Among the hallmarks of narcissism, manipulation is one of the most important.
Since narcissists struggle to feel empathy for others, they often use people as a means to an end, whether for financial gain, emotional validation, or a sense of power.
Luckily, there is a way to deal with narcissists—or at least protect yourself from their mind games.
Let’s get started right away. People who turn the tables on narcissists tend to use these six clever tactics.
1) They Set Firm Boundaries—and Reinforce Them When Needed
Okay, the first tactic for dealing with narcissists is to set your boundaries in a firm, assertive way.
Sounds easy enough, right?
Except that many people struggle to set boundaries in healthy relationships, let alone add narcissists to the equation.
The key here is to use “I” statements, stick to rational arguments, and stay calm.
“I feel uncomfortable when you talk to me like that. Don’t do it.”
“I need space to process my feelings. Let’s take a break for a few hours and come back to this when I’m calmer.”
“I’m too busy to help you next weekend. Stop asking me to change my plans. It makes me uncomfortable.”
If you grew up as a people pleaser, these types of statements may come across as overly aggressive or confrontational. They’re perfectly acceptable.
Be assertive enough that the narcissist understands that you won’t let them control you, but you also don’t give them anything to use against you.
The next step?
Respect these boundaries. If they continue to talk to you in the same way, leave the room. If they blame you for wanting space during an argument, stick to your decision. If they continue to ask you for help even when you don’t have time, don’t show up.
Narcissists will try to use any opportunity they get to manipulate you, whether through manipulation, guilt, or pretense. Don’t let them.
2) Acknowledge the narcissist’s feelings…
Because many narcissists are deprived of validation, they love to blame, feel guilty, and seek sympathy.
Ironically, this is precisely what happens when you give them what they’re looking for.
What do you mean you understand their feelings? It’s so refreshing—and disconcerting—to see that someone empathizes with them!
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This usually calms them down and eases their stress.
However, you need to approach this smartly—while it’s good to acknowledge someone’s feelings, you also shouldn’t enable or support them in a victim mentality.
Balance is everything.
3) …but you also need to call out their manipulative behavior
Show empathy, and then make it clear to them that no matter how much you understand their motivations, their behavior is still unacceptable.
“I understand that you’re upset, and it must be really hard for you. But I also get upset when you talk to me like that, so I want us to de-escalate the situation.”
“I know this is annoying and stressful, but feeling guilty isn’t going to help me. I’m not going to accept this.”
Narcissists love to manipulate people into doing exactly what they want, and if they see over and over again that their tricks aren’t working on them, they’ll eventually give in.
Don’t be afraid to criticize them. But don’t expect them to tell you that you’re right either. They’re likely to deny the facts because they don’t want to lose face.
But this will make them think. It will force them to distance themselves. And sometimes, that’s enough.
4) They steer the conversation deftly
Another clever tactic you can try is to always be aware of where the conversation is taking you.
A manipulative narcissist will try to steer the conversation in a direction that’s in their favor.
They will make side arguments that are unrelated to the main argument at hand, distort the narrative, and change the subject if it doesn’t serve them.
Again, don’t let them do this.
If they use a logical fallacy just to win an argument, point it out and redirect the conversation back on track. If they suddenly change the subject, reprimand them for it.
You don’t need to do this aggressively, keep that in mind – it’s important to always remain calm.
Why?
Let’s find out…
5) They Always Remain Emotionally Detached
One of the most important rules when talking to a narcissist is to never let your emotions get the better of you.
The truth is, that narcissists thrive on emotional chaos. They want to use your emotions to their advantage, from guilt and shame to pity, sadness, or anger.
People are generally more susceptible to manipulation when they are in a heightened emotional state.
This is when the rational part of our brain isn’t working well, and we’re more likely to make bad decisions, say things we don’t mean, and… yes, give in to people who want to manipulate us.
This is exactly why it’s so important to stay calm when dealing with a narcissist.
Yes, it’s hard. Trust me, I’ve been in regular contact with a narcissist for years. I know how much emotional maturity and detachment it takes to get through these conversations without a hitch.
But if you don’t want the narcissist to have the upper hand in your relationship, it’s crucial that you don’t take their words personally, don’t value their opinions about you, and keep things as civil and detached as possible.
6) Don’t Try to Change the Narcissist
If there’s one thing that dealing with a narcissist has taught me, it’s that you can’t change them. You can’t fix them.
And all that effort you put into trying to change them for the better is a waste of time.
Look, I’m not saying you can’t try to push them in the right direction. One narcissist I know has been going to therapy for a few months now, in part because I suggested it to them.
It’s okay to be concerned for them and to offer them some kind of help. But there comes a point when you have to prioritize your well-being.
Ultimately, this is the most effective way to turn the tables on narcissists. Show them that you are your number one priority, just as they are theirs.
