Love shouldn’t hurt, but leaving can be just as painful. PTSD from emotional abuse in a relationship can have serious effects. Learn what they are.
I wanted to leave but didn’t know how…
Stop. Just stop asking why women are so stupid and weak when they stay in an abusive relationship. There is no answer that you can understand.
Your judgment only added more shame to abused women. It shames women like me.
There was no punching bag on the first date with my ex. This is not usually how abusive marriages begin. My first date was probably very similar to yours: He was charming, he cared about me, and he showered me.
Of course, the red flags were present at the beginning of my relationship. But I was young and naive, probably a lot like you were at the beginning of your relationship.
Except my marriage took a different turn than yours.
Emotional building in a relationship takes time. It is slow, methodical, and continuous, much like a dripping kitchen faucet.
It starts as a tiny drop that you don’t even notice – an indirect remark that’s “just a joke”. I was told I am very sensitive and noticing was no big deal. It looks so small and insignificant at the time. Maybe I’m a little sensitive.
drip and drip.
I notice drips sometimes but it’s not a big deal. The general joke at my expense is just my partner is the usual life of the party. When he asks if I’m in this dress or with whom I’m going, it just means that he loves me and cares about me.
When he tells me he doesn’t like my new boyfriend, I agree. Yes, I can see where she could be being bossy. My husband is more important than a friend, so I move away and don’t continue the friendship.
drip and drip.
Dripping has become annoying, but you’re not selling your home over a leaky faucet.
When the nudge was more than hilarious, I tell myself he didn’t mean it.
He forgets that he is stronger than me. When I confront him about another lie that was told to him, he tells me I’m crazy for not believing him. Maybe I’m crazy… I’m starting to feel a little crazy.
Related: Mental Manipulation: 5 Things A Narcissist Says To Undermine Your Reality
I start to make up for the drops in my marriage. I’ll be better. I will be a better wife. I will make sure the house is clean and dinner is always ready. And when he’s not home for dinner, I’ll keep him wrapped and warm in the oven for him.
One night feeling so upset, I feed his dinner to the dog before he gets home. I don’t feel cocky after midnight when he shows up. I quickly get out of bed and go to the kitchen as he yells at me to make him dinner.
Waking me up becomes a habit. I no longer allow myself a deep, restful sleep. I always listen and wait.
In the morning, I’ll hush up the kids to keep them quiet so they don’t wake Dad. We all started walking on eggshells around him.
drip and drip.
The drip flows strongly now. I’m afraid to put a bucket under it and see how much water I lose. A denial is a place.
If I hadn’t said what I did, he wouldn’t have gone so mad. It’s my fault; I just want to be silent. I should know better than to confront him when he’s drinking.
He’s right – I am an ungrateful bitch. He goes to work every day so I can stay home with the kids. Of course, he needs time to himself on the way home from work every day.
On the rare occasion, I meet my friends, I hurry home before him. I never asked him to watch the kids so I could do something in the evening. I shouldn’t disturb him.
We try marriage counseling. Although neither of us is completely honest about why we are there, the counselors are open with us about their concerns.
We do not spend more than one session with a consultant.
drip and drip.
I work so hard to be the perfect wife and have the perfect family that I don’t have time to notice water spilling on the floor.
I know what would make this better. I’ll be active outside the house, but of course, I’ll take care of everything around the house and never bore it. I will not dare to ask for help.
I am now the perfect fourth-grader mom. My church teachers tell me to read books and listen to lectures on praying for my husband and understanding his needs.
Related: The Truth About Gaslighting: 10 Things I Wish I’d Known Before It Happened To Me
I’m working hard to make an introduction to a totally happy family. My children participate in many activities that I, of course, only organize and are responsible for.
I have started dropping subtle hints to other moms but when confronted I vehemently deny it. No, it’s all right, he insisted. I refer to all the happy family photos I post on Facebook as proof.
I’m not sure what scares me more: the fear that others will find out about my secret, or that my husband will find out that I told the truth about our marriage. I realize that now I am afraid of him.
drip and drip.
And then one day, I wake up and realize the house is flooding. My head is bobbing under the water. I am afraid.
I also see fear in my children’s eyes. Oh my God, what have you done? How did we get here? Who have you become?
The night he throws his cellphone at me and I hardly lose my head, I want to pack the kids in the car and leave. In the evening at the dinner table when he stands up and throws a fork at me in front of the kids, I want to leave.
Where am I likely to go? And if I go somewhere, what should I do? How will I live alone?
He’s right – I don’t have the skills to survive on my own. I need his money.
“What do you want to leave and go around?” yells at me. “I always knew you were a bitch.”
He is a master of deflection. His actions are no longer the focus; I am the one who is on trial now.
I am no longer the woman I was on our first date. I became shy and weak in front of him. I feel defeated. I chose this man and gave birth to these children. It’s my fault.
With every breath I take, I must keep these children safe and to keep my life together. It’s the only life I’ve known in 20 years. At this point, I don’t know how to do anything
On a typical rage-filled evening, I say enough is enough and decide to fight back. But even in his stuttering drunken stupor, he is stronger than me.
I see the look in his eye as he hovers over me. He has been given the ability to kill biologically. That look in his eye terrifies me.
He told me sarcastically: “Go and leave.” “But the kids stay here.”
My retreat that night was all it took to open the tap all the way and force me to walk through the water, if not for my life, then at least for my sanity.
Related: Don’t Fall For The Trap: Identifying Emotional Abuse Before It Happens
Despite my best attempts, my secret has been revealed. I can’t just get up and leave like well-meaning friends tell me. It’s not that easy.
I don’t have money. He found my secret stash I’d been working on for about a year. I thought I was being very careful not to get any bank records into the house. He must have hacked into my email.
I should have known better. He always kept close tabs. He hated it when I accused him of spying on me, so I let him snoop around.
He made me feel very guilty and ashamed when I handed him my secret savings. I wonder what he did with the money? I know it was not used for children’s needs. I assume he drank it, gambled with it, or used it to impress another woman.
Dear God, please don’t let me go under the third time. My family does not save, but please save me and my children.
I’m one of the lucky ones. I am no longer in marriage but scarred deep.
Could You Have PTSD From Emotional Abuse In A Relationship?
Abuse doesn’t always show up as a black eye or a bloody cut. The effects of psychological abuse are equally harmful.
I went into counseling and was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and PTSD. Psychological abuse made me afraid, and depression and anxiety left me unable to take the necessary steps to get out.
Although I initially thought my PTSD from an abusive relationship was a bit extreme, it’s been nearly three years and some noises or situations still trigger difficult memories for me.
Related: How Overthinking Affects Your Life (and 6 Ways To Stop)
When my boss was angry and yelling at employees one day, I got physically ill. I felt like I was back where I was years ago, sitting shivering on the garage floor, trying to quell the fury of a man towering above me.
I worry that not only have my daughters witnessed a man abuse a woman but that my sons have had a bad example to follow of what it means to be a real man.
I stayed for my kids. Now, I blame myself for the effects it might have on them.
Why did you stay? I stayed because I was isolated. I was financially dependent on him; I was sleep deprived. I was told and thought I was worthless; I was weary of always being on guard for the next attack.
I stayed because I was more afraid to leave.
Now that you know you can get PTSD from a relationship, are you ready to leave the relationship for your safety and well-being?
