where tension builds up and minor abuse such as verbal abuse, emotional abuse, or manipulation builds.

In the tension-building phase, the abuser becomes increasingly irritable, critical, moody, and easily angered and controlling. They may use verbal or emotional abuse to assert their power and control over their partner.

The victim may try to keep the peace by avoiding conflict, over-conditioning, or walking on eggshells around the person who abuses them. During this stage, the victim may feel anxious, fearful, or anxious, but may not realize that the behavior is abusive. Tension mounts as the next abusive incident approaches.

Stage 2: Explosive Incident
This is the period of crisis where a major abusive incident such as physical violence, sexual assault or severe intimidation occurs. The tension reaches a breaking point and the abuser may physically, emotionally or sexually abuse their partner. The incident may stem from a minor or perceived disagreement or a stressful event.

The abuser may lose control and attack violently. This may include hitting, choking, or physical abuse. The victim may feel shock, trauma, or physical injury as a result of the accident. Intensity tends to increase during cycles.

The third stage: reconciliation
After the explosive incident, the abuser may feel remorse and apologize to their partner, and enter the honeymoon phase again. During this stage, the abuser may be loving and attentive and may promise to change his behaviour.

They will make grand promises and gestures to get the victim back. They will also confess deep love and regret, giving hope to the victim that the relationship will return to normal.

The victim may feel relieved that the abuse has stopped and may believe the abuser is sincere in their desire to change. The abuser may try to compensate for his behavior by buying gifts, doing chores, or being overly affectionate. However, this phase is often short-lived, and the assault may start again soon after.

Stage 4: Calm down
The final stages of abuse in relationships is the remission phase, which is a temporary period of not being abusive. During this stage, the tension between the two partners dissipates, and it may seem that the relationship is returning to normal.

The victim feels that things have really changed this time around. Eventually, however, the tension begins to re-emerge and the cycle of violence begins again with a tension-building phase. The victim may feel confused, trapped, or helpless, and may struggle to leave the abusive relationship.

Escape from the session

Relationship abuse is a complex and insidious problem that affects many people. Unfortunately, escaping an abusive relationship is very difficult. But with enough motivation, support, and help, many victims are able to free themselves from the grip of control and abuse.

It is important to recognize the stages of abuse, especially early on. Gaining outside perspectives, planning an escape, using resources, building support networks, and knowing that there are alternatives to remaining in a dangerous relationship can give victims the strength and means to leave abuse behind forever.

While breaking the cycle of abuse is difficult, a life without abuse is always the best option.

If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse in the relationship, there are resources available to help, including hotlines, counseling services, and legal aid. Remember, no one deserves to be mistreated, and there is always hope for a better future.