Whether you’re a people pleaser, a sensitive person, an empath, or just a kind-hearted person, you probably care deeply about your connections with the people you care about—but not everyone has your best interest at heart, and empaths are often vulnerable to being taken advantage of by others.
If you find yourself feeling resentful in relationships because you’re often the one giving more of their time, money, or energy, or because they leave you feeling drained or unheard, you may be involved with a toxic, manipulative person.
After overcoming and healing from decades of emotionally and psychologically abusive relationships, I sought answers through therapy, inner child healing work with a shaman, daily meditation, and journaling.
As a trauma-informed empowerment coach and author of several books on the psychology of happiness, I now make it a priority to support people through their healing journey by identifying the toxic behaviors of the people in their lives and finding powerful ways to reclaim their autonomy.
Here are common patterns of abusers and what they look like, as well as how to respond healthily:
- Emotional Manipulation
Emotional manipulation is a form of psychological and emotional abuse where one person causes another person to question their sanity, memories, or perception of reality. It is a way to control another person.
It works by breaking down a person’s self-esteem while increasing their trust or dependence on the abuser or controller.
Emotional manipulation looks like this:
“You’re wrong; you never remember things correctly.”
“You’re imagining things. This never happened.”
“Stop overreacting.”
“You’re being too sensitive.”
Healthy Response:
“I’m not discussing what I know I’ve been through with you. My feelings are valid.”
“I know what’s real; this is my truth.”
“You’re entitled to your distorted opinion of me, but I know who I am and what’s real.”
- Blame Shifting (or Attention Shifting)
Blame shifting, or “attention shifting,” is a tactic that manipulative people use to take any relevant attention or discussion away from themselves and place it on others.
Related : Are You an Emotional Vampire?
They use it to make you question the validity of your feelings and blame you for causing a problem, which frees the person to shift blame from self-responsibility and helps them maintain the control they want.
BlameShifting sounds like:
“I can’t win with you; nothing is ever good enough.”
“Well, if you’re that unhappy, why don’t you just leave?”
“Since you’re never satisfied with anything I do, I don’t see the point in trying.”
“If you’re a good kid, I don’t have to punish you.”
Healthy Response:
“Your attempt to blame me for the same concerns I share about your behavior is manipulation. ‘I’m not playing that game with you, and I refuse to be disrespected.’”
- Triangulation
Triangulation is when a toxic or manipulative person brings a third party into the relationship to stay in control. The goal is to divide, conquer, or deceive people.
There will be virtually no communication between the two triangulated people except for the manipulative person.
Triangulation looks like this:
“You’re much stronger than your brother. He’s easy to get along with and never gets in trouble.”
“My ex still communicates with me and has no problem doing things you don’t want to do. Honestly, I’m not sure why we broke up anymore.”
“Your cousin told me she was mad at you and thought you were selfish.”
Healthy Response:
“I don’t like being in the middle and would rather not hear about this.”
“I think a direct conversation with them would be better. Please don’t get involved.”
- Playing the Victim
Playing the victim is a way to shift blame onto others. By portraying themselves as innocent and helpless, toxic, narcissistic, and manipulative people can garner sympathy and support from others while avoiding responsibility for their actions.
Playing the victim looks like this:
There’s always something wrong with their life. When you bring something up, seeking support, it always comes back to their problems, pain, or dilemmas.
They’re always complaining about their situations and the bad luck they’re experiencing.
They may claim that their suffering gives them the right to act in ways that are unacceptable to others or that they should be given preferential treatment because they’re victims.
Healthy Response:
“Our relationship is important to me, but it’s not helpful for you to keep feeling sorry for yourself. I can only listen for a few minutes unless you’re willing to discuss solutions.”
“You know, in all the situations you’ve told me about, the common denominator is you. I like to see what my role is in the situation so I can make a positive change. Maybe you want to try that.”
- Crocodile Tears
Crocodile tears can be used for superficial sympathy, and/or a false and insincere display of emotion. They are fake tears or are meant to deceive.
You can tell when they are crocodile tears because they seem like a show or act—the tears are insincere and often come very quickly and end even faster.
Crocodile Tears can look like this:
Sharing personal or sad information on a first date (or early in a relationship) and crying in search of a quick response and sympathy from you.
Exaggerating the situation with quick bouts of crying.
Healthy Response:
“There is a time to express your feelings, but trying to fake emotion after hurting me is dismissive, insincere, and inappropriate.”
“I don’t appreciate the insincere attempts to manipulate my emotions. Please stop trying to distract and deceive me.”
How to Protect Your Peace
Prioritize your peace by recognizing your value and knowing that you deserve better with these steps.
Start to realize that not everyone has your best interest at heart. Some people may act like they value you but only value how you make them feel or what you do for them.
Clarify anything that is said to you before you act on it.
Stay in touch with loved and trusted people in your life and tell them about any problems or issues that arise.
Related : When to Break Up With Someone and When to Stick It Out
Maintain a healthy balance and set boundaries with family, friends, or work relationships that use these tactics.
Walk away from the conversation if you feel it is turning into an unhealthy or dysfunctional conversation.
Walk away from any communication that tries to pit you against someone else.
Educate yourself. Free yourself from toxic communications by digging into your own life and focusing on your health and happiness.
Create a support group, join healing groups, work with a life coach and/or trauma-informed therapist, read books on healing and personal development, etc.
Prioritize self-love and self-care.
Raise your standards for how people treat you and be more discerning about who has access to your energy, time, and money.
Set clear boundaries.
Limit contact, and distance, or walk away if you need to and can.
Stay away.
Practice self-respect through self-care and self-love.
Conclusion
We can’t control how others treat us, but we can control how we respond and move forward.
By knowing how to spot (and respond to) manipulative behaviors, you’ll be better equipped to protect your safety and protect yourself from toxic people who don’t have your best interests at heart.
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