Don’t use these four positive personality traits when you’re in love with, working with, parenting, or friends with a narcissist. These are wonderful traits that are useful when presented to “normal” people who do not have the traits that characterize a narcissist:
An abundance of empathy
A strong desire to rescue and help
The desire to put in more effort to make the relationship successful
Strong sense of responsibility
On the other end of the spectrum are the traits of a narcissist:
Exploitation between people
Lack of empathy: Unwillingness or inability to recognize the feelings and needs of others
Negative reaction to criticism (they may interpret our request to have our needs met as criticism)
– Difficulty admitting mistakes or taking responsibility for their bad behavior
Using fear to control people
One example of how not to act around a narcissist comes from my long-time narcissistic relationship:
My live-in boyfriend didn’t come over until 7 a.m. from his “boys night out.” I was ready to go out with him. Make him admit he was cheating on me so I can get the proof I need to break up with him. Instead, he came home and cursed me. Did you call his friend Colin at 4 am to find out where he was? (Controlling me by making me fear that I have done something wrong). Yes, I called Colin.
My strong sense of responsibility began to be misplaced. And I started to doubt. Maybe it was my fault that he stayed out all night because I was always trying to track him down. He said it was no wonder he couldn’t commit to a woman who acted like “white trash.” He said that if I could trust him and stop trying to control him, his bad behavior would stop.
The abundance of my compassion and my need to try harder were affected. I forgave him for staying out all night because maybe I was a bitch that made him want to rebel.
So, I just had to do my best to tolerate his inconsistencies, unreliability, and betrayals (if I could put denial aside). Since he was tired from his night out, he “didn’t want to discuss our relationship at that time.” (My desire to rescue and help kicked in and I let him off the hook. At least I didn’t make him breakfast!)
Don’t let emotion blind you from reason! Our sexual organs often don’t care if our lover is a narcissist. So, how can you protect yourself when you’re in a relationship with someone like this? By learning how not to act around a narcissist who uses your positive personality traits against you.
Learn all the narcissistic personality traits somewhere in your body where you can see them (for me that would be my stomach)
Entering Codependency Recovery (Twelve-Step Recovery Is Amazing)
Use emotional detachment to stop trying to manipulate, rescue, fix, or please narcissistic people
Never reveal what hurts you or makes you feel vulnerable to a narcissist
Athena Staeck Ph.D. “Expressing vulnerable emotions is vital to life balance and peace of mind, but only do so with safe others – never the narcissist. The narcissist uses this information to get into your mind, instilling fear to steal your sense of self, by paralyzing your mind’s ability to think clearly. This means that while you are pouring your heart out and spilling your guts, the narcissist you are talking to, like a mad scientist, is only listening to collect data… to implement strategies to exploit your mind, heart, and soul for his sole gain.”
