What is a narcissist? First, here’s my own definition:
Narcissist (noun): A person who deceives others into taking, depleting, and consuming their life energy (“soul”) because the narcissist lacks it.
Next, let’s break this down and take a closer look at narcissists and the Five Laws of Narcissistic Provision.
- The narcissist lacks life energy
It is common knowledge in the narcissist abuse recovery community that a narcissistic person requires a constant “narcissistic supply” from other people. This energy comes in visible forms, such as time, attention, effort, and sexuality, and fills in like an emotional punching bag.
(Money is a tangible object that we usually gain by exchanging our energy for it. It serves several roles in narcissistic abuse and deserves its discussion elsewhere.)
In other words, the narcissist depends on other people for some form of energy that they have (and can give), but that the narcissist lacks. Thus, the narcissist needs one or more human targets as sources of supply.
Without this active “display,” the narcissist experiences feelings such as boredom, irritation, panic, or anger. These symptoms are similar to withdrawal symptoms, so it seems that narcissism can be compared to addiction – dependence on energy received from other people.
What is this energy?
It is not electricity. It is not food or nutrition. It’s not sunlight, microwaves, or gravity. Narcissistic display is another form of energy that can be exchanged between people and used in the process of human life. It can also be used, hence the narcissist’s constant demands for it.
I call it “life energy”.
- Life energy “spirit”
Non-narcissists do not need this energy from others because we produce it within ourselves and use it for ourselves, kind of like having rechargeable batteries. We use this “life energy” to live and thrive as human beings. We also use the excess of it, beyond what we need for ourselves, as a kind of fuel to sustain our relationships.
If we run out of life energy, we need to replenish it by resting or “recharging” in some way. This is called “taking care of you”. We all need life energy just as we need food, and – also like food – we don’t have an unlimited supply of it. (Just ask anyone with kids.)
If we don’t have enough of this energy to give, our relationships suffer. When we continually give life energy to a narcissist (or anyone else) who constantly demands it, giving it drains us. Our supply becomes the narcissist’s supply. Ultimately, our relationships and even our health can fail because our life energy and vitality are drained.
This is how narcissistic abuse weakens the target, invisibly, from the inside out.
What is this “life energy” that is not electricity or food? It can take the form of time, interest, effort, or sex; They can be exhausted in the process of preserving human life, health, and relationships; Can it be shared or exchanged with others?
It is emotional energy.
Emotion or feeling is a function of the heart—not a physical muscle, but an inner, immaterial “feeling” of the human psyche. The heart, on a deeper level, is connected to the soul. (Another topic worth discussing elsewhere.)
Many people who have experienced narcissistic abuse describe the experience as “soul-crushing” or “soul-destroying.” Some have said that a narcissist “has no soul.” This is due to the narcissist’s constant demands for emotional energy from others, depleting their life energy, vitality, and “soul”…as if the narcissist lacks his own “soul.”
On the other hand, recharging our life energy—our emotions, our heart, our vitality—makes us feel good and strong from within; It is “good for the soul.”
- The narcissist takes, drains, and consumes the life energy of others (“the soul”)
Let’s look at narcissistic abuse from the other side, from the point of view of the narcissist’s target for the abuse (his or her supply source).
In “normal” or healthy human relationships, people give themselves to each other in some form of mutual understanding or reciprocity. What we give can be in the form of time, attention, effort, or sex—and we tend to receive these forms of energy from others in return.
In other words, “normal” or psychologically healthy people respect each other and reciprocate.
When we give our energy freely to others and expect no gift in return, we call this “love.” Love is how we share our life energy with our children. It is also how the (adult) narcissist expects and demands to be received from others.
The narcissist wants to freely obtain the life energy of others, without having to give anything in return. But the endless narcissistic demand for supply is not love. It is the opposite of love.
Love gives freely. Narcissism requires… for free. However, without the knowledge of the target who is willing to give freely to the narcissist, there will be no end to the giving nor the claims to it.
Children will eventually grow out of their normal “narcissistic” stage of development and stop asking for supply, to become adults who can produce the resources they need. Adult narcissists won’t because they’re stuck in the “narcissistic” stage of childhood development forever.
However, either alternately or all at once, they instinctively feel that they deserve this offer. They think they deserve it without having to work for it or reciprocate.
The narcissist doesn’t (and can’t) respect his target – because the narcissist is not mentally healthy. For whatever reason, the narcissist does not have enough life energy to give to others, or the ability to produce or even maintain it. But a narcissist can be very good at faking it.
- The narcissist deceives others
Ideally, a person has enough life energy to meet their needs and share some of them with others in respectful, loving relationships. I like to think of this as a cup that overflows and fills with others.
The narcissist, who lacks this life energy in his cup, seeks it from others—but, if he has nothing to give in return, the narcissist (like a child) can only take it. But the narcissist’s “cup” never seems full and is always asking for more and more and more endlessly.
