Key Points

Narcissists choose to be with you because you have something special to offer them.

You may be in a relationship with a narcissist if you encounter his or her false modesty, selfish sexuality, and pattern of lying.

A narcissist may adopt highly attractive behaviors, but the person is simply “acting” to gain acceptance.

Early in a relationship, a narcissist may go out of his way to make you feel special.

A few months ago, I edited the second edition of Cynthia Zinn’s book Narcissistic Lovers. Since then, I’ve had a hard time shaking off memories of an old friend who has come back to haunt me as I’ve put commas and changed pronouns in Zinn’s excellent book.

Seeing it on the first page struck me just as I had experienced it:

In the beginning, your partner made you feel appreciated. That special someone complimented you by saying things like, “You’re the perfect person,” or “I’ve never been in a relationship like this before…”

A few pages later, her description of Narcissistic Personality Disorder confirmed one thing I was told about her boyfriend after our breakup by his boss: Bob was “fired” for lying about his colleagues and inflating his accomplishments at the expense of others. The man who started his career as a likable, trustworthy, and great team player was seen without his stage makeup.

Zane draws the reader into a deep understanding of what it feels like—from the first steps to the last—to walk hand-in-hand with a narcissist every day.

We’re supposed to be flattered to realize that, although it seemed like a coincidence that we came together, the narcissist actually “chose” us because of the positive characteristics or special strengths we displayed.

I was publishing articles in newspapers and magazines, and Bob wanted to be a published author. I was a successful competitive athlete in a sport that Bob loved and trained for every morning before work.

When we broke up—when he broke up with me because I began to question the “reality” of his relationships at work and home—my heart was broken. I loved him; I thought he was the elusive soulmate that few people find. But it wasn’t the conversation with my former boss that helped me focus and evaluate what I was going through. It was being with my friends.

If you pay attention to how your real friends treat you and interact with each other, you gain some perspective on the toxic aspects of a relationship with a narcissist. That has helped me move forward more than anything else.

Now, armed with decades of study in human behavior and access to extraordinary works like Narcissistic Lovers, I feel somewhat qualified to offer insights into narcissistic behavior. But what I want to do here is give you three major red flags based on my time with Bob and what I’ve learned from credible experts. These aren’t warnings I took from a peer-reviewed study or research paper. They’re simply what I saw, and I realize in hindsight that recognizing them would have spared me emotional pain.

WarningSigns

Fake Humility. C.S. Lewis (The Chronicles of Narnia) said, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it’s thinking less of yourself.” Someone may say things that sound humble to you, but they still make it all about him (or her). One thing Bob did was politely say that he still had a lot of work to do on his body, even though he was a successful amateur bodybuilder. This was just an invitation to the compliments he sought about how great he was.

Lying is convenient. It may seem fun, as in, “Let’s spread the word that we’re getting away for the weekend and see how people react.” Then you realize that every day involves some sort of “fun” lie and your narcissistic lover has no problem with it. You begin to retreat into a kind of movie world where willing suspension of disbelief is the norm.

Put ice on your cheeks and wake up if you think you’re with a narcissist. Read what therapists like Dr. Eleanor Greenberg have to say in Are You in Love with Someone with a Personality Disorder? Use resources designed for regular readers like narcissistic lovers. Those of us who have been through it or seriously considered it want to help you avoid years of pain.