Are you a conscious narcissist who is keen to improve your relationships with others? Are you confused about what you can do right now without intensive therapy? Here’s an answer that can help you improve your relationships.

StopDevaluingOthers

Sorry for ranting. I wanted to make sure my main point was crystal clear and that I got your attention. I realize that stopping devaluing others is easier said than done. Devaluing others has been a multi-purpose coping mechanism for almost everyone with narcissistic adaptations. For most people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, devaluing others has been a Swiss Army knife of responses to a variety of situations:

Feeling invisible? Make a joke at someone else’s expense.
Feeling angry about your day? Let off some steam when you get home and belittle your spouse or children.
Feeling bored? Make fun of someone’s weight or clothing style.
Feeling attacked? Say something cruel and devaluing about the other person, with the intent of hurting them, getting back at them, and teaching them a lesson.

Once you’ve stopped using “devaluing” as a multi-purpose personal tool to make yourself feel better, you’ll need to come up with other, less toxic ways to soothe yourself and get attention. I’ll leave the details of how to do that to your creativity.

Note: I use the terms “narcissist” and “narcissist” in this post as shorthand for a much longer phrase: someone who has narcissistically adapted to a situation in childhood and now exhibits a pattern of responses commonly called Narcissistic Personality Disorder. No disrespect intended.

5 Steps to Stop Devaluing Others

Even with the best intentions, it’s hard to simply stop devaluing others. Achieving this goal usually requires breaking it down into smaller, actionable steps:

Step 1: Identify Devaluing

Most narcissists don’t realize how many statements and behaviors people close to them experience as devaluing and hurtful. They may think they’re just being honest and that everyone agrees with them, as when they point at someone on the street and say:

Can you believe she walked out of the house looking like this?

Or: That waiter was so incompetent that I left him a dime as a tip, and that was ten cents more than he deserved!

A brief definition of devaluing: Words or behaviors that suggest someone else is incompetent or that are intended to diminish their sense of importance and place them below you in a status hierarchy.

Step 2: Get a Second Opinion

Have an honest conversation with someone whose opinion you trust. Ask them what types of comments and behaviors they have heard you say or do that they consider “devaluing.”

Note: Here you need to focus on whether something is devaluing—not whether it is true or deserved in your opinion.

Step 3: Make a List

Make a list of the types of comments and behaviors that your trusted friend has told you are devaluing and keep reviewing them. Carry it with you. Add new things to this list as you become more aware of the issue.

Step 4: Do a mental exercise

Devaluing others is a habit. It’s something you do automatically without much thought for a very long time. To change this habit, you need to slow down your reactions.

Before you speak, stop and mentally review what you plan to say. If anything seems to devalue others, rephrase your message more neutrally or kindly.

A good rule to remember: Whatever we think should not come out of our mouths.

If you’re not sure whether what you plan to say “devalues ​​others,” review the list from Step 3. You can also ask yourself: Is saying or doing this right now helpful and necessary? If your answer after reflection is “no,” you might consider not saying or doing it at all.

Step 5: Conduct an Empathic Emotional Review

The great first-century Hebrew sage Rabbi Hillel is said to have said this version of the famous “golden rule”:

Do not do to others anything that displeases you.

This translates to conducting a second review of what you plan to say or do. In this review, you imagine yourself on the receiving end of your comment or behavior.

Ask yourself: Did I feel offended or hurt by this? If I did, then this is the wrong thing to say or do.

The bottom line: More relationships are destroyed by offending words and actions than by almost any other narcissistic behavior. If you like immediate results and are willing to make a change, this is the change I recommend. You don’t have to take my word for it. Try not offending others for a month, and see how it transforms your relationships.