No amount of giving to the narcissist seems to be enough.
Human life energy is not unlimited. Most people don’t want to endlessly pour their life energy into someone else’s “cup” on demand and deplete their energy until (and beyond) the point of self-harm. Psychologically healthy people may be willing to sacrifice their lives for love, but they are not willing to sacrifice it for nothing.
However, since this is exactly what the narcissist requires, he must, therefore, trick others into giving their life energy freely to the narcissist.
Deception is the primary (and also the easiest) way for a narcissist to get their “fix” of supply. The ways this is played out in a close relationship are all too familiar to the target of narcissistic abuse.
The narcissist lies. The narcissist cheats. The narcissist makes “future” promises. The narcissist swears by God for the lives and lives of the children. The narcissist cheats. The narcissist leaves…then comes back.
Nobody likes to be lied to. When the target has (given) enough, and the ‘fix’ of the offer is threatened, the narcissist attacks the target. The narcissist underestimates. The narcissist is to blame. The narcissist threatens. Narcissists attack the throat and defile the soul.
Narcissistic abuse. Why?
it is easy. The object of abuse is the source of supply. Abuse is how the narcissist keeps the show flowing.
But this is meaningless. How does it work?
For a young child who needs attention (the “supply” or emotional energy) from parents, even negative attention is better than no attention at all. Likewise, the narcissist thrives on others’ emotional responses to the narcissist, whether positive or negative.
Sometimes this requires the narcissist to provoke a negative emotional response. If this is successful (the narcissist gets the offer), and the target remains in the relationship (the narcissist gets the offer), then the narcissist has “won” (the narcissist gets the offer) – and is assured that the offer will continue (the narcissist gets the offer).
Thus deception leads to a powerful source of supply…if the narcissist chooses well…and the target proves his or her willingness to stay with the narcissist…by enduring the narcissist’s disrespect, lies, and abuse…which imparts the target’s vitality to the narcissist…as merely a temporary “fix” of supply…and potentially destroys her soul and health relationships…issue.
- A narcissist is a person
Perhaps a narcissist is a broken person. Perhaps the narcissist is an injured child, forever trapped in an adult’s body. Perhaps the narcissist is a very spoiled and abusive adult. Perhaps a narcissist is an unfortunate soul, possessed by a demon. Perhaps a narcissist is a soulless person. Perhaps the narcissist is a real-life vampire who feeds on other people’s life energy rather than blood. or a humanoid robot, or an alien posing as a human in an “abducted” human body.
I don’t know. What I do know is that to deal with a narcissist, it doesn’t matter who or what the narcissist is – or how they got that way.
No matter what we may think and feel about the narcissist(s) in our lives, under every law of human society, narcissists are people, and we should treat them as people. This attitude towards them is necessary, to protect ourselves and our children.
However, this does not mean that we have to claim to ourselves that a narcissist is (or acts or thinks) like the rest of us.
After enduring the torture of narcissistic abuse, it can be easy to see the narcissist as not being a person: an evil, self-serving, all-consuming, slippery, sneaky, mendacious, sadistic shell of a creature that only looks like a human…but has no real person inside.
This perception may be correct.
However, we must remember that narcissists have the same rights that we do under the law, as human beings, as adults, and as parents. We may all be aware of his ability to concoct lies—and believe them wholeheartedly, with a convincing emotional display—but in court, the narcissist’s word is as good as ours, unless we gather very convincing evidence otherwise.
Therefore, we must remember (and be able to) back up our words with facts. We must be able and willing to obtain documentation and even witnesses whenever we know we are dealing with a narcissist, especially when we have children with one.
We may not like it, we may not know it, but to the narcissist, we are the enemy.
Not only the enemy but also the food. a potential source of power supply. A narcissist is a predator, like a lion or a crocodile—not someone to “heal,” or help, or be patient, or give the benefit of the doubt “this time” or (yet) “another chance” (to consume you).
What does this mean, and how do you break the laws of narcissistic display?
Never forget that for all practical purposes, and in everyone else’s eyes, you are dealing with someone just as decent and rational as you are (and often, based on appearances, even more so) than when you are dealing with a narcissist.
Therefore, your best bet is to stop dealing with the narcissist as much as you can right now. You cannot win a battle for your soul when the battle itself is destroying your soul. So fight as little as possible, get as far away as you can, and stay there.
This is the only way to win.
Once you are away from the narcissist, your life energy can begin to recharge, your vitality can begin to return, your cup can begin to fill again, and your spirit can begin to recover. Only then can you be good to everyone else, because only then will you have enough energy to take care of yourself and share with those who need and deserve it.
Fighting with a narcissist will only empower the narcissist and weaken you—and the people you care about, too. If you continue to fight with a narcissist, you will not be able to help others, or even yourself, because you will be feeding them narcissistic substances, while remaining a dead center in the narcissistic vortex.
