Sometimes, you may notice signs in your marriage that seem normal on the surface. But in reality, those signs point to the fact that you are in a toxic marriage.
Do you look around at other marriages, and feel like yours is just like theirs, yet wake up every morning unhappy and spend your days wondering what’s wrong with you that you feel this way?
When we get married, no one gives us a clue. There are no step-by-step instructions on how to make things work, for a successful marriage.
Instead, we are thrown into something we’ve never done before, and expect to have all the answers and live happily ever after.
It’s no surprise that you find yourself in this place, wondering if you’re in a toxic marriage but not sure.
Let me help.
There are signs of a toxic marriage that seems normal but isn’t.
- Contempt.
Contempt is defined as “the feeling that someone is under consideration, worthless or deserving of contempt.” Signs of contempt include eye rolling, unkind words, sarcasm, and dismissal.
Contempt can be difficult to recognize because it is so easily misinterpreted. Oh, you deserved it or he’s just an arrogant guy or he was just showing off to his friends are excuses often used for justified contempt.
Think about how you treat your husband. Is there contempt? Is one, the other, or both of you talking sarcastically? Do you talk behind each other’s backs? Do you roll your eyes when your partner is trying to get their point across?
The number one sign of a toxic marriage is contempt. When people treat each other with contempt the respect in the relationship goes away. And without respect, nothing else matters.
Related: 4 Levels of Gaslighting: From Unconscious to Malicious
- Fighting.
Quarrels in marriage are completely normal. There is no way two people can live together for years and years without problems arising that lead to a fight.
Many women believe that as long as there is no physical assault, any kind of fight is normal. But this is not true. Regular and extreme fighting, even if there is no physical violence involved, is not normal. It is a sign of a poisoned marriage.
Do you and your partner fight regularly? Fighting about everything from the color of the sky to the time it takes to make dinner?
Do your fights escalate quickly? Do you attack each other personally? There is no resolution around these fights, you just back into your corners and get angry?
If the above describes the way your fights develop, then you’re probably in a toxic marriage. People who just can’t agree on anything but treat each other horribly in a fight are definitely in an unhealthy marriage.
- Secrets
When I was married, there were a lot of secrets I kept from my husband. I didn’t talk to him about how I felt about him.
I didn’t get my son until he was five years old and I neglected to tell him. I forgot to pay the telegram bill for three months and then was shocked when it was cut off. I hated the way he wore his short-sleeved shirts to work in the summer. I didn’t tell him any of these things.
On top of that, I spent a long time telling my friends things I hadn’t told him.
They especially knew how brutally unhappy I was with him and were part of my decision not to vaccinate my children. In many ways, my friends have been a substitute for my husband.
And I thought that was good. None of these secrets were a big deal – it wasn’t like I was sneaking him in. I was keeping these secrets from him, I felt, to protect him and myself from the anger and disdain that existed in our marriage.
Now I know secrets can kill a marriage. If the two people who have chosen to build a life together cannot share the little things, the big things with each other, then their marriage is very bad. Even if they think they are lying to protect their partner, they still betray their partner with their silence.
So, if you are not sharing everything with your partner, especially things that would make him feel bad if he found out, then you are definitely in a bad marriage that may be doomed.
- Distance
When your husband enters the door, will your first instinct be to hug him? If you could choose someone to go to the movies with, would that be your wife?
Is he the first person you want to tell the good news to the person you sleep with every night?
Over time, as a marriage develops, couples become so comfortable with each other that they take each other for granted. Cuddles, trust, and free time are things that aren’t always a part of long marriages.
However, if there is a distance between you and your spouse more like a gap, if you never touch, don’t spend free time together, if you’d rather die than share anything personal, then you’re in a toxic state. marriage.
People in healthy marriages make an effort to be physical with their partners. They genuinely enjoy spending their free time together (for the most part) and are confident about the victories and losses of their lives.
Consider the distance between you and your spouse. If the Grand Canyon comes to mind, you’re probably in a toxic marriage.
- Silence
Silence is one of the biggest signs of a toxic marriage.
Silence means no communication. Silence means grudges are held and left unsaid. Silence means that communication in any meaningful way is impossible.
The hallmark of a healthy relationship is when two people can relate well. Whether it’s what’s for dinner, what your mother-in-law did last weekend, or the fact that she annoyed you again, communication is what keeps people connected.
When communication stops, so does any chance of a happy relationship. The silence that remains in place is a petri dish where separation, anger, and resentment can grow. Words go unsaid and frustration sets in.
When was the last time you and your partner spoke in any meaningful way? When you spend time together, is there any kind of connection at all or do you share the space in silence? If you and your partner no longer talk about anything, including the weather, you’re probably in a toxic marriage.
Recognizing the signs of a toxic marriage is the best way to try to save the marriage before it’s too late.
Related: 15 Effects of Being Raised by a Narcissist
Do you and your partner treat each other well? Do you differ in matters without a fight? Do you keep secrets or keep your distance? Did you stop communicating in any meaningful way?
If any or all of these things are true, you may be in a toxic marriage, and you either want to get started or get out of it.
