Self-esteem is a difficult thing. When it’s high, you feel like you’re on top of the world, ready to conquer anything that comes your way. But when it’s low, well… things can get a little tricky.
Low self-esteem isn’t just about feeling down; It’s about the behaviors that result from those feelings. These behaviors often project our self-image to the people around us, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy – yet they can easily go unnoticed by the person displaying them.
As someone who has worked with countless individuals in their relationships, I have seen these behaviors firsthand. And I’ve seen how it can affect our relationships without us knowing.
This article will shed some light on the behaviors that people with low self-esteem often display. I hope this awareness will help us understand each other better and foster more compassionate relationships, including our relationship with ourselves.
Remember that self-esteem is not a fixed trait; It can be improved with time and effort. So let’s dive in and uncover these seven behaviors that often go unfulfilled.
1) They apologize… excessively
Have you ever noticed how some people seem to constantly say “I’m sorry”? Even for things that aren’t their fault or responsibility?
This is a common trait among people with low self-esteem. They realize they are apologizing, of course, but to them it doesn’t seem out of place because they actually feel responsible for something going wrong, even when they have little control over the situation.
Sometimes an apology can be a way to get reassurance. It’s as if they are saying: “I’m sorry, please don’t be angry with me.” It is a defense mechanism, a way of trying to maintain harmony and avoid potential conflict.
But constantly apologizing can also be a sign of feelings of inferiority or unworthiness. It’s as if they expect people to look at them poorly.
The key here is the word “excessively”. It’s perfectly fine to apologize when you make a mistake. But everyone makes mistakes, and it is not necessary to apologize for every little thing.
2) They are often overly kind
Now, you’re probably thinking, “What’s wrong with being nice?” Nothing at all! Kindness is a beautiful and necessary quality. But like anything else, too much of it can be an indicator of an underlying problem.
People with low self-esteem often exaggerate their efforts to please others. They may always put the needs and desires of others before their own, sometimes to their detriment.
They do this because they seek approval and validation. They believe that if they can make others happy, they will be loved and accepted. But this often comes at a huge cost – their happiness and well-being.
Contrary to what might be expected, this behavior is not always about altruism; It’s often an attempt to feel good about themselves. It is a coping mechanism they use to combat feelings of worthlessness.
We must be aware of this behavior so that we avoid taking advantage of others in this situation – or putting ourselves in such a situation.
3) They find it difficult to accept compliments
When someone compliments us, it is a positive affirmation of our value or abilities. But for someone with low self-esteem, this assertion conflicts with their negative self-perception. They simply cannot believe it is true, so they reject or belittle it.
I have seen this over and over in my work. Someone compliments a client of mine and immediately shrugs it off, saying something like, “Oh, it was nothing” or “I’m not that good.” It’s as if they are uncomfortable with the idea that they deserve praise.
Now, in my book Breaking the Attachment: How to Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship, I go into more detail about how this type of behavior affects your relationships and what you can do to overcome it.
But for now, just remember: If you notice someone routinely turning down compliments, it could be a sign that they’re struggling with their self-esteem.
4) They avoid eye contact
Eye contact is a powerful form of nonverbal communication. It can convey trust, interest, and respect. But not everyone feels comfortable with this, such as people with low self-esteem. Conversely, maintaining eye contact can be very uncomfortable.
So what do they do instead? They may look down, away, or somewhere other than your eyes.
The reason for this is simple: eye contact can seem very intimate and revealing. It’s like letting someone see your soul. For someone who constantly struggles with feelings of self-doubt or unworthiness, this can be a scary prospect.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” There is a lot of truth in that. But when you suffer from low self-esteem, it can be difficult to remember your worth.
5) They are always second-guessing themselves
Have you ever met someone who seems unable to make a decision? They constantly question their choices, even regarding the smallest things. For some people, this constant self-doubt is a clear sign of low self-esteem.
During my years of working with individuals, I have seen how this self-doubt can affect people. It’s mentally exhausting and perpetuates a cycle of negative self-talk and indecision.
What is the reason for this behavior? That’s because people with low self-esteem often struggle with confidence — specifically, trusting themselves. They doubt their abilities and question their judgment, making decision-making a source of stress and anxiety.
It’s important to remember that it’s okay to make mistakes. It is by making mistakes that we learn and grow. So, ditch the need to make the perfect decision, and make the best decision possible.
You may find it helpful to remember this great quote by Maya Angelou: “Do your best until you know best. Then when you know best, do best.
6) They are perfection
Perfectionism is often viewed as a positive trait. After all, who doesn’t want to strive for the best?
But there is a dark side to it that I have seen in many of the individuals I have worked with. They set unrealistically high standards for themselves and beat themselves up when they cannot achieve them.
It’s a never-ending cycle of setting high expectations, failing to meet them, and then feeling bad about oneself.
This type of behavior often stems from fear of failure or rejection. These individuals are full of doubt and fear that they are not good enough, so they try to be perfect in an attempt to prove their worth.
If you or someone you know falls into the trap of perfection, remember that it’s okay to be imperfect. We all are. The key is to strive for progress, not perfection.
7) They constantly compare themselves to others
Social media has made it so easy to compare ourselves to others. We see the highlights of people’s lives and we start to feel like we don’t measure up. This comparison game is toxic and is especially harmful to people with low self-esteem.
From personal experience, I can tell you this: it’s a losing game. No one’s life is as perfect as it looks on Instagram. We all have our struggles, insecurities, and bad days. But when you’re already dealing with low self-esteem, it can be hard to remember.
People with low self-esteem often use these comparisons as a way to validate their negative self-perceptions. They look at someone else’s success or happiness and think, “See? I knew I wasn’t good enough.”
The truth is that we are all on our unique journeys. We have our own set of strengths, weaknesses, experiences, and challenges. Comparing yourself to someone else is like comparing apples to oranges. This doesn’t make any sense.
So, next time you find yourself looking at the green grass on the other side, take a step back. Remind yourself that you are seeing a curated version of someone else’s life, not the full picture.
Most importantly, remember that your worth is not determined by how well you stand up to someone else.
