When it comes to red flags in a relationship, in dating, and even in your friendships…
Have you ever heard the saying “Where there is smoke, there is fire”?
A red flag is a smoke that no matter how much you try to get rid of, choose to recognize the fog or spray with an air freshener to deny and keep walking, will always lead you to a fire. You may be able to see past the smoke and keep moving for a while, but the fire is the only thing that we can all agree on, and you will not be able to move through or ignore extinguishing.
All you can do is tend to your burns by adjusting your boundaries, understanding that ignoring the red flags of others is a major red flag of your own, and making a decision to stop normalizing and personalizing smoke signals as they arise.
The emotional tool belt I was born with didn’t come with a hose to put out the fires of relational arsonists.
Fires/red flags are not intended for you to extinguish, take ownership of, or be “good enough” to change color.
They are meant for you to get away from.
The problem with red flags in a relationship is that they are easier to identify in every relationship but our own. And when it comes to red flags in our relationships…
They seem to be most noticeable in hindsight.
What is a red flag?
A red flag can be a personality trait, a certain habit, behavior, or any type of someone else’s core beliefs or values that makes your intuition seem distant. This could be a problem right now or something you might see as a potential problem in the future.
If you suffer from low self-esteem, abandonment issues, and a disease to please, any sign of smoke will make you feel like you have to work harder to prove that you are “enough” to clear it up.
And when you’re finally locked into the vicious cycle of opening an investigation, collecting the receipt, chasing the truth, the instinct to prosecute, and interrogating reality…
You will know that you got burned.
However, there is a way to heal your wounds now.
For years, I would sue my gut feelings (which came naturally with exposure to red flags) down to nothing and write them off as self-sabotage. This was very convenient because it justified blaming myself and choosing the certainty (familiarity) of toxic relationships over my dignity (which, unfortunately, was unfamiliar).
I couldn’t walk away based on an instinctive feeling that I didn’t know how to listen to as much as I knew my fear of ending up alone.
There is a big difference between self-sabotage and the instinctive feeling that smoke is already a prelude to shooting.
Gut feelings are not subtle. They are often felt in your actual gut and become stronger when you don’t listen to them.
What is a gut feeling?
A gut feeling is when you catch a feeling that something is ” off.”And that doesn’t add up or make sense in terms of what kind of person you think you’re with and what kind of relationship you’re in.
Instinctive feelings are impossible to ignore-especially in toxic relationships where it feels impossible to get away.
So, to get out of this uncomfortable oblivion, we impulsively turn the key on ourselves.
We write down our gut feelings as trust issues, self-sabotage, incomplete trauma by our past, being “too cruel,” not giving it a fair chance, and overthinking. If you’re not putting up with dating someone who would dumb you down this ignorantly and immediately, you need to stop doing it to yourself.
This is not about everything that your ex told you and all the conversations you had. It’s not about all the details of your relationship that you remember and the instinctive feelings that you feel all the time. It’s about what you choose to ignore. And if you can see that you have mistaken the crumbs as a sign of the appearance of loaves, red excuses, and the general pattern of comfortable misinterpretation in your relationships can be determined…
It’s your intuition that you keep turning a blind eye to.
Your instinctual feelings are something you will never be able to afford to ignore because they are what your intuition consists of.
What is your intuition?
Intuition is when you just know.
He ignored your calls all night and although this has happened once before, this time something seems different. You are talking to him and you just know in your bones that something happened. Write all over the walls of your instinctive feelings. It doesn’t add his explanations but it also doesn’t make you ask for receipts or start any kind of drama or react this time.
This is how you know that this is not self-sabotage or insecurity that you are acting on-it’s pure intuition. The fact that you feel this way is enough for you. And although you are in shock and grief, you are done.
You know that the relationship you deserve should not involve feeling that way. Later, you may panic and feel that you need to go back to get the “facts” or gather more evidence but deep down, it doesn’t change the fact that you just know. And the reminder of this science will be relentless until you dare to work on it.
Your intuition will always communicate with you clearly and calmly.
Unfortunately, it is as difficult to act as it is easy to sue.
But why is it so crucial? Because it is the only means of communication that your destiny has with you. To ignore your intuition is literally to rob yourself of what is destined for you in this life.
