So you thought you had finally met the woman or man of your dreams. They sure came out strong in the beginning. The compliments seemed a bit excessive and even premature. Ignore that annoying voice in your head, the relationship has developed at a rapid pace, faster than most of your other relationships and friendships.

At some point, you might have questioned their honesty and adoration for Instagram? Perhaps you had doubts about it like, “Is this person a psychic or is it love at first sight?” After all, how can someone know you well enough after only a few weeks (or a few days) to see all your wonderful qualities in this artistic extravaganza? How can someone know that you can barely love you seriously in such a short time and be willing to commit to you so quickly?

The answers are they can’t and they can’t. I was drugged by flattery or love.

A client once asked, “Well, what man wouldn’t fall in love with a beautiful woman who says you’re the most amazing man she’s ever known and her best sex ever?” In fact, a lot of men and women just don’t fall in love with it. In fact, they become suspicious and anxious especially if the compliments are exaggerated and they are pressured into making a quick commitment (for example, going shopping for an engagement ring only a week later or wanting to move in together right away).

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Relationships with Narcissists, Boundaries, Playwrights, Sociopaths

Whatever the DSM rating – start in reverse.

Meaning, the relationship starts off with a really intense and decadent dessert, and by the end of the relationship, you’re diving into the trash looking for leftovers. A relationship between two emotionally mature people with healthy boundaries and senses of self develops steadily over time and turns sweet after creating annoying little things like friendship, intimacy, and trust.

Not so with narcissists and other emotional predators and con artists. They are like used car sellers or relationship sellers. For example:

Well, hey, Carl/Connie Codependent, do I have a deal for you today! Only someone smart, intelligent, sophisticated, cultured, traveled, intuitive, honest, loving, handsome, beautiful, sexy, talented, blah, blah, blah as you can see what a great opportunity this is. And because you’re so special to me, I’m going to offer this deal to you and only you (wink, wink, shove, shove).

Your life wouldn’t be the same if you tied your chariot to my star. Together we will create crazy genius feats! What do you mean it looks too good to be true? I thought you were smarter than that? It’s okay, I forgive you for doubting my motives. Now, I’ll just need you to sign here, here, and here. Don’t worry about it, it’s just good typeface. Yes, the devil is in the details.

Now, if an unscrupulous salesperson slipped you into the local used car yard and laid it nice and thick like this, wouldn’t you reflexively raise an eyebrow to their crackling? You might wonder, and rightly so, if the salesperson is trying to offload shoddy merchandise for personal gain at a great cost to you. No matter how bright and attractive they are, a narcissist may seem at first glance, under the hood, all lemons. It is not a ripe, juicy lemon that you can make lemonade from. It’s the solid type that produces only a few drops of juice even when using an industrial juicer.

It hurts to accept it once the narcissist reveals the truth. Seeing behind the mask can cause you to enter into a state of intense denial. Otherwise how do you survive then, right? If you don’t understand the dynamics in the game, it’s hard to fathom how things deteriorated from the initial intense love celebration you shared with a narcissist to being slandered and tossed away in the scrap heap. It is very easy to understand once you know how relationships with narcissists and borderlines begin, develop, and develop. Mischievous personalities repeat these patterns over and over again with each new goal and relationship.

Stages of a relationship with a narcissist

There are three predictable relationship stages with most narcissists, borderline, theatrical, or sociopathic: idealization, devaluation and disregard. Eleanor Payson describes this very well in The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists.

cognition stage

First, there is the stage of idealization in which you can never go wrong. You are not like any other man or woman they have ever known. You are better, kinder, smarter, more talented and more loving. Only you can truly understand the pain of a narcissist and see his misunderstood little black heart. You are her hero or his angel – not like all the former lovers who were so bad and abusive to the perpetual victim, Mrs. or Mr. Narcisila.

The idealization stage with a narcissist is when the love bombing happens. Love bombing is a term borrowed from the recruitment techniques used by cults. Love bombardment usually only works on individuals who are prone to it. Predators love easy targets. If you are not easily charmed or manipulated, most predators will leave you alone.

What makes someone an easy target?

Parent family issues that have caused the development of dependent traits such as intense desire for acceptance and acceptance, a sense of belonging and fear of loneliness. If you didn’t get the love and validation you needed as a child from your parents, you probably still longed for it as an adult, but find it through intimate relationships. If you don’t learn how to present these things to yourself, you are likely to be more susceptible to the superficial charms of narcissists and other abusers.

