Key Points

The opposite of the loudmouthed, self-centered narcissist who needs to be the center of attention is the covert narcissist.

Covert narcissists can be passive-aggressive, introverted, and grudge-bearing.

They often perpetuate a fantasy that is very different from reality, and their behaviors are geared toward getting the attention they crave.

A common perception of narcissists is that they are loud, exaggerated, and highly visible in their sense of grandiosity and feelings of superiority over others. While this is one expression of narcissism, psychologists recognize that narcissism occurs on a spectrum. In other words, there are a range of different behaviors that an individual with narcissism can exhibit.

The opposite of the loudmouthed, self-centered narcissist who seeks to be the center of attention is the covert narcissist. This person is sometimes called a vulnerable narcissist, which seems like a contradiction in terms.

A passive-aggressive individual who exhibits narcissistic traits uses the traditional techniques and tactics associated with the diagnosis but also exhibits some traits that fall outside of typical behaviors. As with any mental health issue, the diagnosis should only be made by a trained mental health professional, as other personality disorders may exhibit some of the same traits and behaviors.

Here are some of the traits and behaviors you might see in a covert passive-aggressive narcissist:

Sabotaging others

This is the passive-aggressive component. The covert narcissist ridicules others through jokes, blames others at work and in relationships, and works behind the scenes to cause others to fail in their favor. They may also choose not to work on team or group projects but use the blame game to shift the focus onto others.

Extremely introverted

The covert narcissist is not an extrovert and tends to feel insecure. Being distant from others reduces their need to compare themselves to themselves or to hold themselves to external standards.

Highly Sensitive to Correction

Constructive criticism or mild correction is seen as a personal threat to the covert narcissist. They tend to respond to these types of comments with the silent treatment or anger. Keep in mind that perceived criticism is just as important as intended correction for these individuals.

Depression and Anxiety

Feeling isolated and fearful of being exposed for not being as good as they see themselves increases the risk of anxiety and depression.

Grudges and Envy

These individuals do not let go of perceived slights and tend to hold onto grudges and negative thoughts for long periods. They also see successful others as undeserving of their success or as taking what is rightfully theirs in terms of recognition, wealth, job, or other tangible or intangible things.

Finally, the covert narcissist often creates a fantasy narrative that is completely different from their reality. This is similar to classic narcissistic behavior. However, the fantasy is often hidden or concealed from others.

Some covert or vulnerable narcissists can display empathy. However, their kindness or concern for others is done as a means of gaining approval or recognition, not for selfless, altruistic reasons. Everything this type of narcissist does, including making self-deprecating statements, is about getting the attention of others. Like the typical narcissist, this individual needs the attention of others to feel complete.

It can be very difficult to determine if a person is a covert narcissist. Working with a therapist is the most effective way to protect yourself, develop boundaries, and assess the viability of the relationship based on your emotional and mental health and well-being.