Unlike the instinctive feelings that red flags sound like, and the calm knowledge of your intuition, The Voice of Self-Babotage has more of an impulsive, chatty, and negative tone.
Self-sabotage is not about seeing something with feathers hanging out in a body of water, instinctively feeling that it is a duck, and acting on your intuition to tell you that you are not in the ocean. It’s about having really good things around you and instead of embracing them, you pour poison on the seeds of opportunity so that nothing grows. And if nothing can grow and survive, then you will never have to deal with the loss and grief of death.
Loving yourself unconditionally is the only thing that will permanently self-sabotage from your emotional shelf.
Instinctive feelings are very different from self-sabotage. They are instant responses that shake you to your heart and make your inner security system sound by activating your intuition – regardless of whether you suffer from self-esteem or not.
Gut feelings are a normal reaction to red flags. They are there to protect you from the fire that you need to stop walking towards.
Self-sabotage is an internal red flag caused by insecurity and inherent patterns. It sounds like excuses, comes with little evidence, a low-energy all-encompassing feeling that makes life low-energy.
What separates your gut feelings from any other feeling is that when you caught fire and finally headed into your relationship with that fatal blow, you can now look back at those same feelings and know that you were right all along.
Your intuition is the oldest part of your soul; it will always try to get your attention via your instinctual feelings. And the more you recognize, love, and accept yourself, the more you will be able to listen to the smoke and act on it without apology (which always leads to a fire).
Red flags in dating
In the early stages of dating, we all show our best. We are on our best behavior and doing our best. In the end, we can’t help but return to what we are-good and bad.
Looking back at your relationship, you may feel shocked that your ex could change like that, but many of the signs were there during the first few dates. The signs are very subtle at first, but they are always there.
Maybe it happened even sooner than that. When he faced unplanned problems, awkward social settings, a lot of alcohol, surprise tours, and the kind of life circumstances and situations that were not only beyond his control, but highlighted everything that contradicted the man you thought you knew.
And you proceeded anyway, against your better judgment. Which is okay, we all have.
But why?
Instead of working to realize that there is a lot of smoke to breathe/ignore, we see a lot of potential to pass up.
At this stage, we urgently need you to work and invest in every way, and we cannot make a connection so that the smoke cannot come from the very waterfalls we are chasing.
Red flags are the greatest gift because they allow you to see exactly who you are dealing with. And any emotional craving that remains for his good qualities no longer can mess with you. Thanks to the red flags, you can see how embarrassingly limited, delusional, and contradictory those qualities are.
Always go for reality. Never wait for the possibility of achieving this.
What is the best thing to do when you come across a red flag? You immediately become more observant than you invested.
If you lent a friend money and on the promised return date they ignored all your calls and did not pay you, you will never continue to invest. You stop all investments until the smoke clears. And if this does not happen, you will not try to be a good enough friend to return your money. You cut your losses and close the door.
The same mindset should be applied to red flags.
Work is supposed to be done on red flags. They have not been investigated and answered.
Just as you can excuse and ignore, you can identify, flow, and triumph.
Red flags are never about you but self-sabotage. Stop ruining your life by thinking that your only goal in it is to work for things like love, honesty, clear communication, and respect.
Relationship red flags and deal breakers
Getting into a relationship with the task of immediately detecting any red flags is not only a terrible idea, but it is also annoying, unattractive, and destructive. It prevents the chance of a real connection happening.
What is useful, is the ability to know when you are in the smoke zone so that you can keep your antennas and not burn out.
Red flags tend to reside in three main areas…
Relational values and moral law.The relational value system and moral law are where many red flags of deal-breaking are hiding. This boils down to things that he thinks are funny, respectful/disrespectful, exciting, inspiring, on / off; what he thinks is okay, and what he doesn’t think is okay.
I once dated a guy who would never send me pictures of himself but was sending me porn messages – all day and without any other text leading up to or following it. I was not offended, but for me, it felt inorganic, awkward to respond to, and strange. I felt bad because I could tell he thought it was a real turn-on to send me multiple videos, every day, of strangers having sex. I’m sure some people will be into this, but it hasn’t done anything for me.
