It feels different this time. You tell yourself that you know the warning signs, and that this potential new partner doesn’t have them. No, they are kind and generous. The bad luck is finally over! I finally stopped falling for narcissists, you tell yourself with conviction and joy.

You have broken the cycle!

Six months have passed, and it’s as if the trauma is hitting you upside down. It is as if the person has become just another repeat of all the horrors you thought you survived.

How did we get here? once again? And why is this happening?

1 – You focus on the red flags and shine above the yellow flags

When we start dating someone new, our brain releases a variety of overwhelming chemicals that spark a sense of passion, connection, and intimacy. The neuroscience of falling in love is as fascinating as it is disturbing. Before we know it, we may be entrenched in a toxic relationship.

Let’s be honest. It is easy to identify important areas of interest. Those are the obvious signs, those are wrapped with warning tape.

We forget that most narcissists don’t reveal their true colors right away. That would be very dirty. Instead, they feed and lure with their signals of kindness. They “save us” with their natural confidence.

Like it or not, seasoned narcissists are not stupid. It is calculated and deliberate. They know dating is like a game. Unfortunately, they also know how to play around with the rules and bluff, so the game is in their best interest.

What are some of these yellow flags?

Hateful comments about ex-partners
Excessive talk about accomplishments
Excessive focus on material possessions
Excessive talk about status or reputation
becomes very agitated when “disrespected”
They let people down (directly or indirectly) when they don’t agree with their ideas
Act as if they are above the rules
He cuts a lot
Gives unsolicited and unsolicited advice
Of course, these yellow flags do not guarantee narcissism. However, it can certainly indicate a disturbing pattern. The more symptoms a partner displays, the more likely they are to deal with a narcissist.

2 – You are drawn to chaos

Despite the pain, being with a narcissist can be exciting. You will not get bored. Instead, you will be subject to a constant hurricane of intense passion and impulse – you never know what day they will be angry and condescending or elated and loving.

But why would anyone be drawn to such a mess? Don’t we all crave healthy and secure relationships? Don’t we know that we deserve respect?

The answer, of course, is complicated. Just because we know something makes sense doesn’t mean we take the appropriate action to show it.

Many people date narcissistic partners because other partners feel “bored” by comparison. They are used to dynamic fluctuations. They mistook volatility for love and desire. The lack of a hurricane feels more threatening than the hurricane itself.

3 – You are trying to recreate (and save) your childhood

Our behavior evolves and grows through patterns passed between generations. Because of this, many children of narcissists grow up finding themselves trapped in adult relationships with the narcissist. On first impression, this style looks bewildering. Why would someone want to recreate horror and madness?

The answer, of course, is complicated. When we have unmet needs in childhood, those needs don’t go away once we become adults. On the contrary, these needs often only grow stronger, and we tend to criticize ourselves (and others) the longer these needs go unmet.

Thus, the attraction towards narcissists is very much like an unconscious process. We may fall in love with partners who imitate our caregivers under the distorted impression that we can somehow “fix” them. Through this “fix,” we believe we can inadvertently “fix” our childhood wounds.

This is why children of alcoholics are more likely to marry than alcoholics. This is what these individuals know, and we are drawn to familiar patterns. While most of us would like to believe that we are marrying someone completely independent of our family of origin, honest inventory often shows that we choose partners who are very similar to our caretakers.

Break the cycle step by step

Breaking the pattern of narcissistic relationships takes time, preparation, and perseverance. Healing does not happen overnight, but the journey can be very fruitful and rewarding.

raising awareness

If you’re still not sure why you’re attracted to narcissists, it’s time to do some soul-searching and identify the possible causes.

What connections can you draw between your ex-partners? Although we tend to focus on the differences, what slight (or obvious) similarities are there?

Have you had one or more narcissistic caregivers? Did you experience domestic violence, neglect or emotional abuse as a child? Has someone taken the lead in your life and made decisions on your behalf from a young age?

Still not sure? It may be time to reach out to professional support. Working with a therapist or seeking training can help you uncover these answers, or at least help you see your situation more clearly.

Identifying professionals

This may sound strange, but it is essential that you learn how narcissistic relationships have served you positively in your life.

Did these people provide a strong sense of protection and safety? Was it comforting knowing you were with someone who seemed so confident and confident? Have you been with partners who have impressed your friends or family?

The advantages could be more subtle. By being with a narcissistic partner, have you gotten to “blame” the other person for the distress in your life? Have you benefited from avoiding focusing on your flaws and setbacks?

Acknowledging the “good parts” in such a terrifying episode is no fun. It honestly hurts. However, there are reasons why you might fall into the same patterns, and you owe it to yourself to know how and why you find yourself stuck.

Determine what you have to lose

Changing patterns always entails some semblance of loss. By letting go of narcissistic patterns, what will change?

Will you lose out on the “cozy” chaos and have to navigate the exotic waters of “healthy” dating? Will you miss the person who, at times, can seem so cute, charming and smart?

Note that even a positive loss can be painful. You are allowed to feel sad, anxious, or angry. You are allowed to feel uncertain if this process is right for you. However, by moving forward, you are giving yourself a chance for a fresh start.

Do not communicate with the narcissist in your life

Are you currently in a relationship with a narcissist? As harsh as it may sound, the only real way to change this cycle is to leave it.

The no-contact approach enables you to recharge your batteries and take the abuse out of the way. If you have a sinking feeling that something is wrong, don’t ignore your intuition. Your intuition is looking out for your best interest, but your job is to listen!

Spend some time alone

Are you a date serialist? Can’t stand alone? This desperation fuels toxic relationships because it essentially highlights your deep need for validation and attention.

Yes, spending time alone can feel scary or punishing. However, it can be a profound experience – especially if you’ve never done it before. You deserve to build a healthy relationship with yourself. You deserve to take the time to heal and build your self-worth.

And if you decide to get back on the dating scene? You’ll be armed with mental protection and ready to find someone who will treat you with the love, respect, and kindness you always deserve.

Be kind to yourself

Freedom from narcissistic abuse is draining. You will make mistakes along the way. You can even go back to old patterns from time to time.

Know that this is normal. You’re on your journey, and you don’t need to do the work perfectly to reap the excellent healing benefits. Be kind to yourself. Be willing to learn, reflect, and forgive.