All children of narcissists suffer. Children of narcissistic mothers suffer damage to their autonomy, self-worth, and future relationships with women.
Narcissists lack empathy and nurturing skills. They do not view their children as individuals, but rather as extensions of themselves. They ignore and criticize their children’s feelings and needs, while their feelings and needs take priority. Narcissists feel entitled and insist on achieving their goals. They enforce compliance through control, manipulation, guilt, and shame. “It’s their way or the highway,” if you don’t respond, they punish you with attacks, coldness, or withdrawal. Insecurity drives their insatiable and unrealistic needs for respect and admiration. They are easily upset, leading to contempt and anger. Because they lack boundaries, they project themselves—shame and blame others—for emotional discomfort they cannot tolerate.
Dynamics Between Children and Narcissistic Mothers
Narcissism varies in degree and type and with each individual’s personality and values. Some narcissistic mothers are uninterested in their children; others are overly involved. Some act aggressively, while others act caringly or seductively. Here are some common patterns, although your experience may vary.
Neglect
Narcissistic mothers who feel the weight of motherhood neglect their children, yet shame and criticize them—sometimes for being too needy or childish. They need themselves. Narcissistic mothers cannot handle their children’s needs. They may demand that their young son be a “man,” or favor one child and ignore or belittle another child outright.
Enslavement
Instead of neglect, other narcissistic mothers are exploitative. They use their children to provide them with narcissism. Although the mother may appear independent, she may be emotionally needy and foster interdependence with her son through loving and controlling behavior. She may rely on her son for emotional support, listening to her, being a companion, or caring for her physical needs and responsibilities. As he grows older, she may rely on him to make decisions and manage her affairs and finances.
Above all, she uses and exploits her son to provide her with attention, and admiration, and to meet her desires and needs. She makes him feel loved, important, and appreciated, which reinforces his dependence. However, this is only for her own sake. Thus, her over-involvement with her son can mask her toxic parenting style. There is often a high price to pay for his attempts at independence. By manipulating her with anger, shame, guilt, self-pity, and/or martyrdom, he learns to put her wants and needs first and feels obligated to do so.
Idealization and Criticism
Many narcissistic mothers idealize their young sons. They build his self-confidence and sense of self-importance. As he matures and challenges her control, she belittles his emerging individuality and tries to correct and change him. To boost her ego, she may brag about her son to her friends, but criticize him at home. In response, he may rebel and provoke her or try to appease her into accepting him. His fall from grace can be confusing and painful. It is exacerbated if another child is born. He loses his privacy, and sibling rivalry can be intense.
Triangulation
Marital relationships for narcissists lack intimacy. Therefore, the husband may avoid the narcissistic woman because of her work. To compensate for this, and because she is emotionally needy, she “enlists a third party,” whether it be work, a lover, an addiction, or her children. She may use her son as a friend or companion. Children are ideal subjects because they view their parents as ideal and easily controlled.
Related : The 3 Types of Narcissists
It is worse for the son if his father is absent, angry, violent, or has a mental or drug problem. Then, to survive, the son may seek comfort in addiction or greater attachment to his mother.
Seduction and “Oedipus” Issues
In some cases where the mother is seductive and sexualizes her relationship with her son, it can be even more damaging. Even without molestation, emotional incest can occur when mothers behave inappropriately with their sons in terms of language, appearance, and behavior.1 For a young boy, she is sexy and arousing. This overstimulates a potential (but often unconscious) attraction to his mother. Ideally, the son will become closer and identify with his father as a male role model. This is exacerbated if the father is absent, or if the divorced mother is abusive and alienating to her ex-husband. 2
If left unresolved, some sons come to believe (whether or not this is true) that their mother loves them more than their husband. Rather than resigning themselves to defeat, they feel inflated and triumphant over their father. This dynamic is detrimental to the son’s close adult relationships. 3 It can also affect his self-concept as a man because he sees his father, who should be a positive role model, as a failure. 4 The nurturing relationship between father and son helps them bond and resolve internal conflicts for the son. 5
Envy and Control
Just as daughters of narcissistic mothers experience envy and competition from their mothers, a narcissistic mother may be jealous of her son’s girlfriends and compete with his wife. No one will ever be good enough, because no one will ever live up to her inflated self-image and standards. She must remain number one in his life. She may try to control and undermine his intimate relationships, criticize or disrespect his partner, or do so subtly through innuendo and manipulation. (See the movie Queen Bee.) Her son will feel extremely guilty and caught in the middle, trying to avoid hurting and upsetting his mother and his partner (who may also be narcissistic or mentally unstable). He feels guilty, and he doesn’t know what boundaries are and can’t set them.
The Harm to Children of Narcissistic Mothers
Like children of narcissistic fathers, children of narcissistic mothers are not loved for who they are, but only for what they can do to gain their parents’ approval. Because appearance is so important, their children must look and act in ways that reflect positively on them. Love, if it is given at all, is conditional. It is not based on understanding, appreciating, and accepting their child’s unique, authentic self. A child’s worth is based on how much they honor their parents’ ideals and egos. This may include being pressured to accept their parents’ preferred career and achieve the success or lifestyle their parents want.
Codependency
Whether or not children achieve worldly success, they risk growing up insecure and codependent. Their identity has never been supported. Their self-esteem and self-worth have been undermined by verbal abuse and a lack of love for their authentic self. They have learned to meet their mothers’ needs by suppressing their own needs, feelings, and desires. This denial holds them back in intimate relationships with adults. They have difficulty identifying and expressing their needs and feelings. They may sacrifice themselves and feel unworthy without pleasing people. When a father is unable to stand up to his wife to protect the children from her control and threats, he fails to set a good example for setting boundaries. As a result, the son may feel used, resentful, and exploited by women.
Intimacy Issues
When a son feels insecure about expressing his feelings and needs to his mother, he also feels insecure in intimate relationships with adults. Having been manipulated and emotionally abandoned, he fears that his partner will judge and/or abandon him. Additionally, having become entangled with his mother, he fears that an intimate partner will swallow him up and control him. Consequently, he avoids intimacy, which prompts his partner to demand more closeness, which only heightens his fears and defenses.
Resentment
A son may feel a deep resentment toward his mother for feeling controlled and/or exploited, even if he remains close to her. This often extends to other women. Generally, they react to women with compliance, resistance, or anger. Some men may be aggressive and distrustful of women. Other men have learned to be manipulative or passive-aggressive. They are overly forgiving, lie, or passively reject simple requests from their partner as if they were their mother’s demands. Their hostile behavior may eventually lead their wife to act like their mother! Resentment and intimacy concerns may lead them to be dishonest or unfaithful, especially if their father is one.
Repetition
Some children of narcissists may develop narcissistic personality disorder. Children of narcissistic mothers have higher rates of narcissism. This may be because they are more likely to idealize and glorify him rather than compete, as they do with their daughter.
Other children may replicate their maternal relationships with demanding, controlling, or abusive women. They may partner with an older woman, a narcissist, an addict, or someone with borderline personality disorder or other mental health issues. They may become caregivers to their partner, just as they were to their mother, and find it difficult to leave them.
To heal, a son must come to terms with his mother’s disturbed personality, his anger toward her, and his grief. Ultimately, he needs to accept his parents with compassion, whether he loves them or not. At the same time, he must realize that he is worthy of love, learn how to set boundaries with his mother and others, and appreciate and express his needs and feelings.