I think it’s important to be kind in your sincerity-never brutal. So, I told him in a direct but very nice, non-awkward way that I was not in the videos. He immediately said, “Oh, come on,” and called me Brod, laughed at me, and then, over the next month…
He slowly chilled me.
I tried everything to attract his attention and prove that I was not as lame as he thought. Besides feeling offended and ending up being rejected even more, I burned out.
Looking back, the videos were the smoke that displayed his value system, which led me to eventually shoot at his response (it was just as odious as his texts).
What ended up burning me though was not his. I was so aroused, that I tried to be “good enough” to extinguish the fire that I had decided to take ownership of both from the very beginning and kindling. (Instead of realizing that the only person who could put out that fire was him).
If your partner thinks that there is something funny that you find annoying, exciting to find a full turn, or respectful that you feel is disrespectful and does not match your relational value system and moral code-you need to identify it as the smoke that it is and stop investing.
Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks. The fact that you feel this way is enough to at least admit the presence of smoke.
This also includes how he lives. And it has nothing to do with being superficially materialistic or obsessed. It’s about preferences, values, lifestyles. If he lives happily in a certain way that will make you miserable, ask for a tetanus shot or the maturity of an eleven-year-old child to move This is your sign to fold- not your sign of renewal.
Family, friends & exes.Red flags hide in these relationships and we excuse the inappropriateness for many reasons. It may highlight the lack of closeness in our relationships and sometimes the lack of close relationships in our lives (which generates shame). It’s also hard to put up with because you don’t want to be an uncool girlfriend who gives her partner a hard time having a relationship with someone that matters to him. Most of the time, I like to write off my instinctive feelings in such situations as insecurity. I do pillars myself by ignoring my gut feelings and then, pillars have a perceived maturity and incredible relationships that “I just didn’t understand.”
Pay close attention to how he talks, the relationships he has with his family and friends, and his exit (if he is still in contact with any of them). Notice if he behaves like a different person, seeks validation, or gets to be the Fixer/rescuer for them.
If he has a relationship with a family member, friend, or ex at best, it makes your stomach turn, and at worst, Do you wonder about your place in his life, your relationship with him, your worth, his values (and/or sex), your reality…
Keep your antennas on because most of the red flags of deal breakers are hiding in these dynamics.
Patterns.The ability to detect/act on red flags in relationships goes hand in hand with your ability to do what the majority of people cannot do: look beyond the superficiality of good looks, words, actions, and even character.
The winning character can be addicted because she looks as good as she looks on paper. You can talk all night, finish each other’s sentences, and laugh for hours. The back-and-forth conversation is seamless and flirting, chivalry everything makes sense and feels incredible. None of that is important despite the lack of character and integrity that supports it. There is nothing sexier than a person with character and integrity. The only way to attract a person with character and integrity is to show the same character and integrity that you had to give up to give toxic people one chance, not to mention several.
Winning the genetic lottery does not require any talent or effort, and it does not last. It will last no more than a few minutes if ugly, divisive, unintelligent, inconsistent, and contradictory words come out of a beautiful mouth.
And just like looks mean nothing without a good personality backing them up, words mean nothing without backup work for them. But there is one more element of it that for years, I failed to see…
An incredible personality replaces appearance, actions replace words-and patterns REPLACE action.
Everything you need to know about a person’s character, his ability to develop, and his emotional intelligence can be found by taking a look at his patterns. The actions are great but remember ANYONE anyone can do something chivalrous.
A person can earn a profit, spend a profit, book a trip, open a door, buy a ring, send flowers, write a card, or physically appear. Personality and looks change and fade over time. Personality and integrity are the only things you will be able to grow old with because they are immune to the timestamp.
Personality is about the moral qualities that characterize you. Integrity is the level at which what you say and the actions you take, match the pattern of those qualities.
The ability to recognize patterns is what allows you to separate the emotional nostalgia associated with the greatness/chivalry of his actions from the truth (red flags) of his patterns.
What are the red flags in a relationship?
- As all of my posts are, this applies to all genders and orientations. He calls himself.
People cannot help but convey who they are by their actions and patterns, but sometimes, it’s their direct words. If he tells you directly that he is immature, hesitant, keeping his options open, too good for you, can’t give you want, is commitment phobic, etc., This is not a cue to try to be an exception to a rule described deeply in his being, he has no problem communicating it.
