If you’ve ever wondered if someone is playing games with you, you’re not alone. Experts explain the reasons behind this and suggest tips for dealing with it.
Maybe you’ve met someone and finally thought: This is “the one.” Roses, love letters, flirty texts – all enhanced this feeling.
Then suddenly, everything stops, and you keep asking yourself: “What happened?”
It can be painful, confusing, or scary to be on the receiving end of these games. But if the person has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), these games — and other behaviors — may not be new to you.
If these behaviors are common, you may wonder how you’ll know when it’s over.
Knowing the reasons behind these games and how to recognize them will help you determine your next steps.
Why do people with narcissistic personality disorder play games?
Sometimes, it may seem like a person with BPD’s goal is to get their needs met, which may involve other people consciously or unconsciously helping them achieve that end, says Dina DiNardo, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
“I advise against using the term ‘gaming’ when talking about narcissism,” she says. “I think this makes an already difficult situation seem much worse, and more damaging, than is usually intended.
“These ‘games’ are strategic manipulations,” she adds. “Often, they are completely unconscious. People with this level of narcissism are usually in pain so deep that their ability to empathically connect with the pain of others is reduced.”
What games do people with narcissistic personality disorder play?
Those living with narcissistic personality disorder often suffer from low self-esteem.
As a result, many of the relationship games they play may revolve around maintaining a sense of control, so they don’t have to face the shame they may feel inside.
Related : What Is a Covert Narcissist?
“People with narcissistic personality disorder tend to use strategies to gain power and control over an individual in order to assert superiority and/or dominance over them,” says Rahma Al-Baqami, a licensed professional counselor in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. “In this way, their needs to boost their ego, worth and self-esteem are met.”
Some common games that a person with narcissistic personality disorder may participate in include:
- Blame shifting
- Deception
- Mind manipulation
- Shadows
- Love bombing
- Playing the victim
- prediction
- Triangulation
Although these games may be common for someone with narcissistic personality disorder, not everyone who plays them has this condition or another personality disorder.
How can you know when games are running?
Learning more about these games may help you spot them in action and set appropriate personal boundaries.
Love bombing
As the name suggests, this happens when someone compliments you, showers you with affection or grand gestures, or moves things along too quickly. This may be to achieve a feeling of emotional familiarity or security.
“I actually think people like bombs out of guilt,” DiNardo says. “The intense desire to fall in love, the desire to experience a positive reception from the object of the love bomb.”
She adds: “Everything is in the service of feeling good, feeling important, feeling special, and increasing self-esteem. Often, no matter the cost and at the expense of other people’s thoughts and feelings.
Playing the victim
People with BPD often have a strong sense of entitlement. They may think they deserve special attention or treatment.
Related : The Stages of Narcissistic Sexual Abuse
They may take advantage of your sympathetic personality to manipulate you into helping them or going easy on them. You may find it difficult to let go of someone who constantly seems unlucky.
Mind manipulation
Gaslighting refers to denying the reality of a situation as you saw or heard it, which may confuse your sense of reality. They may be trying to avoid falling for something by turning it on you again.
“One of the most common things to pay attention to is whether you’re constantly questioning yourself,” says Al-Baqami.
Triangulation
Triangulation is a way to isolate yourself from friends or family. It can take many forms.
One way is to have you turn against others or have others turn against you. This can be done through a smear campaign, i.e. attacking someone’s reputation behind their back.
The hope is that you will side with them rather than the other person, whom they may view as a competitor for your attention.
shadows
Ghosting may occur when someone does not feel that you can provide them with something they consider valuable. They may stop calling as part of a “devaluing and ignoring” behavior pattern.
There are many reasons why you might be ghosted. Maybe this person has lost interest in you or just wants to know how much you really care about them. Regardless of the reason, this power move may be another manipulation tactic to try to control the relationship.
revenge
A fragile sense of self is not unusual for someone with BPD.
If you attack them for their behavior, it may lead to narcissistic anger or injury. Instead of sitting with difficult feelings and self-reflecting, they may instead objectify the pain they feel into revenge.
Tips for dealing
If you’re in a relationship with someone with BPD, the first step is to own up to your wounds, DiNardo says.
“I understand the manipulations,” she says. “Feel the pain, but don’t stop there. Don’t drop anchor. Getting angry at someone who manipulated you is not a recipe for good health or breaking the pattern.
Instead, remove the focus from their behaviors and instead focus on your responses. You may find it helpful to ask yourself these questions:
- How did this happen?
- How did I end up in this regard?
- What beliefs might have led to this?
- Where do these come from?
By the way, you don’t have to do this difficult inner work alone. You may find it helpful to work with a mental health professional to help process what you’re feeling.
