Growing up, it was always about them: 19 signs you may have been raised by a narcissistic mom or dad. Learn to recognize patterns!

Learning to understand and make peace with your childhood is one of the most healing and empowering experiences you can ever have.

As the son of a narcissistic drug addict mother and a completely absent father, I know how important it is to deal with the things narcissistic mothers say or their mental illness.

As children, we looked to our parents for support, encouragement, care, and love.

But when we’ve been denied these things, we’ve developed a variety of beliefs, behavioral patterns, and coping mechanisms to help us survive in such a challenging environment. As adults, we often play these same coping mechanisms, often to our detriment.

The thing about being the child of a narcissistic mother and/or father is that it often contributes to something known in shamanic terminology as soul loss. Soul loss is the inability to connect or experience our souls due to the wounds, traumas, and fears we have accumulated over the years.

The first step in healing this loss of soul is to be willing to explore what you went through as a child. The process of exploring your parent’s narcissistic actions is not done to condemn them or to harm yourself.

Instead, this process is done to help you understand the root cause of any pain you’re still experiencing, figure out how to get rid of it, and move on with your life. This becomes a strengthening and rejuvenating process.

19 Signs of a narcissistic mother and/or father

The thing about having a narcissistic mother and/or father is that you are taught to believe that you are crazy and unbalanced, instead. This makes you constantly doubt yourself and any feelings you have for them.

Another major sign that you were raised by a narcissist is the constant feeling of guilt that you struggle with. In other words, while you may suspect that there is something “disconnected” about your parents, you feel ashamed to think of them that way and tend to beat yourself up instead.

But there is a very good reason why you came to this article. And while you still have lingering doubts, I hope the following information can clear your mind.

First, you should know that there are two main types of narcissists:

Swallow Narcissists – These are parents who see their children as an extension of themselves. In other words, obsessively obsessive narcissistic parents become deeply involved in your life. They don’t respect your boundaries or acknowledge you as a separate person.
Ignore Narcissists – These are parents who can care less about their children. Ignoring narcissists see the boundaries between them and their children. As a result, they neglect to take care of their children or take an active interest in their lives.

Depending on what type of narcissistic parent you are, you will face slightly different (but similar) issues.

So…

How does it feel to grow up with narcissistic parents?

Here are some key traits of a narcissistic parent:

They have tried to control you by being dependent on others
They put on the tail thickly
They only loved you when you did what they wanted
They would love to “get even” with you
They never respect your boundaries
They compete with you
They “own” your achievements
They constantly lied to you
They never listen (or care) about your feelings
They were constantly insulting you
They exercised explicit control over you
They gassed you
I’m your “father”
They had a “favorite” or “golden” child
They reacted intensely to any form of criticism
They projected their bad behavior on you
They showed no sympathy
They were infallibly right and never wrong
They loved making the perfect family picture for strangers
Keep in mind that there is a difference between narcissistic behavior (which only appears now and then) and narcissism. We all tend to be narcissistic under the right circumstances (such as severe stress). But narcissism is persistent, chronic, and pathological.

I’ll go into these 19 signs in more depth below:

Here are 19 major signs that you were raised by narcissistic parents

They try to control you by depending on others.
In other words, your parents said to you, “Don’t leave me. I need you. I can’t live without you.” This made it impossible for you to live an independent life or set independent priorities other than meeting your parents’/parents’ needs.
They put on a thick tail.
Another way to control yourself is to constantly feel guilty for doing what you want. They may have told you, “I have done so much for you, I have sacrificed everything for you.” As a result, you felt indebted to them, as if you “owed” them complete obedience.

He only loved you when you did what they wanted.
Your parents/dad withdraw love very easily. If you fail to do what they want, they will punish you severely or give you the silent treatment. You only got the impression that they loved you when you proved your worth to them.
They loved to “get even” with you.
When you do something “wrong” or against their will – even in the slightest way – they made sure to punish you. This little childish way of “equivalence” may be subtle or very obvious.

For example, they may have intentionally sabotaged something you cared about, broken something of yours, or hidden something to get back at you.

5 They never respect your boundaries.

There wasn’t any “private” space to call your upbringing. Your parents/parents have been going through your room and private belongings, without thinking, and sometimes using what they find against you.

They competed with you.
If you get something nice, they take it from you, or they get something better to “get over you.”

They “own” your accomplishments.
When someone compliments you on your accomplishments, your parents/parents will immediately jump in and divert attention to themselves.

