“A mistake that is repeated more than once is a decision.” Anonymous author
In my private practice, I work with many clients who are recovering from toxic relationships in love, work, or family. In general, my clients are managing cognitive dissonance in the wake of a myriad of weapons of abuse by their psychological abuser, including gaslighting, blame shifting/projection, the silent treatment, and projecting power/control. What confuses many people is the push-pull cycle of “approach/distancing” behaviors.
In general, abusers such as extreme (malignant) narcissists engage in this push-pull dynamic in their intimate relationships. By virtue of being diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), the abuser has difficulty maintaining healthy relationships and communicating with others. A person with BPD is, by definition, afraid of intimacy because of a troubled attachment history in which closeness or love was associated with emotional pain and suffering.
Often times, the NPD individual comes from a family of origin where the NPD person neglected or abused them. Sometimes, emotional abuse can be intermittent with intermittent barrages of over-attention and over-indulgence, only to resume behaviors such as cold breakups or overt emotional abuse. It was never safe for the NPD individual (as a child) to feel connected to their primary caregiver because their parents were unable to consistently show them true love over a long period of time. With a net result of feeling rejected and unloved in childhood, attachments between caregiver and child (who becomes NPD) are avoidant, disorganized, anxious, and resistant ( Bowlby, 2005 ).
As a result, the narcissist experiences enormous anxiety as an adult when faced with potential romantic relationships. The NPD individual’s internal working model becomes so attached that he or she cannot depend on others to meet his or her basic needs for emotional safety. Vulnerability is essential in any healthy relationship, but the narcissist cannot psychologically bear the risk of emotional annihilation if the object of his affection rejects or lashes out with an ego that is too fragile and developmentally immature.
Thus, the false self of the outside world is constructed to defend against the horror of letting down the universal human need for connection and connection. The narcissist constructs a false reality, or mask, to project onto the outside world, such that his wounded inner psyche, feeling completely unloved and unworthy, is deeply buried and inaccessible, even to the narcissist. When a romantic partner tries to get emotionally close to a narcissist, the narcissist engages in avoidant behavior that has the effect of driving away the object of their love. Essentially, the narcissist becomes less available for appointments, phone calls, cancels plans at the last minute, and in some cases, slowly fades away or even disappears. The result is panic and confusion for the romantic partner. It’s hard not to personalize the dysfunctional behavior of BPD, and it’s not the romantic partner’s fault. The responsibility for emotional pain lies squarely with the NPD person.
Sometimes, an NPD person knows that they have caused hurt and emotional pain to their romantic partner, but even knowing or “thinking” about how their actions affected the other is not enough to change the behavior (Nassehi, 2012). The NPD is so committed to defending their fragile ego that all their energy goes into shoring up their false self against any potential or perceived criticism or abandonment. Even excellent and loving partners are turned away because the NPD cannot bear the possibility of being exposed to such vulnerability that may lead to emotional abandonment, thus reopening the original core trauma of BPD.
Once the narcissist succeeds in regaining his or her sense of balance by engaging in a slow fade or complete departure from the abyss into the fade-out (or “ghosting”), the narcissist often returns with “wandering” all over the place. High-functioning NPDs want and chase intimacy and closeness (idealization stage), but once they have it, they cannot tolerate the demands of reciprocity, empathy, compromise, authenticity, and integrity required in any healthy, developed relationship. The NPD then orchestrates their own abandonment so that they have complete control over ending the relationship (devaluing/discarding), because NPDs subconsciously know they have an attachment problem. They do not operate from conscious awareness, and their devaluing and ignoring behaviors are often very cruel and hurtful to their romantic partners.
Using a “vacuum cleaner,” the NPD attempts to pull their love object into a romantic cycle. NPD usually have enough time to get in touch with their human needs, desires, and desires to be close again, as we are all created to be social and attached beings. However, once you reengage with a romantic partner, the same cycle of devaluation and disposal begins. The extreme NPD person cannot maintain a close, intimate relationship that requires vulnerability, compromise, honesty, and empathy. NPD has great difficulty understanding their internal structure of reality and how their behavior affects significant others.
These cycles can also appear in family or friendship relationships, as well as work/business relationships. The result is the same as with extreme narcissistic personality disorder: the other person/partner/friend/colleague with the extreme personality will experience emotional pain and harm. As Sandra Brown says, it is “a relationship of inevitable harm” (2009).
Ultimately, the NPD individual is not built with psychological parts to maintain insight or an internal working model of the self in the environment that generates empathy. Sadly for extreme narcissistic personality disorder, they are unable to love in a deep and mature way, and as a result of their inner psychological wound, narcissistic personality disorder hurts others in all life settings.
