Key Points
Narcissistic families often have unspoken rules of behavior that dictate interactions among family members.
Some of these rules may include submission to the dominant narcissist’s authority and taking sides.
In these families, anger is often normal and denial may be rampant.
In simple terms, a narcissistic family is one in which the needs of the parents are central and children are expected in various ways to meet these needs. The healthy family model is turned upside down to support the parents rather than foster the children’s development.
As in other types of dysfunctional families, there is abuse and denial similar to abuse. There is also secrecy, neglect, unrealistic expectations, lack of empathy, disrespect for boundaries, and constant conflict.
Unspoken Rules in a Narcissistic Family
Narcissistic homes have unspoken rules of behavior that dictate interactions among family members:
- Acceptance is conditional.
To gain acceptance, children must conform to the family narrative and value system. Expressions of disagreement are rejected and viewed as pathological.
- Submission is Required
Everyone is expected to submit to the dominant narcissist’s authority, no matter how ignorant, abusive, cruel, or destructive it may be.
- Someone Must Be Blamed for Problems
When something bad happens, from losing a job to spilling a glass of milk, someone must be blamed for it. There is usually a scapegoat in the family who bears the brunt of the family’s problems, frustrations, and unhappiness, as well as the self-loathing expected of the dominant narcissist.
- Vulnerability is Dangerous
Mistakes, accidents, and weaknesses, even those for which you are responsible, are grounds for shameful treatment that can last for years.
- You Must Take Sides
Just as there is always blame and shame, there are always sides, and if you are not on the dominant narcissist’s side, you are wrong. Children often feel forced to choose between parents, siblings, and other family members.
- There is Not Enough Love and Respect for Everyone
Renewable Resources In healthy families, love and respect are reserved for the narcissist and anyone else deemed worthy, usually the favored “golden” child. Respecting one person means disrespecting another.
- Feelings are Wrong
The feelings that make us human, help us communicate and meet our needs, and protect us from harm are selfish and should be suppressed. Only the narcissist has the freedom to express feelings, have emotional reactions, and make demands.
- Competition, not cooperation, rules the day
The competition for supremacy, favoritism, and constant comparison create a harsh competitive environment that undermines trust and breeds hostility and betrayal.
- Appearances are more important than substance
Even if everyone is suffering, they should smile for the family picture.
- Anger is normal
Everyone is expected to swallow and endure the irrational, explosive, and possibly violent anger of the dominant narcissist. This may be amplified by other forms of mental illness and/or addiction.
- Denial is rampant
To maintain the dominant narcissist’s control over the family, there is a denial of:
Abusive incidents.
A constant atmosphere of fear.
Continued mistreatment of the scapegoat.
Routine forms of neglect.
- There is no safety
Although the scapegoat is the target of the greatest abuse, everyone is on high alert because no one is safe from blame and anger.