For example, if someone congratulates you on winning a soccer trophy, your parent/parent will step in and say something along the lines of, “Yeah, she gets it from me. I was always an athlete when I was a kid.” They love the spotlight and will often steal it from you.

They lied to you constantly.
Your parents/parents lied to manipulate, control, and take advantage of you in some way, shape, or form. You never know what “real” or honest people you can trust around them, or if they are setting up a hidden trap for you to fall into.
They don’t listen (or care) about your feelings.
You felt like you could never share your feelings with your parents/parents because they would either make fun of you or talk about themselves instead. In a way, whatever trouble you had as a child was woven into a pity party for them, not you.
They constantly insulted you.
Your parents/parents constantly scolded, insulted, and teased you. They may have caught on to your insecurities and used them to humiliate you.
They exercised overt control over you.
In other words, when you don’t obey them, they will punish you. The message was very clear, “obey me, or I will punish you.” You have been punished through emotional or physical abuse including emotional blackmail, hitting, or hitting.
They light the gas for you.
To control you, they used a psychological manipulation tactic known as gaslighting. What this means is that they will intentionally make you mad, or make you question your sanity, to gain the upper hand.

This led to the development of persistent self-doubt throughout your childhood, adolescence, and present life. Read more about gas lighting.

They “parent” you.
As a child, you were expected to “parent,” or act as a surrogate parent to meet their needs, rather than your own.
THEY HAD A “FAVORITE” OR “GOLDEN” BABY.
In your family, there was the “golden” child and the “scapegoat” child. In other words, one of the children was seen as whole and capable of not harm. The other child was seen as the black sheep and the cause of all problems (this is also known as the defining patient). These roles can also be switched frequently.

They responded harshly to any form of criticism.
Have you ever criticized your mother or father? What was their general reaction? If your mother and/or father is a narcissists, their reaction will likely be extreme. They would yell at you and potentially harm you physically through hitting or some other way.
They predict their bad behavior on you.
For example, if you are in an argument, they will hysterically yell at you, “How dare you talk to your mother like that? Go to your room. We’ll talk after you stop yelling at me.”
They never showed any empathy.
They never asked about your feelings, empathized with you, or cared about you. They seem only interested in their feelings.
They were infallibly right and he was not wrong.
Even when they make a mistake or treat you unfairly or unfairly, they never apologize for their mistake. When I confronted them about it, they denied all accusations and tried to blame me.
They loved giving strangers the perfect family picture.
Your parents went to great lengths to make sure that others viewed you as a loving/successful/enviable family. It is possible that you were fully aware of this trick but kept silent for fear of angering your parents/parents.

How to make sure you are the son of a narcissist

After reading this list of symptoms, you may still be unsure how to identify your parent(s). that’s normal. Your narcissistic mother and/or father may not have displayed all of the above signs (but if they do, pay attention).

If you are a child narcissist, you will likely suffer from these issues:

dependence on other relationships
Poor sense of self
Poor personal boundaries and inability to say “no”
Chronic guilt or shame
self-loathing
Void
Trust issues
Inability to express or deal with feelings
anxiety or depression;
To be people-pleasing

How do you deal with a narcissistic mother or father?
What then?

If you are certain that one or both of your parents was a narcissist, chances are they still have some kind of involvement in your life. Many narcissistic support groups recommend cutting off contact with these parents or interacting with them in small, thoughtful ways (such as a phone call or text).

To begin the soul-healing process, you may want to do the following:

Stop hoping your narcissistic parent will change – you can never change him.
Allow yourself to grieve for the parent you never had.
Understand that you were raised to suppress and deny your feelings. Now is a good opportunity to slowly open up to those years of pent-up feelings. You can do this by seeking traditional psychotherapy, or alternative methods such as shamanic therapy, hypnotherapy, holistic therapies, etc.
Learn to take care of your needs by practicing self-love.
Reconnect with your inner child and learn how to take care of him in a way your parents couldn’t. This is called inner child work.
Keep an active self-reflection journal. This will help you become more aware of yourself.
Explore soul restoration, which is a vital part of soul work.
Healthily express your feelings, especially any anger you may have.
Join a support group and connect with others who have had similar childhood experiences. You can find many on Facebook, or you can search the internet for local groups.
Related: How Adults Can Get the Distance They Need from Toxic Families

While you may feel broken, it is important to remember that you are not broken. Your spirit cannot be broken. It’s still there, waiting for you to come to it. This experience just shows you that everything you need is within you.

19 Signs of a narcissistic mother and/or father

5 They never respect your boundaries.

How to make sure you are the son of a narcissist

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