When you divorce and are free from a narcissist, will your life be the same as it was before? Can you get over the narcissistic abuse your ex inflicts on you?
There was a time when Aristotle believed that the Earth was the center of the solar system and that all luminous planetary bodies revolved around us, earthlings.
The narcissist has a similar attitude about his place in the universe. And anyone who is married or married to a woman knows this firsthand.
Those who haven’t been able to go “till death do us part” know that even life after divorce from a narcissist is no picnic.
Narcissists are, frankly, exhausting. You can never give enough, be enough, do enough, or flatter enough to satisfy your inflated sense of self.
They need the world to revolve around them, to see them as the biggest and brightest stars, and to praise them accordingly.
Therefore, it is understandable how narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder can be problematic in a relationship dynamic that needs equality, cooperation, and empathy to succeed.
If any entity in a marriage has the right to be narcissistic, it is the marriage itself, not the individuals.
If you’re trying to live your life after divorce from a narcissist, you already know how defeated it feels to be married to a narcissist.
But, if you’re in the midst of a breakup or divorce, you may have a rude awakening to your ex’s manipulative skills. You may also wonder if they will be able to prevent divorce altogether.
Before jumping into the realities of life after divorce from a narcissist, it’s helpful to summarize the defining traits of this selfish personality.
1. They expect attention and praise… all the time
They are, after all, entitled to it. When they don’t understand this, they can quickly become hostile or aggressive.
2. They lack empathy
The only feelings that matter are their feelings. Don’t expect them to walk a mile in your shoes any time soon.
3. They lack accountability
They take all the credit for what goes right and blame what goes wrong. Every failure, mishap, or disagreement is always someone else’s fault.
4. They demand perfection
They think they’re perfect, and they expect everyone else to be too… but on their terms, of course.
5. They are bullies
We all know that beneath that bully exterior lies a molten inferiority complex. They belittle and intimidate as a defense mechanism – anything to distance others from the truth of who they are.
6. They don’t listen or care
There is one opinion and one way: their opinion. A person with a narcissistic personality doesn’t have time to be bothered by other people’s meaningless bullshit, so they will interrupt them and take the stage.
7. Unable to have emotional intimacy
Don’t expect weakness, empathy, compassion, compromise, or any other relationship-building qualities.
Related: How I (Barely) Survived My Narcissist Mother
With a list like this, you might wonder how someone could be so gullible as to marry a narcissist.
But narcissists can be very charming, painting a big, dreamy picture of all life’s possibilities with them. The danger comes when someone else takes a position, expresses a different opinion or need, or stops the flow of compliments.
Life after divorce from a narcissist is not necessarily different than it was before divorce – at least as far as the narcissist is concerned. The what, where, and when may change, but the how remains the same.
The narcissist will not see the error of his ways, let alone care about its consequences.
But you may be surprised to discover that getting your life back after divorce from a narcissist is a hard-won accomplishment. You can learn how to move forward.
Here are 6 harsh truths that may define your life after divorce from a narcissist.
1. You may still be confused and paralyzed
Narcissists are adept at using criticism, mood swings, gaslighting, and double standards to extort their energy needs.
They know how to hide behind a charming public image to make you look like a crazy person.
2. Maybe you still doubt yourself
It is normal to continue to question your reality, your judgment, and your ability to recognize the enemy again.
Narcissists operate maliciously. They destroy your confidence, convictions, and self-esteem, one insult, denial, and lie at a time. Don’t be surprised if you don’t trust yourself to “do life” on your own yet.
3. Your ex won’t change
Just because you are no longer married does not mean that life after divorce from a narcissist will be complete freedom.
Narcissists never stop hungering for power, control, and self-gratification. So don’t be surprised if your ex tries to bring you down by making threats, sending abusive emails, or spreading lies about you.
4. Your ex will not disappear from your life
Especially if you have children together, you and your narcissistic ex will still be in each other’s lives. You will need to have very clear boundaries, document everything, and have a reliable support system.
The narcissist is not above tactics such as ignoring court orders or making false accusations. Remember that they are energy vampires and your divorce has deprived you of an immediate blood supply.
Creating chaos in your life (and even your children’s lives) is just another way to conserve the energy of self-absorption.
5. It may take some time for you to be able to defend yourself
Until now, you couldn’t say no or share your feelings without negative consequences. There’s nothing like ignoring, mocking, or yelling to shut someone down.
You may be surprised by your internal reaction when you feel the need to stand up to someone or something. The difference is that you now at least have the opportunity to take risks.
6. Unless others live it, they probably won’t understand it
It can be difficult for people to understand psychological and emotional abuse. No one who has lived it will ever ask: “Why didn’t you leave?”
Those who have lived in a psychological war zone know how complex and debilitating this experience can be. They may not be able to put specific words to it, but they get it.
Unfortunately, the people you want most and need to understand may not be able to do this. They may only see the slow accumulation of damage to your soul and life. But they still don’t understand it, empathize with it, or know how to talk about it with you.
That’s why dedicating yourself to a professional who can provide clarity and support can speed up your healing process as you deal with divorce. (This is something your narcissistic partner would never do!)
The reality of dealing with a divorce from a narcissist can be just as stressful as the reality of being married to a narcissist. Divorce, after all, does not push you toward overwhelming freedom and readiness for a healthy relationship.
But, even though your narcissistic ex is unlikely to change, you now have the green light to move on with your life.
You can examine your life and choices with courage that the defensive narcissist and false perfectionist don’t know. And you can make new choices that will create new relationships… and a new life.
Finally, you can look back and embrace the person you once were with compassion and security that you have never had until now.
