All roads lead to Rome. Likewise, all conversations lead to the narcissist. If you imagine escaping the big city, think again. You’ll encounter some cleverly placed barriers in front of you. The narcissist is Rome, of course. This is where all conversational avenues begin and end.
Narcissism is currently classified as a personality disorder but is set to be removed from the DSM 5 (in 2013). Whatever the DSM may choose to say in its various versions, narcissism is truly a disabling condition that interferes with the development of normal friendships.
Despite their fundamental lack of empathy and insight into the feelings of others, narcissists can be extremely charming and persuasive. They thrive in professions such as marketing, entertainment, politics, or any other field where self-promotion is a plus.
The charismatic traits of a political leader or actor can be a real nuisance to a companion or friend. No one wants to sit across the table from Charlton Heston’s Moses, and being the sole audience for a four-hour speech by Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez is not exactly a pleasant conversation.
How to Talk to a Narcissist
We all know narcissists, and it can lead to unsatisfying interactions. Psychotherapist Bill Snow has come up with seven rules for talking to a narcissist that are presented as straightforward advice but sound like parody.
- Ask for little. Expect little. [The narcissist sees you as some sort of rat or helper.]
- Be willing to listen a lot, and listen carefully.
- Find ways to offer positive affirmation frequently.
- If at all possible, be honest and sincere in your acknowledgment, praise, and appreciation. [Otherwise, insincere flattery may suffice.]
- Don’t worry about making the narcissist more selfish. [It’s impossible.]
- Avoid challenging the narcissist’s desires or wishes. [He hates it.]
- Failing that, smile a lot and stay calm.
Snow notes that you need patience, endurance, and focus to get through a conversation with a narcissist. “Patience will allow you to hold on when others might withdraw. Endurance will allow you to overlook the narcissist’s rudeness, selfishness, self-centeredness, and arrogance. Focus will allow you to remember what the narcissist wants from moment to moment and what your goals are in relating to him or her.” Given the chance, of course, most sane people would not associate with a narcissist, and that gets to the heart of the disorder.
These rules for dealing with others are for casual conversations only. Snow also offers some ideas for how to conduct an intervention. “Narcissists need help, of course, although they are often reluctant to ask for it. If you think the narcissist in your life might want to change his or her narcissistic outlook, consider conducting an intervention.”