Instead of thinking, “Stop, it’s too early” when the love pounding begins, it’s like you’re basking in the sun after a long, cold winter. You want to believe that you have finally met someone who sees you and all you have to offer. The narcissist or borderline sees what you have to offer — a desired need and a high threshold for abuse — and then begins to exploit it and you.

You have had a loss recently such as the death of a loved one, the termination of your job, or some other major life stress. If you are in the midst of a sadness or sudden turn, it can cause you to ignore red flags that might otherwise be registered if you are in a stronger emotional state.
You Possess 3 N’s: Nice, Naive and Non-confrontational. Individually, these traits increase your vulnerability to narcissistic abuse. Having all three doubles the degree of risk and puts a bull’s-eye on your forehead. It’s fine to be nice, but don’t confuse being nice with being a doormat. Some childish innocence is a good quality, but not if it blinds you to the fact that there are bad people in the world who deceive and hurt you on purpose and maliciously.

Not everyone has a good heart or a better nature deep down in themselves. Some people are basically corrupt to the core. There’s a rattlesnake roaming around in human suits. Finally, prepare to scrape if you’re a conflict avoider. Peacekeeping and appeasement are not the same thing. Moreover, it is often healthy and correct not to maintain a weak “peace”. Especially if it means tolerating abuse and treachery.

At the height of the ideal stage, you’re enjoying your time in LA-LA-Land, except now and then, a dark cloud blocks the sun’s rays. An inexplicable tantrum occurs out of nowhere. Although inexplicable, the narcissist (or you) will explain it away — or just pretend it never happened.

You usually won’t be the target of the first tantrums, anger, and narcissistic frowns. He or she will tell you that he “raised” something you said or did that reminded him of his ugly old ex. Next time you should be more careful not to do or say anything that upsets your vulnerable narcissist! Tsk, tsk! Or, a mean boss, a mean co-worker or a mean neighbor who sues the narcissist for going on the neighbor’s property and cutting down trees without permission will be blamed in the episode. I mean, mean old neighbor!

What’s going on with these rare initial accidents?

The narcissist tests your limits — in other words, how much shit are you willing to put up with? What and where are your limits? Will you defend and enforce your limits? Or will you give in to keep the peace and narcissistic “love” no matter the cost, including your dignity? Eventually, the narcissist will stop blaming strangers for their bad behavior and start blaming you. Indicate the devaluation stage.

Evaluation stage

What rises (you are raised above the narcissist’s pedestal) will eventually be demolished (by the narcissist, of course). why? Because you disappointed the narcissist, you silly!

You did not give an endless amount of love, adoration, and care. She didn’t make them successful overnight – she held them back all those years by providing a stable home life! I felt a little offended by your anger and called you names. You’re starting to see your narcissist more clearly and realistically. I wanted to love and support to be two-way in a relationshi

The narcissist may also start to underestimate you just because he’s bored. Stability is boring. comfort? conviction? comfort? Boring, boring, boring. If the narcissist is not distracted by some drama, conflict, lawsuit, affair, self-aggrandizement, or fraud, he may have to look at himself and deal with it. Then they may realize that they alone are the architects of their misery and cannot have it. Therefore, if they are bored or disappointed with life or themselves, then someone should be to blame.

Ignore phase

Once the devaluation phase begins, neglect is inevitable. It may take a few months, years, or, in some cases, decades, but it will happen. There is no going back to idealism once you see behind their masks and human feet of mud – no matter what empty promises and lies the narcissist tells you. You might get some pounding in the shape of a Hoover if he’s not quite willing to ignore you. This is usually because the next source of the narcissistic supply has not yet been secured.

The narcissist may promise you that things will be better if you do more, sacrifice more, give more, or don’t hold them accountable or expect anything from them. If you’re intent on making it work with a narcissist, despite all the signs that it’s time to jump out of the plane and pull the flying rope, you have two options at your disposal to delay the inevitable.

First, you must accept the narcissist as someone who is severely emotionally impaired and who defies integrity. He or she will not have an epiphany and suddenly become an insightful, emotional, respectful human being who possesses empathy and conscience. They’ve spent their whole lives avoiding it. will not happen.

