Key points
Growing up with a narcissistic parent can have long-term negative effects on other relationships.
It’s not uncommon to fall into similar dysfunctional patterns with a partner.
A narcissistic parent may also find it difficult to let go of the idea that their child is now an adult.
Growing up with a narcissistic parent can have lifelong consequences. Narcissism is a personality trait characterized by grandiosity, self-absorption, a sense of entitlement, and a need for admiration. It’s no surprise, then, that adult children of narcissistic parents see their parents as overly critical, isolating them from friends, causing them to give up on celebrations and hobbies, and robbing them of their childhood through neglect. Furthermore, children of narcissists often suffer from anxiety and depression throughout their development.
But how do adult children of narcissistic parents experience romantic relationships?
That was the central question in a study by Mina Lyons, an evolutionary behavioral scientist at Liverpool John Moores University in the UK.
To investigate this question, Dr. Lyons and her team searched for posts on Reddit, an online discussion forum, where adult children of narcissistic parents discussed their personal experiences in romantic relationships on relevant subreddits. From there, they analyzed the posts for themes.
The results were striking. The analyses found four themes, underscoring how growing up with narcissistic parents can create challenges—and triumphs—in romantic relationships as adults. An overview of the study’s findings is provided below.
- Strategies and emotions in current relationships (61 percent of posts
Reddit users reported various maladaptive strategies and feelings, often dating back to childhood. These included:
Trust issues: Many feared that their current partner would turn out to be like their narcissistic parent. As a result, the quality of their relationship suffered, and they were unjustifiably suspicious of their partner. One commenter shared, “If I see any similarities between my dad and my boyfriend, I get scared. If my boyfriend says something similar to what my dad said, I think it’s a red flag. I feel like I’m turning things into red flags that aren’t necessarily red flags.”
Commitment anxiety: This issue also dates back to childhood. Users often referred to their parents as controlling and critical, which later led to persistent fears of being loved and accepted for who they were. Some also viewed love as “short-term and conditional.
Setting boundaries: Many learned to put others before themselves and felt completely responsible for their partner’s happiness. One commenter expressed this by saying, “My childhood relationship with a narcissistic mother meant that I didn’t understand the importance of people respecting my boundaries. I always thought I should put others first. In previous serious relationships, people would constantly disrespect my boundaries, and I would let them down. I prioritized their feelings, desires, and interests over my own. I allowed myself to feel responsible for their happiness. It was exhausting.”
Similarly, some users allowed their partners to treat them poorly because they thought it was normal. Technically, internalizing negative models of interpersonal relationships in childhood led to choosing a partner who would treat them poorly in adulthood. Commenters also noted fears of abandonment, exploitation, and intimacy; communication difficulties; feelings of guilt, shame, and anger; a need for validation; a lack of good conflict resolution; and a high sensitivity to criticism.
- Partners’ and family’s behaviors and characteristics (47 percent of posts)
Some users described their partners in positive terms—and as different from their narcissistic parents. They described them as kind, loving, and understanding. In contrast, others said their partners had characteristics of their narcissistic parents. One commenter noted that childhood emotional abuse fueled their attraction to abusive romantic partners.
Of particular note, conflicted relationships with narcissistic parents raised alarm bells in partners or relatives—especially in cases of estrangement. One user expressed, “People who aren’t close to their family are red flags. Even though people want to connect with you, they can’t. I had an ex who once told me I hate everyone’s family because I don’t have one.”
- Parental interference in current relationships (31 percent of participants)
Narcissistic parents may display jealousy, resentment, or an intense need to control their adult child’s relationships and lives, and refuse to accept that their child is now a separate, independent adult. Many participants reported manipulation, harassment, and even attempts to end their relationship by their parents.
“I dated him for over two years, and every time I went to see him, my mom would yell at me. The abuse around the relationship got so bad that I had to end it. I was so traumatized and emotionally drained that I just wanted to end the relationship. The moment I broke up with him, he acted completely differently toward me,” one user shared.
- Journey of Realization and Recovery (60 percent of posts)
This topic included posts reflecting on resilience, recovery, and efforts to improve romantic relationships. Users found support in therapy, partners, and the Reddit community, a place where they felt understood and could seek advice on how to cope. The forum’s privacy also allowed users to talk about experiences they hadn’t shared with anyone until then.
Many posts also included positive messages about realizing that users’ parents were abusive narcissists—and that they no longer had to define them. One user optimistically shared, “As an adult, it doesn’t matter what happened in the past. It’s about what you’re going to do to fix it. “I’m open to anything that helps me become a better person. I want to be able to accept and healthily give love.”
