Love has been described in countless ways over the centuries by royalty, commoners, singers, fortune tellers, philosophers, religious leaders, doctors, and scientists. Although there is no single definition or description of love, it is generally accepted as a concept of mutual selflessness, sacrifice, and peace. As humans, we desire and seek this feeling of closeness and acceptance throughout our lives. As the popular TV show The Wonder Years put it, “Throughout our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone to make us whole. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of sorrow and hope. All the while we wonder if somewhere, somehow, there is someone perfect, who might be looking for us”.
When discussing or dreaming about love, we tend to focus only on romance and forget about personal love. Self-love is closely related to self-esteem and self-respect; it means holding yourself high enough to reject attacks on your mind, body, and spirit from people who want to hurt you. A lack of self-esteem makes one a perfect victim of the beacon of lavish self-love: the narcissist.
By definition, a narcissist is an individual with an inflated sense of worth, intense self-love, and a constant need for appreciation or admiration (Mayo Clinic, 2020; Roman, Newman, Herner, & Bierhoff, 2012). A growing body of research has demonstrated that narcissists are incapable of truly loving another person. In fact, the term narcissist is based on the Greek myth of Narcissus and how his search for the perfect partner ended with him falling in love with…himself.
Whether an individual is a grandiose narcissist or a vulnerable narcissist, the basic premise remains the same: another person can never be enough, sacrifice enough, or provide enough to satisfy the narcissist. But that doesn’t mean that narcissists aren’t looking for love; it just means that they’re looking for it from someone who can easily fall victim to emotional ups and downs. Low self-esteem makes a person vulnerable to narcissistic emotional manipulation.
Related : Do Narcissists Hate Themselves, Deep, Deep Down?
Jenny had been in a very bad marriage for ten years before she decided to leave. Shortly after her marriage ended, she met Damian and began an affair. “Damian did a great job of hiding his vulnerability until months into the relationship,” Jenny recalled. “I was so relieved to be out of my marriage that I didn’t realize I was jumping into an equally bad relationship.” Over time, Damian’s treatment of Jenny deteriorated into mental and emotional abuse. Jenny attributes this acceptance of his actions to her love and respect for herself.
“My ex-husband told me so many times that no one would ever want or care for me the way he did, even though he freely admitted that he didn’t love me. I was also told by other people that I wasn’t wanted as a single mother. I think I started to think that was the best I could get, and I accepted it.” Lexi was another woman in a similar situation. Her ex-boyfriend was mentally abusive and belittled her every day of their relationship. “I started to believe that what he was saying was true,” she says. Lexi stayed with her boyfriend for seven years before finally ending the relationship.
Narcissists expect too much from how they should be treated. Nothing was ever good enough for Damian. He responded to the perceived attacks on his fragile self-esteem with violent, verbal accusations about how bad a friend Jenny was and how slow she was to meet his demands. “We lived about a half hour away from each other,” Jenny says. “There was a period when he asked me to go to his house and I said I had to settle things at my house first. Damian flew off the leash, screaming that I was useless, slow, fat, and lazy.” Narcissists like Damian also have no need for emotional intimacy or physical closeness and rarely show empathy (Campbell, Foster, & Finkel, 2002). “He could go weeks without coming to see me or taking me on a date, even if he was five minutes away to pick up his daughter,” Jenny says. “If I said I wanted to see him or if I was feeling lonely, Damian would say I was selfish and demanding with his limited time.” Similarly, Lexi’s partner constantly demanded attention from him to the point where she stopped seeing her friends or family. She wasn’t allowed to go out, but it was acceptable for him to go out drinking with his friends and not come home at night.
Damien was unable to regulate his emotions, oscillating between deep depression where he hated Jenny and manic euphoria where he proposed marriage. Angry outbursts and violent words built his self-esteem back up, making him strong and Jenny weak. Narcissists naturally react with anger and explosions when they feel threatened (Campbell, Foster, & Finkel, 2002). Lexi was pregnant when, during an argument, her boyfriend began calling her names, pointing at her belly, and saying the baby was not his, even though the two were in a committed, long-term relationship. “Before he left for the night, he said my daughter was going to be paranoid like me.” Another participant in the narrative, Maggie, recalled that during her marriage to a vulnerable narcissist, he would not answer any questions directly. “He would get really angry with me when I asked him questions and cut me off financially.” Jenny attributes her improved self-esteem and self-love to her ability to end the relationship with Damien. “I did a lot of introspection and had a lot of conversations with my counselor,” says Jenny. “I educated myself about narcissists and toxic relationships, changed my mental focus, and forced myself to start believing that I was a good person who deserved a relationship with someone who respected me. Once I took the power away from Damien, he couldn’t hurt me anymore.” Lexi recalls, “When I finally broke up with him, I felt a sense of relief. It was so soothing.”
In most cases, the narcissist carefully monitors his behavior in the early stages of the relationship (Campbell, Foster, & Finkel, 2002). Even the strongest person can be tricked by a skilled narcissist. Having a strong level of self-love or self-esteem is the only way to break free from a narcissistic partner. Whether a partner is weak or arrogant, they cannot control another person unless they have permission. The key is to remember that permission can always be withdrawn.