Second, you must also accept their abuse without hesitation. And never tell them that their behavior is abusive. Doing so makes the narcissist feel bad about himself or himself. Remember what happens when a narcissist or borderline feels bad about themselves? They blame someone else (i.e. you). Additionally, calling their behavior abusive means that you don’t accept them based on who they are. Did I understand you?

You may not be immediately neglected if you tolerate the abuse and look the other way when the narcissist is looking for a new source elsewhere, but no adult relationship is equal, reciprocal, and healthy with this person. If you accept these terms, please understand that your narcissist will not value you or think, “Wow, my husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend should love me for giving me such free judgment and accepting me as I am.” Rather, the opposite is true. A narcissist will not have less respect for you because you degrade yourself and insult yourself to preserve the relationship at all costs (for example, staying in the relationship when he has overt relationships or becomes physically violent).

A narcissist will not see you as loving and committed to him or her. This is the time when the narcissist becomes more sadistic than you can imagine. why? Because you showed the narcissist there is no limit he or she can transgress that will make you withdraw your love. Please don’t do this yourself. Take any shred of self-confidence you have and get out of it. If you don’t have children or joint assets, go ghost. Complete radio silence.

Don’t take the bait and respond to angry messages or fake remorse. Narcissists and borderlines don’t feel real remorse. They feel sorry for themselves once they finally reap the consequences of their bad behavior, but that doesn’t mean they feel remorse for hurting others. As Rhett Butler said to Scarlett O’Hara in Gone With the Wind, “You’re like a thief who wasn’t sorry in the least because he stole, but so sorry he’s going to jail.”

But, does your narcissist seem honest when they say how much they miss you? Well, there might be an iota of truth to that. However, it would be more accurate to say that your narcissist misses the ease you brought into his life and the supplies you provided. This is not love and you deserve better. Continuing to engage with the former narcissist in any way allows him or her to continue to feed you. It’s time to take back your strength and resources for yourself. Let the narcissists pull the resources elsewhere, or, God forbid, they eventually do to themselves.

Ultimately, once you secure a new source of supply (eg, ass kissing, financial support, innovative sex, someone who believes the narcissist’s false self is the true self), you will be neglected. The new offer is tastier, juicier, and more powerful than the exhausted old supply seen behind the mask of the narcissist. Whether you realize it or not, you’ve probably never been upset with your relationship. Narcissists and triangular borderlines. It is important to understand this because the narcissist will not usually ignore until he or she has a new source of supply, a third party to replace the old supply. As the devaluation stage progresses, the narcissist looks for and takes care of new supplies. Once they find their new hero angel, that’s it.

triangle

Given that narcissists are insatiable, needy sucking vortexes, there is never enough attention, love, comfort, emotional breast milk, or any resource they desire. Like an alcoholic who hides bottles of vodka throughout the house, narcissists need emotional back-up support.

In the drama triangle of Karpaman there are three roles: the victim, the persecutor and the rescuer. There are two versions of the triangle; The narcissistic version and the objective reality version. The narcissist sees himself or the victim as the person who abuses and exploits (the old show) as his persecutor and his new source (eg, the lady/mistress) as the savior. In fact, the narcissist is the persecutor, the new source is his assistant/partner (unintentionally or intentionally) and the old source is the victim.

At the beginning of your relationship with the narcissist, when you were the new provider/savior, you may have helped and abetted the narcissist in hurting your predecessor. You were once the hero or the angel, and now you are the big old guy who doesn’t value your narcissist anymore. The new show is the solution to the narcissist’s problems just like you did before. Rinse, wash, repeat.

You may be cast back into the savior role if you are stupid and self-destructive enough to hang out and wait until the narcissist is disappointed or bored with the current new offer. But remember, even if it does, the narcissist will again be disappointed or bored with you and those around you. just get out of it

How about the new show/savior? He or she is more likely to be someone who depends unluckily on others and sees your narcissist as a poor, oppressed, and disrespectful victim. Do not envy the new offer. The narcissist will do to them what the narcissist did to you. Alternately, the new show/savior might also be another narcissist, borderline, theatrical, or sociopath who saw your narcissist coming from light years ago and then started the mutual love bombardment.

If the new show is a predator or another restless accomplice, the two will eventually break up with each other, in which case they keep a safe distance and pop some popcorn. Or you can heal and move on with your life and not look back. Well, well, have some schadenfreude and then move on and don’t look back.