Key Points

Narcissists lack empathy, insight, accountability, and the ability to consider a partner’s perspective if it differs.
The funny narcissist treats every relationship problem as a joke, including the feelings of their loved ones.
The sweet narcissist is kinder to strangers than to their loved ones.
The angry narcissist throws tantrums and then acts as if nothing happened.

Most narcissists behave similarly in the context of a personal relationship. They often lack empathy for a loved one but can be sympathetic at times. Their lack of insight may prevent them from authentically owning a selfish moment or relationship mistake, and their use of deflection and projection often allows them to shift blame and assume the role of victim. Also, narcissists may be unable to see a loved one’s perspective if it differs from their own. This often leads to the belief that he or she is always right. Despite these dysfunctional but universal commonalities, narcissists may fall into three distinct categories: funny, sweet, and angry.

The Funny Narcissist

The funny narcissist is usually the “life of the party.” Everyone loves this person because they are always up for a good time and routinely make people laugh. This funny, fun-loving narcissist can gain a large fan base. This often feeds their ego and becomes central to their identity.

Although this type of narcissist appears larger than life, they may use this persona to hide their flaws in a personal relationship. First, the funny narcissist treats everything as a joke, including their partner’s feelings, their insensitive and unthoughtful behaviors, and any relationship issues. They avoid addressing any relationship issues by viewing their partner as “frustrating.” The funny narcissist may often say, “Can’t you be happy? Why do you have to crush everyone?” and describe a partner who tries to identify and discuss a relationship issue as “impossible to please.”

In addition, a loved one who reveals an unfunny and joyful feeling is regularly rejected and then scolded for feeling anything but happy. Therefore, real feelings and issues are rarely taken seriously and addressed. The humorous narcissist avoids the unpleasant and gives himself license to do whatever he wants, despite the impact on others.

This type of narcissist often seeks out fun things outside of the relationship to avoid a partner who wants to discuss and resolve issues. The fun narcissist is always with friends or involved in hobbies, and often leaves his partner behind.

For example, Ron and Lisa have been married for 10 years. Ron works long hours and enjoys spending time with his friends. Lisa calls Ron at work and asks if they can talk about a hurtful comment Ron made earlier as he was leaving for the office. Ron says, “It was just a joke! Plus, I can’t tonight because I have plans with my coworkers and then I have a soccer game.” Ron returns home after Lisa goes to bed and goes through the next few days in the same way. He fails to return and discuss the issue with Lisa.

TheAffectionateNarcissist

The Affectionate Narcissist can be just as frustrating as the Funny Narcissist. This is someone who acts differently in public than he does at home. A narcissist may go out of their way to help a friend, acquaintance, or even a stranger, yet treat their loved ones with indifference or disdain. This inconsistency often makes people in the narcissist’s private life feel crazy. It may seem as if the entire world views this person as a hero, even though they are completely different behind closed doors.

A benevolent narcissist may constantly inflate their public image to hide their lack of empathy and personal accountability when it comes to loved ones. Many people would not believe that the “most beautiful guy or girl in the world” is a nightmare at home. Feelings of guilt and shame also tend to be begged by the narcissist’s immediate family members because they often feel as though they should admire the narcissist as society does. Feeling bad for the narcissist because he or she is indifferent, insensitive, and lacks empathy may seem trivial compared to their acts of kindness in the outside world. However, this idea can be unhealthy. Emotional abuse should never be tolerated.

For example, Amy and Brianna live together. Amy is very involved in her church and several charities. She also spends time volunteering at an animal rescue agency. Amy reaches out to many of Brianna’s friends to chat and offer a service if needed. However, at home, Amy refuses to self-reflect and take responsibility for her role in any conflict. She routinely avoids accountability and shifts all blame onto Brianna. Fights quickly escalate into screaming matches. Eventually, Amy withdraws and refuses to speak to Brianna for days at a time. Amy also acts passive-aggressively by trying to sabotage Brianna’s projects and friendships. She calls Brianna’s friends to tell them about Brianna’s uncontrollable rage and ignores her responsibility for the escalation. From the outside, Brianna appears to be the problem.

The Angry Narcissist

The angry narcissist completes the triad. This type of narcissist is easily angered and frequently throws adult tantrums. Anything that doesn’t go their way will set off this type of narcissist’s rage. This is especially evident when a loved one reveals a feeling the narcissist doesn’t want to hear.

For example, Rick approaches his wife Janet and says, “I’m really worried about Henry. He doesn’t seem happy.” Janet escalates and shouts, “What are you saying? Are you calling me a bad mother? I know my son! Henry is fine! You’re just trying to criticize me! You’re the one who puts work before family!”

The angry narcissist is highly defensive and immediately attacks with a verbal attack. Although he or she is out of control and says unfortunate things to loved ones during a tantrum, he or she acts as if nothing happened afterward; as if the display of anger has been erased from his or her memory. However, the scars he or she inflicts on others may remain.

This type of narcissist can cause significant anxiety for loved ones because they are forced to “walk on eggshells” to avoid triggering the narcissist. Outbursts of anger often shock family members because the narcissist is cruel. Trying to anticipate and avoid these outbursts often becomes the person’s job at home. However, living with this type of fear and predictable anxiety can negatively impact a person’s mental and physical health.

Although these types of narcissists are slightly different, they share the same dysfunctional ways of communicating in a close relationship. Additionally, a person may see elements of all three types within a single individual. It may be helpful for a person to seek professional help and support. Living with someone who treats loved ones emotionally poorly can often take a toll on a person’s health.