Hi Evie,
I am a 42-year-old community worker working in disability support.
I have been dating a man for almost 2 years. We met through my cousin’s husband as they worked together. We had previously dated (long distance) as we lived in another state. Over Easter, he moved to Victoria, which is an hour away from me. He is a veteran and suffers from severe PTSD. He is in treatment and returns to Perth every couple of months. Initially, my gut told me he was drinking too much (he showed me this a few times – for example, he fell and vomited due to intoxication), and he revealed that he was struggling to cope with not drinking alcohol due to his PTSD. I told him that I didn’t expect him to stop completely, but I wanted him to cut back as he shouldn’t be mixing his medication with alcohol. He is trying hard to become a better person, but I am afraid of moving our relationship forward if he shows red flags. Heavy drinking goes against my values. We are planning to have a family, but due to his problem, I have some reservations. He’s a great guy, but I know in my heart that I don’t want to be with someone who drinks so much. I’m scared of how it will affect me in the future.
I want to know what’s best for both of us. It doesn’t matter if we continue or not. Thank you, Evie, that’s much appreciated. – Rosalie, Australia
Dear Rosalie,
Thank you for sending this.
It sounds like you’re in a tough spot, trying to balance your feelings for a great guy with some serious concerns about his drinking. Let’s clear this up a bit and try to help you work through it.
Firstly, congratulations on listening to your gut. It’s rarely wrong, especially when it comes to relationships. It’s great that you’re thinking long-term here, thinking about his needs, your needs, the potential for a family, etc. This is the sign of a thoughtful, caring person, and someone lucky to have you in their life.
Now, let’s talk about the elephant in the room: alcohol. It’s a big elephant, especially when combined with PTSD and medications. It’s perfectly fair to have reservations about building a future with someone who struggles with addiction and abuse. Your values matter, and compromising on something so fundamental is not healthy.
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Now, the painful truth: You can’t change him. He has to want to change for himself, and it sounds like he’s trying, which is amazing. But the truth is, drinking too much is a major red flag, and it can have a serious impact on your life if things get serious.
So, what’s the best way to move forward? Well, the only way to know what’s best is to have an honest, heart-to-heart conversation with him. Tell him how much you care about him, but also how his drinking scares you. Be clear about your boundaries and expectations.
If he’s truly committed to being a better person, he’ll listen to you and work with you to find a solution. That might mean couples therapy, seeking professional help for his PTSD and alcoholism, or even just setting firm boundaries around his drinking. If he’s defensive or dismissive, well, that’s a red flag in and of itself.
Remember, this isn’t about ultimatums or trying to control him. This is about respecting yourself, your values, and your hopes for the future. You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel safe, happy, and supported. If that’s not you, it’s okay to walk away. It’ll hurt, sure, but staying in a situation that’s not right for you will hurt you even more in the long run. Trust your gut. It will guide you in the right direction. And if you need a little extra support, don’t be afraid to talk to a therapist or counselor. They can help you sort through your feelings and make the best decision for you.
