Key Points
Emotionally intelligent people often act as magnets for narcissists.
Understanding this dynamic can help emotionally intelligent people spot narcissistic tendencies before investing in a relationship.
There are four stages of narcissistic manipulation: attraction, feeling small, sabotage, and countering manipulation with kindness.
Many emotionally intelligent people often feel like magnets for narcissists. The constant drama and pain that narcissists cause are degrading and frustrating. A person may fear that they embody a fatal flaw that attracts narcissists. However, the flaw may be a gift. Understanding how this gift clashes with the narcissist at different stages of a relationship can help.
Emotionally intelligent people are typically empathetic, in tune with others’ feelings, and self-aware. Understanding the interplay between emotionally intelligent traits and narcissistic tendencies at different stages of a relationship can help a person see through the abusive dynamic more quickly. It is crucial to distance yourself from the narcissist before investing too much.
Stage 1: Attraction. The narcissist is often deeply attracted to the emotionally intelligent person. He or she strives to be close to someone warm and caring. Likewise, the emotionally intelligent person is flattered by the narcissist’s attention and charm. The narcissist showers the person with compliments and validation, which the emotionally intelligent person appreciates. The narcissist is so supportive that he or she appears emotionally intelligent. This honeymoon phase typically lasts until the partner is seriously invested in the relationship. Then things change.
Stage 2: The narcissist feels small. He or she thinks the emotionally intelligent partner has something powerful that he or she wants but doesn’t know how to get it. The ability to connect with others on a deep level, to be aware and understand what others are feeling, and to sense and express one’s emotions allows a person to help, heal, and maintain close, healthy relationships with others who also possess these abilities. Feeling that the partner has abilities that he or she lacks creates resentment. The narcissist does not understand power because he does not “speak the language” or “understand the currency,” but he wants it. However, over time, the narcissist realizes that it is a commodity that cannot be extracted from the partner and owned, so he turns to something else.
The narcissist manipulates and exploits the emotionally intelligent person’s talent. He punishes the partner for embodying something he cannot take away and own. He exploits the partner’s trust, time, generosity, loyalty, and compassion, taking advantage of what cannot be taken away.
For example, the narcissist does not have a real close relationship with his child and is jealous of his emotionally intelligent partner’s connection to the child. He says negative things about her to the child behind her back and constantly exploits her by demanding that she manage the difficult parenting. He takes over when it is fun. Slowly and steadily, the narcissist works to erode the emotionally intelligent person’s relationship with his child without her knowledge.
Stage 3: The narcissist seeks to sabotage and destroy the person he is jealous of. The narcissist feels internal anger when he sees the emotionally intelligent partner exploiting his power; he tries to destroy it by framing it as a weakness. For example, an empathetic partner may easily relate to his daughter’s disappointment when she is intentionally excluded from a group of friends. He empathizes with what his daughter is feeling and relates to understanding the emotional pain his daughter is going through. His daughter feels understood, less alone in her plight, and close to her understanding mother. Feeling better, she feels empowered and calls several other friends to make plans. She successfully organizes an outing to the park with friends.
However, the narcissistic parent berates his partner, calling her “soft.” He gives her a pamphlet on empathy and his “attachment” to aggression. He then takes his daughter out for ice cream and tells her that she shouldn’t listen to her mother because her mother never had any friends. He refers to his wife as a “loser” and laughs so that he can dismiss his feelings as a joke if confronted. His daughter, now doubting herself and her mother, returns home and calls her friends to cancel the date. Confused and conflicted, she stays in her room for the rest of the evening. Her mother, who knows nothing about her husband’s behavior, wonders if he is right. Has she given bad advice? Is her daughter suffering because of it? The mother’s confidence in her parenting erodes and the daughter loses trust in the emotionally intelligent parent.
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Stage 4: The narcissist hides his emotional abuse with kindness. This may be the narcissist’s most effective tool when camouflaging emotional abuse. Suddenly he becomes kind and complimentary, acting as if the tantrum he threw an hour ago never happened. The sudden change in mood often leaves the emotionally intelligent partner, who naturally recognizes the good in people, confused. The person wonders if the toxic tendencies are being exaggerated in his mind. After all, anyone is allowed to have a bad day. Now the emotionally intelligent person feels foolish for realizing that the narcissist is a jerk. No one who does such kind things can be a problem. Unfortunately, the act of kindness is often manipulative. A helpful way to clarify this situation is to ask yourself, “Would I do what he did?” If the answer is “no,” the person may be a narcissist.
It is nearly impossible to detect a narcissist at the beginning stages of a relationship and often the change in demeanor makes a person think he or she did something to lose affection. However, it may be deep-rooted jealousy that is causing disdain and indifference in a partner. If this is the case, it may be necessary to consider separating from the partner. Protect the gift of emotional intelligence. The world needs it.
