There is a strong link between our childhood experiences and how we behave in our relationships as adults. For those of us who struggle to assert ourselves in relationships, the roots often go back to our upbringing.
The ability to assert yourself is often essential in life, and if you can’t do it, life ends up being more difficult than it should be.
Sometimes, it takes looking back at our early years to find the root cause of why we are the way we are. It won’t always be the same for everyone – but patterns certainly exist.
In this article, we’ll explore seven typical experiences shared by people who struggle to assert themselves in relationships.
1) Experiencing a Lack of Validation
For many people, the struggle to assert themselves in relationships often begins during childhood.
Children who grow up in environments where their feelings, thoughts, and experiences are constantly denied or invalidated learn to suppress their authentic selves. They may begin to believe that their perspectives don’t matter or that expressing their needs will lead to rejection or conflict.
Science has shown the link between parental neglect in early childhood and negative outcomes later in life.
The learned behavior can persist into adulthood. It makes people shy away from asserting themselves in their relationships. They would rather keep quiet, agree, or even suffer in silence than face the fear of not being good enough again.
It is important to understand that these patterns are learned responses to past experiences and not inherent personality traits.
Being able to recognize this is the first step toward breaking the cycle and learning healthier ways to assert oneself in relationships.
2) Growing Up in a Conflict-Averse Family
In my own life, I can see how growing up in a conflict-averse environment affected my ability to assert myself in relationships.
My parents were masters at avoiding confrontation. Any sign of disagreement or tension was quickly swept under the rug, replaced with forced smiles and a hasty change of subject. The message was clear: Conflict is bad, harmony is good.
As I grew older and began to form my relationships, I found myself reversing this behavior. I would avoid conflict, stay quiet about my needs, and even agree to things I didn’t want to do, all in the name of avoiding conflict.
It wasn’t until I became aware of this pattern that I was able to begin to challenge it. It’s been a long journey, but I now understand that healthy conflict is an essential part of any relationship and that asserting my needs doesn’t make me undesirable—it makes me authentic and genuine.
3) Growing Up in an Authoritarian Family
Many people who struggle to assert themselves in relationships often attribute their challenges to an authoritarian upbringing. In these families, parents exercise high levels of control over their children, with little room for negotiation or compromise.
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A study found that children raised in authoritarian families were more likely to grow up to be adults who struggled to express their needs and desires. This is because such environments often discourage open communication and encourage unquestioning compliance.
In adult relationships, this can manifest as difficulty standing up for oneself, expressing one’s own needs, and setting boundaries. It’s a pattern that can be difficult to break, but understanding its roots is a vital first step.
4) Seeing Unhealthy Relationship Dynamics
We model what we see early in life.
If the first thing we’re exposed to is unhealthy relationships, where are we supposed to learn how to have healthy relationships?
Those who witnessed unhealthy dynamics growing up, such as one partner being overly controlling and the other submissive, may internalize these roles.
They may unconsciously adopt the role of submissive in their relationships, and find it difficult to assert themselves when necessary.
But this is not a life sentence.
With awareness and effort, these patterns can be broken, and healthier relationship dynamics can be created. It’s all about recognizing the behavior, understanding where it’s coming from, and working toward change.
5) Feeling the need for perfection
As a child, I was always the “good kid.” The person who got good grades, never disobeyed orders, and always sought to please others. On the surface, it seemed like an admirable trait. But on the inside, it was more like a lot of pressure.
This need for perfection extended to my relationships. I found myself constantly walking on eggshells, making sure not to upset anyone, and always being the “perfect” partner or friend. But in doing so, I was suppressing my own needs and emotions.
Over time, I’ve come to realize that no one is perfect and that it’s okay to disappoint others sometimes. It’s okay to assert myself, express my opinions, and stand up for myself if I don’t agree with something. It’s an ongoing journey, but every day I’m learning to let go of perfection and embrace authenticity in my relationships.
6) Experiencing Emotional Neglect
Emotional neglect during childhood can impact our ability to assert ourselves in relationships later in life.
When a child’s emotional needs are consistently ignored or unmet, they may learn to suppress their emotions and needs. They may believe that their feelings are unimportant or even a burden to others.
This learned behavior can carry over into adulthood, causing the individual to struggle to express their needs and emotions in their relationships. They may fear being a burden or causing inconvenience, leading to a pattern of self-sacrifice and avoidance of confrontation.
However, understanding this connection between emotional neglect and difficulty asserting themselves can be a powerful tool for change. It allows for the undoing of harmful learning patterns and the cultivation of healthier communication habits.
7) Living with Unpredictable Caregivers
Growing up with unpredictable caregivers can have a lasting impact on a person’s ability to assert themselves in relationships.
When a child cannot predict how a caregiver will respond—whether they will be met with warmth or hostility—they learn to tread carefully. They may suppress their feelings, needs, and desires in an attempt to keep the peace and avoid triggering negative reactions.
This coping mechanism can seep into adulthood, making it difficult for individuals to express themselves openly and assertively in their relationships.
It is important to remember, however, that such patterns can be broken.
Final Thoughts: Breaking Free from Early Childhood
It is not news that early childhood experiences shape our identity.
Developmental psychology has demonstrated this immeasurably. While it is clear that our formative experiences shape our identity, that does not mean we have to remain stuck in this way forever.
