“He’s a cold-hearted snake, look him in the eye… (Uh-oh)… He’s been lying…” Paula Abdul
*Please note that this article deals with the narcissist as either male or female. For simplicity, the gender pronoun can be substituted. Narcissism does not discriminate 🙂
Many survivors of narcissistic abuse that I work with have become intimately familiar with the seductive narcissist in their love lives. This article serves to identify and highlight the pitfalls of encountering and preventing a contraction crisis with such a slippery snake in the dating world.
The Internet is full of articles about recovering from narcissistic abuse. Fortunately, we live in a time when access to information for the abuse survivor community is readily available. I want to draw the reader’s attention to a specific type of shady creature that can present like Mr. Gallant Knight in Shining Armor or Delicious Dazzling Vixen in the early stages of the Perfect Phase of the Abuse Cycle. Enter Temptation Sentinel….
The term was originally coined by Susan Peabody in the Love Addiction Society. Essentially, it describes a physical narcissist who uses romance and sexuality to seduce a potential romantic partner. However, instead of just one cycle of idealization/devaluation/neglect, the seductive-carrier-narcissist performs a specific type of “Hoover” called relationship recycling. In other words, we know from literature and studies that extreme narcissists often go back to previous sources of narcissistic supply to see if they can draw on more “ego fuel.” When an extreme narcissist returns for multiple cycles of “smashing,” oftentimes that abuser is said to be engaging in repeated cycles of withholding seduction. The survivor is often groggy in the wake of his ostracism, and so with the trauma’s bond intact, he will often retrace his abuser to try to return to the original state of infatuation or idealization. However, the seduction phase is short-lived, and once the extreme narcissist knows the ex-lover is still pining for his lost love relationship or if he makes any response it indicates re-attachment to the narcissist, the abuser. The devaluation phase will start quickly or even move to phase out quickly. A healthy individual would reciprocate the attraction and mutually develop the relationship by gradually increasing expressions of vulnerability and building trust. Not so for extreme narcissists who mask seduction.
The extreme narcissist has an underlying fear of engulfment and abandonment. At the heart of their empty identity is an underlying state of shame.
The narcissist experienced an abusive childhood devoid of healthy attachments and possibly severe abuse and learned that he/she had to use a false self (a mask) to survive an emotionally unbearable experience. When an adult narcissist is attracted to a potential mate, they may have the same longing for love and connection as any human being. With this impulse comes the seductive behavior of the physical narcissist. However, once the extreme narcissist discovers that the object of his love has reciprocated interest, alarm bells go off in the narcissist’s mind. The narcissist associates love vulnerability, and emotional expression with pain. These revealing emotions also expose the narcissist to their underlying shame and they may re-experience the same fearful cynicism and shame caused by their abusive caregiver(s). So when extreme narcissist approaches someone they are attracted to, they immediately shut down their emotional center and detach. He cannot stand the vulnerability of mature love. Then he devalues and ignores the romantic partner.
The extreme narcissist is looking for the very thing every human being needs and wants love. However, when love is expressed/returned or when concern is green-lighted by the object of love, the abuser cannot afford to be exposed to potential vulnerability.
This toxic shame, wound tightly and unconsciously inside the narcissist’s psyche, permeates his actions. Instead of happily receiving a response of love and vulnerability from their potential partner, and reciprocity, the narcissist is mired in shame, fear, and anxiety. A seductive pregnant woman will lighten up and deny any pronouncements of a relationship, dating, attraction or, God forbid, love. Instead, an extreme narcissist projects shame and blames the very person he was attracted to and tried to seduce at the beginning of the cycle by bombing love and faking the future.
So shame, blame, gassing, and pity narcissists deny any attraction to their potential partner and often engage in the silent treatment in the elimination phase.
For some time. Not even getting enough narcissism. Then the abuser will revisit past sources of narcissistic supply and try to recycle the relationship again…if the former love interest bites the bait….
So, what can you do if you are in a love relationship with an extreme narcissist who uses the blocking of seduction to extract the narcissistic offer?
You can choose not to participate again. Your ex, if he is an extreme narcissist/seductress, will never be able to give you what you need for a healthy relationship. Qualities of integrity, accountability, honesty, authenticity, compromise, accountability, and empathy are sorely lacking in your abuser. He/she may do a very good job of acting as if they possess these qualities, but they cannot psychologically maintain the ability to continually express these qualities with any depth or integrity for any length of time. In short, the result will always be perfect/devaluation/ignoring and with as many spins as the partner allows after allowing another perfect stage.
With the narcissistic seductive carrier, the survivor is destined to experience emotional pain upon contact.
No contact is the way to go in circumstances like the above. Refusing to participate in the dance of idealization/minimization/neglect is key. Psychotherapy with a trained therapist familiar with trauma is essential, especially for a professional who understands recovery from narcissistic abuse. Joining a support group or forum for sympathetic survivors can be helpful. Restoring self-worth, establishing healthy boundaries, and connecting with a safe community is essential in the healing process. Survivors may face a possible “high” intoxication of another dance with the snake…but the result will always be the same with the narcissistic’s extreme seduction: emotional pain. It is best not to play with the Snake or allow the Snake any access to your precious emotional/physical/financial capital. no contact.
My colleague, Shahida Arabi, a noted writer and survivor community advocate, recently reminded me of an amazing quote by Marianne Williamson, and it’s very relevant. I’ll leave the article with the following:
Our deepest fear is not that we are not enough. Our deepest fear is that we are immeasurably powerful. What we fear most is our light, not our darkness. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, brilliant, talented, wonderful? Actually, who are you not to be? “
