Feeling affection may seem like a dream come true — until you realize it may be love bombing, a common tactic used by people with narcissism.
It’s natural to want your partner to show affection. Small reminders that you are appreciated and cared for can brighten the darkest days.
Showing love can help you feel secure in your relationship and can avoid unwanted feelings, such as resentment, mistrust, and self-doubt.
But when affection seems persistent and overwhelming at the beginning of a relationship — to the point that it makes you feel intuitively uncomfortable — it may not just be a display of emotion. You may be suffering from love bombing.
TooGoodToBeTrue: The Meaning of “Love Bombing”.
Love bombing is not a diagnostic term, although it is used by mental health professionals to describe a form of emotional abuse.
When someone bombards you, they are often showering you with excessive or overwhelming levels of affection and adoration.
While this may not necessarily seem like a negative thing, the target behind love bombing is not always innocent.
“Some common traits of love bombing include providing excessive amounts of attention, admiration, and affection,” explains Alexander Burgemeister, a clinical psychologist and author from Amsterdam, Netherlands. “The goal is to make the recipient feel dependent on and committed to the individual.”
Love of bombardment and control
Love bombing can be a way to impose control over another person.
It can make you feel guilty or ungrateful if you have a disagreement with your partner. You may go against your primal instincts, for example, because you feel like you owe it to them to do what they want.
What is not love bombing
Not all great displays of love are love bombing.
The love bombing is often constant and intense, and can make you feel uncomfortable.
Usually, this isn’t an accidental romantic surprise from your partner. However, if the goal is to manipulate you, you may still be experiencing love bombing.
Why do people love the bomb?
Love bombing is a form of emotional abuse. Like all forms of abuse, it is about exerting control and power over another person.
“It occurs as part of what’s called a ‘cycle of abuse,’ where the love bomber attempts to develop a false sense of connection and trust early in the relationship in an attempt to later control or emotionally abuse,” says Emily Simonian, LMFT. , head of learning at Thriveworks in Washington, D.C.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and love bombing
While anyone can display love bombing tendencies, this type of emotional tactic is often associated with narcissism, especially narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
According to Simonian, it’s important to distinguish between narcissistic personality traits and narcissistic personality disorder when it comes to love bombing.
“Many people may have one narcissistic trait or perhaps some narcissistic traits, such as a constant need for praise or admiration, a sense of entitlement, or a high sense of self-importance, but that does not mean they are narcissistic.” She explained.
When narcissistic traits combine with long-standing patterns of relationship behaviors, such as exploitation and manipulation, narcissistic personality disorder becomes a factor.
“This is where love bombing potentially comes in, as those who engage in love bombing do so to create a false sense of intimacy for personal gain, which is consistent with narcissism,” Simonyan says.
Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition diagnosable in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5), meaning it causes significant impairment in areas of basic functioning.
How long does love bombing last?
According to Bergmeister, once your partner asserts control through narcissistic love bombing, he or she will shift into a more manipulative role, often focused on devaluing you. The time it takes to feel that they have first secured your loyalty in the relationship may vary.
Love bombing usually occurs during the courtship phase which can last for days or weeks. It may continue for several months if they seem more resistant.
Ultimately, there is no set timeline for love bombing. This can continue until your partner feels he has reached the necessary level of control.
“Love bombing is usually an unconscious behavior, and the process mostly revolves around securing a relationship with another person,” says Bergmeister. “When this is achieved, the narcissist usually turns into a manipulative and controlling partner instead.”
Love bombing course
Narcissistic love bombing can vary between partners and situations. Every person is unique, and love bombing can mean something different from one relationship to the next.
In general, love bombing often follows what is known as the narcissistic cycle of abuse, which tends to include:
- Idealism
- Currency devaluation
- get rid of
- “Hovering” or bombardment of renewed love
When it comes to love bombing, Bergmeister points out that these stages typically blend together, progressing until you make the decision to leave. After that, the narcissistic love bombardment may start again trying to convince you to stay.
perfection
“Love bombing often involves compliments, gifts, and lots of attention in the early stages. The person will want to be in contact with you all the time, which may seem like fun, but that’s often not the case.
As the behavior evolves, Bergmeister explains, a love-bombing partner may push you to make premature commitments, while at the same time getting upset if you try to set boundaries.
Devaluation of the currency
Once they feel the relationship is secure, they may gradually shift away from affection altogether, becoming manipulative and critical instead.
“They will begin to devalue the other person, making them feel as if they are not wanted by anyone else,” he says.
ignorance
In some narcissistic relationships, a partner with narcissistic traits may suddenly move out of the relationship. They may suddenly break up with you or seem to replace you by dating someone new right away.
This is often known as the unlearning phase of the narcissistic abuse cycle.
Hoover
If you reach a point where you are ready to leave the relationship, your partner may renew the love bombing, insisting that he or she has “changed his ways” or is “making an honest effort.”
This stage is often referred to as “wandering” — a term inspired by the vacuum cleaner — because your partner may be trying to “suck you back” using love bombing tactics again.
Although this may often seem true, in narcissistic love bombing, it is often the beginning of a new cycle of abuse.
Spotting Red Flags: Signs of Love Bombing
Here are some common red flags that may indicate love bombing:
- They buy you amazing gifts or spend excessively on you.
- They bombard you with compliments.
- They communicate with you relentlessly.
- They push for commitment early in the relationship.
- They provide “soul mate” signs or revelations about fate and destiny.
- The relationship seems alarmingly intense.
- They hate it when you set boundaries.
- You feel uncomfortable about your level of affection or communication.
How to avoid manipulation tactics
“Pay attention to your sense of balance or feelings of exhaustion within the relationship, and pay attention to your partner’s reactions when you upset them,” Simonyan warns.
She explains that it’s normal for new partners to be excited in a relationship, but they must still be respectful of your boundaries and feedback.
She says that the way someone reacts to your input can often tell you whether their intent is innocent or manipulative.
Let’s recap
When you care about someone, showing your feelings can mean a lot to that person.
However, displays of love that come with conditions may be more characteristic of love bombing.
Love bombing is a form of emotional abuse. While anyone can display love bombing tendencies, it is a behavior often exhibited by people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
Recognizing narcissistic love bombing — and trusting your instincts when a relationship seems too intense — can help you avoid the cycle of abuse that can come in this type of partnership.
If you think you may be experiencing love bombing tactics, talking with a therapist may be helpful. To take the first step, check out Psych Central’s guide to getting mental health support.
