(31) I got back with my girlfriend (who is 28) after a 6-month breakup about a year ago. We were together for 2 years before, broke up due to distance and some minor issues, and ended up getting back together because we missed each other too much. This time around, the relationship has been much smoother and more fun. However, last week, I took a look at her phone (which I know isn’t great) and discovered some disturbing message threads. First, she was making fun of me and criticizing me to her close friends (saying things like I’m a loser and have no sense of humor), and second, several messages about how great the relationship she saw while we were apart was. She hasn’t been in touch with him recently, but she has been talking about him to her friends and keeps sending them messages saying how great he is, how much she misses him, etc. She told me about this relationship when we rekindled and was very transparent, but given the volume of messages, I’m now worried that she hung up on him (they only ended it because it turned out he had a girlfriend the whole time), and that she’s been unfaithful to me because she’s been insulting me behind my back. – Anonymous
Thanks for sending this!
First of all, we’ve all been tempted to peek at our partner’s phone at some point – it’s human nature. But it’s not the healthiest habit, and it often opens a Pandora’s box of unintended consequences. You’ve found yourself in that box now, so let’s try to get you out of it again!
So, your girlfriend said some unkind things about you to her friends. It certainly hurts, right? However, try to remember that everyone breathes a sigh of relief. Especially when they think they’re in private. And while it’s never nice to stumble upon incriminating messages, she did talk to her friends privately, and the fact that you now know about the messages is due to your decision to check her phone. Now, this doesn’t take away the pain you’ve seen, and in this case, try to be kind to yourself and remind yourself that we often say things we don’t mean in the heat of the moment. She chose to rekindle your relationship, so she should appreciate you a lot. Remind yourself of that fact and try not to jump to any conclusions too quickly.
The messages about her past adventures are a bit more difficult. Understandably, you feel anxious, especially given the severity of her words. However, as you mentioned yourself, she was open and transparent with you about the relationship when you got back together. The messages you stumbled upon may have been harmless flashbacks, or she may still be processing those feelings.
The key here is communication — the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. It’s time to have an honest, heart-to-heart conversation with your girlfriend. It may seem scary, but the best thing you can do is acknowledge what happened, tell her what you saw, and how it made you feel, and express your concerns about her loyalty. Let her explain her side of the story, too.
Don’t be accusatory, but don’t sugarcoat it either. Be direct, but empathetic. Remember that you love this woman and that you are working through this together.
If you can both be vulnerable and open, this may be an opportunity to deepen your understanding of each other and strengthen your bond. If you find the conversation difficult, consider couples therapy—it can provide a safe space for you to navigate these complicated feelings.
The bottom line is that trust is like glass. Once it’s broken, it can be difficult to repair.
But it’s not impossible.
With effort, understanding, and a lot of communication, you can put it back together and build a stronger foundation for your future.