It’s your braid to fold.
He is the victim in all his previous relationships.If he spills personal details, Gossips, or speaks badly about an ex/ex that he is a victim of, do not think that you will be immune at all.
Control and gaslighting.Gaslighting in relationships is about gaining power and control. It is a form of manipulation in which gaslighters slowly, methodically, and passively disassemble another to the point that they begin to question their reality and reason. If you are going crazy for what your eyes, ears, and instinct are experiencing in real-time, then this is not real love.
Defensively.If you ask him a question casually and respectfully and his defense seems too weird, unnecessary, theatrical, and out of proportion to the question and energy you asked, that’s a big red flag. Especially if he deviates and makes you feel immature, accusatory, or” mean ” to ask.
Addiction.If he’s addicted to something and either refuses or doesn’t get help even worse, if he’s in denial, that’s a heartbreaking but deal-breaking red flag.
Forging the future.If he is always talking about your future together but there is no progress…
You need to become more afraid of wasting time (that you will never get back) than you are missing out on a future that he is unable to realize.
Future faking is used cheaply and very quickly, maximizing the intensity of your relationship with little or no effort. It’s also used to get you so excited about the future that you will enthusiastically check every box on the list of his selfish, present-day needs (without any current or future exchange).
It is a walking contradiction; there is always a double standard.And when any contradiction is treated with respect in a non-accusatory way, he has a bulletproof excuse. This makes you feel like a fool and less inclined to bring anything to him again.
He is selfish and shows little interest in your life (but he expects you to be his on-demand cheerleader, motivational coach and armchair psychologist).The only time he shows any interest in everything that is happening is before the need is satisfied. Or, if there is something in it for him.
Therapy.At first, he will be on his best behavior with you.
Use this time to be acutely aware of how he treats everyone around you-animals, the elderly, children, friends, co-workers, people who help him, serve him in a restaurant, etc. Especially those who cannot do anything for him.
Sympathetic bankruptcy.Empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. If you find yourself empathizing with a man who is unable to empathize with you, this is a big red flag.
If your sympathy for him becomes harmful to your mental health, empathize with yourself and move away.
He gets off for making you jealous and keeping you on your toes.Because you never feel like you have “all” of it, you are in a constant state of trying to have it all. If you feel that you have to compete with other women, his ex, his family, career, etc…
This unfairly removes the pillars, the hateful pillars of it, and redefines your definition of a relationship as something you have to compete to experience.
No thanks.
Lies and unreliability.Whether it’s a compulsion to lie (about big and/or small things) or the deepest roots of Pathology, you don’t have the time or strength to heal someone from debauchery and delusional facade.
And if you don’t trust him, there’s no way you can rely on him.
When he says that he is "trying" with the basics.Regardless of relational experience, no one should “try” to love you, be honest with you, respect you, commit to you, appreciate you, remain monogamous, and be an adult.
Familiarity.Apart from very basic and less specific qualities such as honesty and kindness…
If they look eerily similar to remind you of your ex or any one of your parents, that’s a red flag.
Confessions.If he tells you that he cheated on absolutely everyone he’s ever been with but he’s not going to cheat on you, fold. He’s telling you he has a history of a recurring toxic pattern. Do not stick around to see if you can be a person who turns around an immature and disgusting standard.
Let someone else be the collision doll if he wants to. You’re out.
He says over and over, "I'm just kidding "to hurtful jokes.”“Joking” in this way is a joke. As long as he’s ” flirting “and you have a negative reaction to him, you just” can’t take a joke.”As long as he’s joking, he can be cruel and get away with it because “it’s just a joke.”
It’s a joke here and it needs to be done.
He has an allergic reaction to your success.If your success requires you to give it more attention during your moment, that’s a huge red flag.
If you feel bad and apologize for your success, it’s because your success highlights his lack of it. And anyone who can amplify their light just by dimming yours is not worth your time.
His definition of love, monogamy, honesty, and respect are not the same for you.You deserve a man who knows these things the same way (or in a better way) than you do. Think about how you would advise someone you care about and do the same for yourself. Stay away from this red flag. How are you any better than your ex?
