Key Points

Adults with narcissistic parents should be aware of the risks of giving them access to their grandchildren.

Typical behaviors of narcissistic grandparents include controlling money and ignoring family rules.

Some adult children of narcissistic parents limit or stop contact to protect their children and themselves.

One of the most confusing and difficult issues that many adult children of narcissistic parents face is how to manage the relationship between their children and their parents.

Even after identifying our parent’s dysfunction and acknowledging the neglect and abuse we grew up with, we may make misguided assumptions about our parents as grandparents that can have serious consequences for us and our children.

5 False Assumptions About Narcissistic Grandparents

1. My parents will be better with my child(ren) than they were with me. The idea that our narcissistic parents would care for our children more or treat them better than they did us is a form of wishful thinking that reflects an underlying self-blame for our parents’ shortcomings. It is common for adult children to continue to hold the belief, consciously or unconsciously, that we are inherently unlovable and guilty of the ways our parents hurt us. We may believe that our children will extract from our parents the love that we were unable to receive. Every child is loved and deserves care and protection. Narcissists do not care about or honor the humanity of anyone, and this will not change for your children any more than it has for you.
2. My parents may have matured with age. Some people mature with age, becoming more self-aware, centered, accepting, and giving. This is rarely the case with a narcissistic personality. Instead, narcissists tend to respond to the losses and vulnerability that come with aging by deepening their deliberate denial and projections and intensifying their manipulation and victimizatio

3. Grandparent-grandchild relationships should be maintained. Just as there may be things our parents have done for us that are worthwhile, there may be positive ways our parents can help our children. However, it is important to realize that relationships for narcissists are always transactional. Just as they do for you, your parents will care for your children because of the status or service they provide, and that is all. If they are babysitting you or helping you financially, there will always be a price to pay, for you and your children.
4. My children will not be affected by the problems I have with my parents. The main work of childhood is learning how to relate to others and develop oneself, and children take their cues from their parents and other older family members. If your children spend time with their grandparents, they will absorb their attitudes and behaviors as well as the roles you and your partner play in the narcissistic family hierarchy. Your children will feel the insecure and conditional nature of “love” from their grandparents, and it will play a role in shaping their identity.
5. I can protect my children from my parents’ narcissism. Many parents believe that they can make their children spend positive time with their narcissistic grandparents while also protecting them from potential negative influences. While we can support our children’s resilience and mitigate some of the effects, the reality is that we can’t let the good in without the bad in. Narcissists are hostile in relationships with everyone, treating others competitively, opportunistically, and without empathy, even—and often especially—children. If your narcissistic mother ignored and nursed your feelings, she would do the same to her grandchildren when they have needs or feelings that make her uncomfortable. If your narcissistic parent made fun of you for your weight, she will make fun of your children for their weight or enlist them in others’ weight-related ridicule. Narcissism is a generational disorder that has a traumatic effect on everyone who encounters it. Passive-aggressive narcissists or bullies are bullies who get their energy from belittling and exploiting others. The effect they have on those around them is a destabilizing fear response—a form of hyperarousal, which may be subtle or intense, that interrupts healthy brain development and drains the body of its resources over time in devastating ways.

Common Things Narcissistic Grandparents Do

Narcissistic grandparents do all the neglectful and abusive things that narcissists of any age do, but there are some more specific patterns to this role. Whether the following behaviors are overt or covert, explicit or implicit, the intent is the same:

Judging your and/or your partner’s parenting style

Ignoring your family’s values ​​and rules

Controlling with money – gifts, dinners, vacations, memberships, etc.

Favoring and blaming siblings

Favoring and blaming families with siblings

Putting family members into an either-or category

Using food and gifts as a weapon

Triangulating families with siblings

Encouraging divisions between you and your children

Encouraging divisions between you and your partner

Using you/your children to brag to friends and acquaintances and/or gain their sympathy

Controlling with promises and threats about inheritance

Some adult children of narcissistic parents limit or end contact to protect their children and themselves. Others find ways to structure and contain time between their children and parents that seem positive enough to justify the inevitable downsides. Either way, it is a loss for all involved. And that is the tragic reality of narcissism.