I almost dated someone. I was almost the chosen girl. You had a friend, at least you were about to have one. There was something there, but you weren’t sure what to call it.
There were no labels. There were no promises made out loud, only those silent promises that you could read from each other’s behavior.
But in the end, all you can call yourselves is that you’re “almost” together because nothing really happened.
You think you’re taking things slowly. It was as if neither of you wanted to rush things and you just enjoyed spending time together. At least that’s how it appeared.
But somewhere between taking things slowly and actually admitting your feelings, you find yourself stuck in this gray area that you can’t move through.
And that’s all you’re left with – frozen in time with so many possibilities but none of them happening.
You’d hope something close to that would turn into something real. You were hoping that you would be able to stand in front of your friends and introduce each other as more than just friends – as people who are dating.
You were hoping that you could tell your family that you were together and you were hoping that you could showcase your relationship publicly.
That you would be able to change your profile picture, that you would save each other’s numbers using your cute nicknames instead of just names, but that didn’t happen.
Nothing actually happened. All that remains is the hope that things will eventually change.
But no matter how long she waited, somehow, she stumbled and didn’t move anywhere. No matter how hard you swim, if you run or walk, you never move from the same place.
All that’s left are the “what if” questions: what if I said what I felt, what if someone actually made the first move, what if I asked for a label, what if you took responsibility, what if you weren’t afraid, what if you were braver, what if And what if… what if it happened, would you be able to be happy?
Will all your dreams come true? Will it be everything you want?
Even if it’s not a real relationship, it still hurts. It’s still a traumatic experience and the effects of a near-miss haunt you more than the effects of a failed relationship.
Because there are so many unfulfilled possibilities, there is so much hope that is frozen in time, there is so much dreams that will never see the light of day, there is so much that should have been, but never happened.
Even if it’s not a real relationship, it will still haunt you. It still breaks your heart. Depression is still your best friend.
Because it may not have been a real relationship, but the feelings were very much real. And the pain is very alive.
And at the end of the story, once you refuse to accept something that is up in the air and not there, you can’t help but ask yourself why you can’t be enough.
What’s wrong with you and how could you not be selected?
You can’t escape that feeling that this is something you did, that there must be a terrible mistake you made that prevented you from being chosen and from getting the love you deserve.
And even when you know your worth, even when you know you’re more than enough, you can’t escape all those questions that come in waves when you close your eyes.
You can’t get rid of this feeling that you were meant to be. You can’t accept that it won’t happen when you have every sign that it will.
And you can’t shake that feeling like you’ll always be a backup plan. That you will never have a love story of your own, that you will never get the love you deserve.
That you will almost always be just an option and that you will almost always be stuck in a relationship.
You end up disappointed in everything: life, people, and future relationships. You end up getting broken over something you don’t even know how to call it.
You end up wondering if you will ever be loved the way someone deserves to be loved. If you are ever chosen or if you will become more than just an option or a possibility that is never realized.
You end up wondering if you will ever be the one to win in life.
Well, let me answer this for you – if you learn something from your impending relationship, if you know that you are worth more than just being an option, if you walk away from a “relationship” that leads nowhere, you will win.
Even though the consequences of the relationship are almost always bad, at least you made sure you’re not stuck in it forever. At least you gave your future a chance.
At least you’ve made room for someone who will be more than willing to give you everything you deserve.
