Someone once said that we are all, at best, sincere hypocrites. The same can be said of narcissism, in that many of us are capable of displaying selfishness, a lack of empathy for others, and a desire for power and control at times. However, the pathological narcissist is always devoted to himself, devoid of empathy for others, and his desire for power and control extends to the simple joy of causing others pain. If this sounds familiar, or at least interesting, please continue reading.

Tangled in the Narcissist’s Tower

If you haven’t seen it, watching the Disney movie Tangled is highly recommended. It’s a wonderful movie and a landmark study of what some psychologists call the narcissism spectrum. As you may recall, Gothel kidnaps the baby Rapunzel from a kindly king and queen who have never given up hope of getting their daughter back. Gothel is a once-beautiful but now aging narcissist who regains her youth and beauty as soon as she is exposed to Rapunzel’s long, healing hair. Gothel is the archetype of the worst in deceptive, abusive, and even violent narcissism. She is “moving” evidence that levels of abuse increase as victims are lured into each of the tower’s five floors.

Who’s on the first floor?

The first floor of the tower houses the passive narcissist. This person has no particular malicious or malicious intent toward others. They are simply obsessed with themselves and are their favorite topic of thought, conversation, and behavior. The good news about passive narcissists is that they only live on the first floor, making it more likely that they will be able to escape the tower of selfishness. Typically, they are still available and engaged in relationships. Rapunzel’s handsome, selfish lover in the film is portrayed as a “passive” who is transformed by Rapunzel’s healthy self-confidence, assertiveness, and compassion. Her influence plays a role in his redemptive transformation into a caring, sacrificial lover, even as he cares for something greater than himself.

What’s on the second floor?

The second floor of the Narcissist Tower is passive-aggressive. According to Nathan Greenough, who developed the characters of Tangled, “Mother Gothel can’t be evil. She has to be very passive-aggressive… because if you play the role of a very domineering, cruel villain, that girl becomes meek and downtrodden, almost nothing of a person, with low self-esteem.” Gothel engages in passive-aggressive compliments, support, and attention for the first eighteen years of Rapunzel’s life. She needs her daughter to be healthy because she relies on Rapunzel’s hair to maintain her youth.

In her book, Becoming a Narcissist’s Nightmare, Shahida Arabi describes this stage of love bombing as the idealization stage. Narcissists use this stage to lure and trap their targets in a tower, to psychologically control them. Fortunately for Rapunzel, between her good genes and Gothel’s mostly positive idealization, she is an emotionally healthy heroine with a strong personality and even a good work ethic.

We see evidence of Gothel’s passive-aggressive behavior throughout much of the story. “Rapunzel, you’re getting kind of fat… Oh, just kidding… Don’t take me seriously,” she says with a laugh. Rapunzel’s mother uses passive-aggressive “psychological manipulation” to convince her daughter of a lie that she relies on in the song “Mother Knows Best.” Psychological manipulation is the manipulation and brainwashing of a victim, causing self-doubt, and controlling reality and even identity. The term “emotional manipulation” comes from the 1944 film of the same name, in which a husband manipulates, devalues, and controls his wife. In the story of Rapunzel, Gothel’s song aims to “emotionally manipulate” her daughter into becoming dependent on her for safety in the tower by painting a terrifying picture of the outside world. For 18 years, Gothel has successfully kept her daughter in the tower. After all, “mother knows best.”

Don’t know what’s on the third floor? The stairway to hell

Upon entering the third floor of the tower, there is the aggressive narcissist. Aggressive narcissists typically engage in direct verbal emotional abuse and sometimes the threat of physical abuse. This is what some call “the knockout punch.” You don’t know when it’s coming, but you know it’s coming. The anticipated fear factor keeps the recipient “walking on eggshells” and under the control of the narcissist on the third floor (Mason & Krieger, 2010). We see the first evidence of aggression when Rapunzel pressures her mother to let her out of the tower.

Gothel responds, “Don’t ever ask me to leave the tower again.” Rapunzel gives in, saying, “Yes, mother.” Gothel’s statement is the first overt sign of aggression, dominance, and the revelation of her mother’s true narcissistic self—the beginning of the devaluation stage (Arabi, 2016). In Rapunzel’s case, this stage is short-lived because of her strong self-esteem and Gothel’s dependence on her. Ironically, it is Gothel’s need for her daughter’s hair that ultimately saves Rapunzel.

For most aggressive narcissists, the goal is to devalue the target through abuse and contempt, with occasional apologies and love bombing just to keep the “relationship” going. Certainly, in parent-child relationships, marriages, and work situations, this devaluation phase can last for years. Some targets eventually find the courage to escape the tower. However, they may also be “cleaned up” (like a vacuum cleaner), pulling the victim back in if they sense the victim is trying to get out of the tower (Mouton-Sarkis, 2018).

They may “ignore,” ignore or withdraw from the victim. The narcissist’s intention in evading is to get the attention of the dependent target and get them to pursue the narcissist. While some targets remain in abusive relationships, the narcissist may dump others, when they are no longer considered useful. The release of these harsh feelings can cause the target to suffer from anxiety, depression, and even suicidal thoughts or suicide.

Next, we will look at the fourth and fifth stories of the tower – the raging narcissistic abuser (RNA) and the serial narcissistic abuser (SNA). As we climb the hellish staircase through the narcissistic illness of parts one and two, it is good to know that parts three through five, return us to a healthy zone where “things don’t get any better.”