If you had some sort of advance warning that you were about to enter a relationship that would consume you to the point of virtual destruction, would you stick with it?
Unless you’re a masochist, the answer is probably no. Once you’ve been in a relationship with an emotionally manipulative person, such as someone with narcissistic personality disorder, you’ll never want to do it again.
In emotionally healthy relationships, both partners encourage each other to continue ongoing acts of kindness, love, and respect. They are dependable and responsible and maintain their individuality and growth while encouraging their partners to do the same.
Emotional manipulators operate on different levels. Because they themselves are emotionally damaged, they believe they have to deceive and manipulate their partners to stay with them and they do this through control. In the early stages of a relationship, a campaign of destruction is launched, aiming to crush your independence and self-esteem while isolating you from family and friends.
That’s why it’s important to identify these relationship patterns early. Early detection will help you spot the narcissist from afar, allow you to know what you’re dealing with, and extricate yourself without investing a lot of time, effort, emotion, and resources.
You have put together a pattern of behavior that most narcissists use. When you recognize it, terminate it and get out as quickly as possible. Pass it around so others are aware of the patterns.
Here are the eight confusing stages of falling in love with a narcissist:
- They look larger than life
There is something special and unique about them, something that stands out. Even if they don’t have much to offer, you’re convinced that it’s only temporary, and with your help, they can really become something. She reveals a little vulnerability, a little character flaw, which she finds incredibly attractive. They fascinate you so much that they leave you thinking, why would a guy or girl want me like that?
They all seem to have at least one special feature that they prominently display (“taste”). If it is intelligence, they amaze you with their superior intelligence. If it’s beauty, you’re overwhelmed by them choosing you, when they can have anyone they want.
What you don’t realize is that this is one of those well-rehearsed plays.
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- They seem focused on you
First off, you don’t have to guess what they’re doing or thinking, because they’re calling and texting you all the time. It’s as if they can’t get enough of you, and you think, “Finally, there’s someone who can give me the love I need and deserve.” They want to know everything about you. Even though you may have some self-esteem issues, you really like the person you see.
They like you so much that they’ve convinced you to start liking yourself, and it all seems like a dream. You have butterflies, imagining your future together. It’s as if they put you on a pedestal and liking you is the thing to do. You feel really happy and hopeful for the future.
- They love to bomb you
“I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I’ve never felt this connected to anyone before. I can’t believe what you’re doing to me, what you’re making me feel. I just want you. You’re the one.” Phrases like this allow them to deepen the connection and move very quickly. This pretending is necessary to bond you and strengthen the relationship.
What they want most is to hook you, that’s their end game. They will say whatever is necessary to completely convince you that you will never meet anyone as wonderful as him and that no one could ever make you feel that way.
- They seek sympathy and show weakness
This is another deepening technique they use, and if you are codependent, have a big heart and a lot of empathy, this technique is for you. They have a story about why they were fed up. Someone did them wrong. It is never their fault and they are always the victims of someone else’s cruelty.
When you share something painful and traumatic with an empath, that’s their sweet spot. It turns on their anchor button and encourages them to listen closely, open up, and share their own stories. This deepens connection, builds trust, and inspires the reformer with the need to nurture, nurture, and heal the wounded soul with whom he has become infatuated. The repairer has the additional responsibility of helping to heal this hurt. It’s also an excellent kind of future alibi for someone with bad intentions. (“I told you I was a mess.”)
- They start giving you subtle warnings
“I’m too good for me. You can do better than me. I’m not good enough for you. You deserve better.” This may all sound nice, even if a little humble, but this is the closest a narcissist will come to telling you the truth.
You’ll shrug it off as a cute little endearment, but the truth is that these phrases are warnings. They know who they are and what they do and they know they are keeping secrets from you. Don’t ignore this.
- They start playing the withdrawal game
After spending so much time convincing you that you’re perfect, they start to withdraw. They may disappear for hours or days at first, and you start to think you’ve done something wrong to trigger this kind of change in her. It’s sudden, intense, and comes out of nowhere. Falling from the pedestal they put you on is devastating as you try so hard to make everything right again.
The more you try to communicate and make things easier, the more they will turn away from you. You are sad and reactive, desperately wanting to right the ship and doing things you wouldn’t normally do, in order to enjoy their limelight again and nothing seems to be working. You’re in a state of complete panic, desperately wanting someone to throw you a lifeline.
- They are in and they are out
This is a dangerous stage and is how addiction is formed. Any good drug dealer will tell you that the best way to get someone addicted to something is to give them a taste, get them addicted, and then threaten to take them away. That’s exactly what’s happening here. You rise when they come back, with promises of love and change, and then you fall when they abandon you again. This cycle can continue indefinitely until one party decides to end it. They can, and often do, shelve one source of supply while they pursue another and then return when their new endeavors fail.
The psychological warfare they perpetrated against you made you addicted, dependent, and broken, and robbed you of your sense of self and self-esteem. You are a mess inside and are barely functioning and keeping things together. All you want is for them to come back. You will forgive everything they did to you, as long as they come back and give you another fix.
Related: 3 Dead Giveaways Of How Narcissists Act In Romantic Relationships
- They blame you and evade responsibility
After they play it off and you still try to make them the person you fell in love with, you chase them with a lot of lies. They act strange and you can’t rely on them for anything. They make you act crazy with their behavior and point at you and say, “Look this is why I’m doing this because you’re crazy.” They will convince you that your reaction to the abuse is the problem, not the abuse itself.
