There is no anger or contempt in hell for a narcissist who dares to disagree with them, tell them they are wrong, or embarrass them. You don’t want to be on their wrong side because if you do, they will be angry.
Other traits of narcissists include:
Control freaks
Quick to anger
Quick to anger
Low tolerance for frustration
Argumentative
Need the last word
Unable to lose
Won’t take “no” for an answer
Quick to anger if you don’t accommodate them
Quick to defend if you accuse them of any shortcoming, fault, or responsibility
Can’t apologize or if they do, can’t do it sincerely
Rarely say “thank you” or “congratulations”
No remorse or show it
Feel entitled to enthusiastic approval, appreciation, admiration, approval, and obedience
Pride in victory, sullen in defeat
Quick to anger if you humiliate them
What is the connection between narcissism and anger?
There is an old saying that when you are a hammer, the world seems like a nail. When you are a narcissist, the world seems like it should approve of you, adore you, agree with you, and obey you. Anything less feels like an assault, which is why the narcissist feels justified in responding with anger.
The essence of narcissism is not what is often referred to as low self-esteem. I don’t think that is accurate, but rather something that people around them say to themselves to relieve their anger at the narcissist, namely, “Oh, they only act this way because they have no self-esteem.”
The essence of narcissists is the instability of their ability to feel and continue to feel that they are bigger, bigger, smarter, and more successful than anyone else, which is what they need to feel stable. As Hamlet’s mother said, “The lady protests a lot,” and “the narcissist brags, despises, talks down, embellishes and belittles himself a lot” to constantly prove to the world and themselves that they are larger than life. This is not so much to increase their self-esteem as to continually fill the gaps in their core that lead to a sense of instability – which if not filled will lead to fragility followed by disintegration.
There is no anger or contempt in hell for a narcissist who dares to disagree with them, tell them they are wrong, or embarrass them. You don’t want to be on their wrong side because if you do, they will be angry.
Other traits of narcissists include:
Control freaks
Quick to anger
Quick to anger
Low tolerance for frustration
Argumentative
Need the last word
Unable to lose
Won’t take “no” for an answer
Quick to anger if you don’t accommodate them
Quick to defend if you accuse them of any shortcoming, fault, or responsibility
Can’t apologize or if they do, can’t do it sincerely
Rarely say “thank you” or “congratulations”
No remorse or show it
Feel entitled to enthusiastic approval, appreciation, admiration, approval, and obedience
Pride in victory, sullen in defeat
Quick to anger if you humiliate them
What is the connection between narcissism and anger?
There is an old saying that when you are a hammer, the world seems like a nail. When you are a narcissist, the world seems like it should approve of you, adore you, agree with you, and obey you. Anything less feels like an assault, which is why the narcissist feels justified in responding with anger.
The essence of narcissism is not what is often referred to as low self-esteem. I don’t think that is accurate, but rather something that people around them say to themselves to relieve their anger at the narcissist, namely, “Oh, they only act this way because they have no self-esteem.”
The essence of narcissists is the instability of their ability to feel and continue to feel that they are bigger, bigger, smarter, and more successful than anyone else, which is what they need to feel stable. As Hamlet’s mother said, “The lady protests a lot,” and “the narcissist brags, despises, talks down, embellishes and belittles himself a lot” to constantly prove to the world and themselves that they are larger than life. This is not so much to increase their self-esteem as to continually fill the gaps in their core that lead to a sense of instability – which, if not filled, will lead to fragility and then disintegration.
Narcissistic rage occurs when the instability of that core is threatened and further destabilizes them. Similar to a wounded animal who is the most ferocious (because he believes the next wound will kill him), narcissistic rage occurs when narcissists believe that the next insult/assault to their grandiosity-based stability will shatter them.
The reason narcissists are selfish is because their grandiosity-based stability needs constant reinforcement to remain stable.
What to do when a narcissist gets angry at you?
Don’t let them cross the line into physical violence, but if it seems like they’re going to follow you in to continue verbally assaulting you and then it escalates, just listen to them until they say something. Don’t try to confront them verbally.
After they calm down—or rather, the next day—say, “I didn’t mean to say this when you were yelling at me or being sullen with me, but the next time you get angry with me and yell at me verbally or talk down or act sullen, I will say once, ‘Please talk to me or act respectfully,’ and if that doesn’t stop you, I will walk away and go to another part of the house, office, or company. After this conversation, if it happens again, I will simply walk away and say, ‘I have other things to do.’ This is not an ultimatum, but just a warning of what I will do if these exchanges happen again.” (Please edit as you see fit to sound more like your own words, but I hope you get the idea.)
One lesson from this is that “sometimes words respond to words, but actions (which are narcissistic rage) respond to actions in the form of consequences.” The challenge is to make your response to the action completely appropriate and not overdo it, which you will have to back off from, or downplay it, which will only allow them to continue to get angry at you.
The most important lesson is to weigh what these people bring to your life: if what they take from it and inflict on you is much more, walk away.
