Growing up with a narcissistic, overly controlling and self-absorbed mother can be a devastating experience for a child’s soul. As you progress into your adult years, you know that you need to set boundaries that will hopefully stop trying to control who you are and how you are expected to live your life.

Standing up to a narcissistic mother is not easy. You’re likely to be met with resistance, manipulation, and blame (“How dare you treat your mother like that, after all she’s done for you!”), to name a few.

However, to be able to move forward to a full and fulfilling life, without the constant energetic influence of your narcissistic mother, there are some basic things that you need to do.

Standing up to a narcissistic mother:

Set boundaries
He broke up with her and the story
exercise “gray rock”
Pre-plan responses
Understand that it will not change
Focus on healing yourself
First, it is essential that you set your own hard boundaries based on what you accept and don’t accept from others, no matter who they are. Most importantly, you need to prioritize self-love and heal your wounds and traumas. Only then can you truly be freed from the torment of narcissistic abuse and be able to live the life you truly deserve.

Here we will look at how standing up to a narcissistic mother in the right way will bring you relief and freedom.

Signs of a Narcissistic Mother

The most obvious sign of a narcissistic mother is her complete and utter preoccupation with herself.

Nark mothers’ children will be raised knowing that their mother should always come first. In effect, the family’s expectation becomes to make sure the mother is “happy” and relaxed, so that the rest of the family can relax and go about their business in peace…for a while.

My narcissistic mother made it very clear that she was the one who did it all for everyone, she was the one who overburdened herself with work, and she deserved to rest, relax and take a vacation.

The sentences that come out of her mouth are constantly filled with “I” and “I”.

overly involved

That’s right, your mom may be very involved with your school, your gym, your friends, your birthdays, and everything else. But the reasons for her excessive involvement are completely self-serving, even though she sells herself as a self-sacrificing martyr.

You see, a narcissistic mother needs to control everything. Being there in the midst of all the different aspects of your life gives her the opportunity to push the chess pieces as she pleases. This means that she always knows all the information and will never be left out of the loop. It can be quite stifling.

completely absent

Interestingly enough, narcissistic mothers can go the other way and be completely absent from your life because they are, frankly, uninteresting. They got their own life, which is more important to them.

They may dance often to get attention and hug grandma (if there are grandchildren around), dump all their action and drama, and then disappear again for months on end.

They still expected to be treated as the most important matriarch. After all, they are entitled to the special treatment that comes with being a “mother,” even if they do nothing to deserve it!

Not every narcissistic mom is a glamor queen, holding on to her youthful looks, though that could certainly describe a grandiose narcissistic mom. If your mother is a covert narcissist, she will be more morose, quiet, and much less confident.

If you are still not sure whether or not you are dealing with a narcissistic mother, here are some very common traits that you may recognize.

Signs of a narcissistic mother:

He has an air of superiority and arrogance
He manipulates and exploits others
Doesn’t respect your boundaries (in fact, you’re not even allowed to have boundaries)
Lack of empathy and honesty
She will compete with you (especially with her daughters)
The need for admiration is exaggerated
Entitled (feels like she can say and do whatever she wants, just because it’s her)
Exaggerates talents, skills, and achievements
She is always the victim that everyone has to acquiesce in
It highlights you to manipulate your perception and twist things according to its vision
Acts nice in public, but terrible at home
You avoid accountability and never make mistakes (you’ll never apologize for the things you’ve done)

Standing up to a Narcissistic Mother

By now, if you’re still reading, you’ve probably realized that you’re dealing with a drugged mother. So what can you do about it? Is standing up to a narcissistic mother a good idea?

Given the nature of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), I don’t advise you to call your mom and tell her she’s a narcissist.

Since she truly believes that she is special and above all others, she will take it as a personal attack. Even if you sit her down and try to talk to her in a sweet way, you’ll only find yourself being manipulated, accused, and pissed off. In fact, you’ll probably turn around and say you’re a narcissist.

From there, you may proceed to tarnish your name throughout the family. Why? Because she needs to control the story and she can’t get you to talk to anyone else before you first learn about her version of events.

So, when it comes to standing up to a narcissistic mother, what’s the best way to protect yourself, while causing as little collateral damage as possible?

Here are some techniques that will help you reclaim (or claim for the first time) your life, and take back your power from your narcissistic mother.

Set boundaries

First, you need to get to know your deal-breakers when it comes to how your mom (and others) treat you. What kinds of behaviors will you no longer accept in your life, no matter who they come from?

Here are some examples:

aggression
Disparagement, invalidation and devaluation
He is controlled and told what to do as an adult
feeling ashamed
Confusing conversations where you feel manipulated
As someone who has never been allowed to set boundaries, I know that setting boundaries and having the confidence to maintain them can be a difficult task. In addition, you know that your mother will not love or even accept them without strong opposition.

Take it easy on yourself as you learn how to communicate what you will no longer tolerate from your mother. Remember that keeping your word is very important, or your mom will still think she can treat you the way she wants, even though you mentioned your needs.

Phrases like, “Mom, if you keep belittling me, we’ll have to have this conversation again,” work well. And if it continues to invalidate you, hang up the phone or get out there and stick to your word.

Be ready for her to make accusations, try to make you feel guilty for “treating her this way”, play the victim and many of her other games.

You’ve got this. You know your truth, no matter what manipulations she pulls out of the hat.

RELATED POSTS:

Do You Think You’re In A Toxic Relationship? Here’s How To Know For Sure

How To Tell If You’re In a Toxic Relationship — And What To Do About It