“All children, except one, grow up,” wrote J. M. Barrie in his 1911 novel Peter and Wendy. He talked about Peter Pan, the original boy who had never grown up.
While there is no real magic that prevents children from growing up physically, some adults continue to cling to the carefree days of youth and find emotional and financial responsibilities difficult well into adulthood.
“Peter Pan Syndrome,” the current name for this pattern of behavior, first appeared in Dr. Dan Kelly’s 1983 book, “Peter Pan Syndrome: Men Who Never Grow Up.”
While Kelly focused on this behavior in men, Peter Pan Syndrome can affect people of any gender or culture.
Keep in mind that this is not a recognized mental health condition. However, many experts agree that this pattern of behavior can have an impact on a person’s relationships and quality of life.
WhatItLooksLike
Have you ever said, “I can’t be an adult today”? People with Peter Pan Syndrome tend to live by this philosophy every day.
Because Peter Pan Syndrome isn’t a clinical diagnosis, experts haven’t identified any official symptoms. Here’s some consensus on how it often shows up in relationships, at work, and in personal attitudes toward responsibility and accountability.
RelationshipSigns
“In relationships, I think it shows up most clearly in varying levels of ambition, expectations, life goals, and ability to commit,” explains Patrick Cheatham, a psychologist in Portland, Oregon.
If your partner has Peter Pan Syndrome, you might get the impression that he or she will have a hard time living alone.
His dishes might pile up in the sink. He or she might avoid doing laundry so that he or she doesn’t have anything clean to wear. You might find yourself regularly helping out with household chores just to make his or her home more livable.
May:
They let you plan activities and make big decisions
They neglect household chores and childcare responsibilities
They prefer to “live for the day” and show little interest in making long-term plans
They show signs of emotional unavailability, such as an unwillingness to label or define relationships
They misspend money and have other problems with their personal finances
They consistently avoid addressing relationship issues in productive ways
Work-related signs
People with Peter Pan syndrome also tend to struggle to achieve work and career goals, according to Cheetham.
May:
They have a pattern of losing a job due to lack of effort, tardiness, or absenteeism
They put little real effort into finding a job
They frequently leave jobs when they feel bored, challenged, or stressed
They take only part-time work and are uninterested in pursuing promotion opportunities
They move from one field to another without taking the time to develop skills in any particular area
In some cases, this problem may also manifest itself in the form of unrealistic goals, such as dreams of becoming a professional athlete or landing a record deal.
These are certainly possibilities for some people, and there is nothing wrong with pursuing them in healthy ways. But if these ambitions are preventing success in other areas of life, it may be time to consider more realistic career options.
Turning these dreams into reality without putting in any real effort to achieve them may also indicate Peter Pan syndrome.
Signs of Attitude, Mood, and Behavior
People with Peter Pan syndrome may seem somewhat helpless. You may have a general impression that they can’t “get their act together” and notice things like:
A pattern of unreliability and withdrawal
Emotional outbursts when faced with stressful situations
A tendency to find excuses and blame others when things go wrong
Lack of or no interest in personal growth
Expectations of being taken care of
Fear of negative evaluation
A pattern of substance abuse, often to escape difficult feelings or responsibilities
A desire to keep their options open rather than making concrete plans
These signs can also be linked to other issues, but a person who displays many of the signs and symptoms listed above may have Peter Pan Syndrome.
Narcissism can (sometimes) play a role
Narcissism comes up a lot in discussions of Peter Pan Syndrome, but they are two different concepts.
It’s true that some people living with this syndrome also display some narcissistic tendencies. However many people have some narcissistic traits without meeting the full criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Furthermore, not everyone with Peter Pan Syndrome traits also has narcissistic traits.
However, the two issues share some similarities.
People with narcissism may also experience:
Not accepting accountability
Blaming others for failures
Prioritizing personal desires over the needs of others
Fearing criticism or conflict
However, narcissists tend to devalue others and lack empathy for these behaviors.
Many experts consider narcissistic defenses to be an extreme way to compensate for low self-esteem and self-worth. People who make an effort to explore narcissistic traits in therapy may discover feelings of inadequacy and emptiness.
According to Cheetham, people with Peter Pan Syndrome may arrive at these same feelings through a different route. He goes on to explain that with few personal accomplishments to show for it, they may face disrespect and rejection.
Ultimately, these experiences can play a role in feelings of low self-esteem and failure, and some people may try to manage them by “doubling down” on things like seeking excitement and avoiding challenges.
It’s more common in males (but not exclusively)
Peter Pan Syndrome is largely associated with males (and has been since the beginning). However, it’s worth noting that most of Kelly’s research was conducted in the 1970s and 1980s when gender roles were more fixed than they are today.
However, data from the University of Granada and a 2010 study of 29 young Navajo women suggest that males are more likely — but not always — to experience Peter Pan Syndrome.
To date, there has been a lack of research examining how these behaviors manifest across genders. The studies that do exist are very small.
