As a general rule, if someone is the target of narcissistic abuse, the first thing they and Rapunzel should know is this: it’s not their fault that they were targeted (Moulton-Sarkis, 2018). They didn’t seek out the abuse.
Whether they were facing a narcissistic mother, mistress, or boss/coworker, they were targeted, love-bombed, and toyed with by a narcissistic abuser for any or all of five reasons: They passed the 1) Empathy Test 2) Nonviolence Test 3) Nonreporting Test 4) Admirable Traits Test 5) The narcissist had legitimate authority over the target.
Furthermore, in an interview with Assistant District Attorney Paul Walton of Oakland County, Michigan, he drew an interesting parallel between narcissistic abuse and child sexual abuse.
With pedophiles, this process of grooming is called “priming.” One victim said, “Part of his grooming of me was to make me feel good about myself, that I was talented. I was the perfect target for a pedophile.” (McConnell, M. 2019). Narcissists also “prime” their targets by testing and seducing them in the first stage called love bombing (Nee, 2017). Then comes the abuse followed by the disposal.
So the narcissist’s priming process begins with empathy testing. A common approach for narcissistic abusers with new targets is to expose themselves unusually, thus appearing vulnerable and trusting of their targets. This false self-disclosure makes the empathetic target want to respond with trust.
For example, in some cases, abusers will tell the target a sad story (a sad childhood, a lover who wronged me, a bad ex-boss, etc.) in an attempt to elicit an empathetic response. Getting an empathetic response is the starting signal for the narcissist to begin the manipulation process. Furthermore, narcissists can be great actors. They know how to act empathically, especially during the love bombing stage to attract their abuser. Narcissists may have empathy in a twisted sense. Lamia (2010) points out that “descriptions of empathy have included the idea that empathy can be used for destructive purposes.”
Second, the non-violent nature of the abuser is an important piece of information for the narcissist. Does the target respond verbally, physically, or legally? People who stand up for themselves are not favorite targets for narcissistic bullies and serial bullies. People who are being abused are more likely to be kept as a target.
To be clear, all healthy humans have genuine empathy. Narcissistic bullies and serial bullies typically do not have this empathy (there may be exceptions). This lack of empathy cannot be fixed by any amount of love or understanding on the part of the target. A common misconception that keeps the target in abusive relationships is the belief that their love and empathy can fix the abuser. However, remember that the abuser is psychologically and chemically addicted to the abuser, making it difficult for them to engage in clear critical thinking.
Non-Reporting, Admirable Qualities, and Legitimate Power
Third, Will the Target Report the Abuse? If not, the setup process continues. Typically, the target is either afraid of retaliation or hoping the abuse will go away. It doesn’t. We’ll discuss the importance of reporting abuse in more detail in Tangled 4. Suffice it to say for now, if you’re being abused, you need to report it to the authorities immediately. Abusers rarely stop their behavior without intervention. Fourth, abusers may be attracted to their targets because the abused possesses admirable qualities that the abuser may lack. The abuser likes to hate these qualities in the target. The abuser seeks to diminish these attractive qualities (beauty, talent, wealth, intelligence, kindness). Furthermore, some targets report that their abuser has successfully pushed them to abandon their good values. Because of verbal and physical abuse, targets often turn to alcohol and drugs.
One targeted youth reported that he did things to the abuser that destroyed his morals, health, self-esteem, and self-confidence, and even got him into trouble with the law. The abuser’s goal is often to devalue or even corrupt the target against his values. The abuser uses the shame and guilt the abuser feels about his “corruption” during the elimination and clean-up phases to maintain control over the target. This shame is another reason why targets do not report the abuse.
Fifth, the abuser may have legitimate power over others as a parent or employer. In one case, a verbally and physically abusive supervisor drove many of the company’s best employees to leave. Those unfortunate enough to remain at the company endured the abuse but kept their jobs—a difficult trade-off. Workplace abuse occurs in every industry, even in professional settings. As a result, workplace bullying has become a topic of research and media attention (Hodgins & Mannix-McNamara, 2017).
The Narcissist’s Harem
In addition to entanglement, abusers, especially RNAs and SNAs, are known to form at least three types of harems of targets or deceived supporters (Arabi, 2017). For example, in romantic relationships, the first harem is a series of primary lovers. SNAs may also have several other side lovers who all play to their purposes. Infidelity is a common theme among “romantic” abusers. SNAs may use second-line “lovers” to physically assault primary lovers—to invoke fear, power, and control. Fear is another reason why targets do not report abuse.
The second harem is the family and friends of the narcissist abuser. Each friend or relative receives a personalized love bombardment and then misinformation about the abusive target. The narcissist’s harem is easy to convince that the narcissist’s target is “crazy.” This harem can be extremely loyal and often cannot be convinced that the narcissist is, well… a narcissist.
The third harem is the target’s friends. “He/she befriends everyone I know and tells them I’m crazy.” One of the narcissist’s primary goals is to discredit the target, and then isolate him/her from the support of his/her family and friends. This manipulation causes the target to lose confidence, hope, and perspective (Nee, 2017). With no one to support the target, this deception prevents the target from having the resources to deal with the abuse and makes it easier for the manipulator to carry out their abuse unchecked.
