If you’ve had much experience with manipulators before, you’ll know that these individuals don’t walk around with a sign on their head that says, “I’m a manipulator.”
Quite the contrary, they tend to portray themselves as very friendly and likeable.
If you think about it, this makes sense, because you wouldn’t get close to anyone wearing the mark of a manipulator.
But by hiding their true intentions behind a friendly facade, they can swoop in and gain your trust before turning the tables and revealing their true motives – control and power.
However, by being aware of these nine hidden behaviors of covert manipulators, you can protect yourself from their hidden agendas.
1) Exudes charm
One of the first behaviors you’ll notice in a secretly manipulative person is their impeccable ability to project charm.
They seem friendly and attractive when you first meet them. However, this charm is superficial, and serves as a tool to disarm you and gain your trust.
In romantic relationships, this is known as love bombing, a tactic where the manipulator smothers you with love, attention, and gifts.
But this is also common in social situations, where a manipulator charms everyone they meet to gain a good reputation and win people over, and then manipulates them later.
2) Constant flattery
While it is known that manipulators love to destroy their victims’ self-esteem, many people don’t realize that before they do this, they are intentionally boosting your ego.
Compliments are tools that manipulators use to portray themselves as friendly and charming.
Manipulators have a habit of showering others (especially those they have just met) with compliments, making them feel appreciated.
This is a calculated strategy to create a feeling of indebtedness or dependency.
They hope that by boosting your ego, you will put them on a pedestal, allowing them to take control.
This is a very subtle tactic, because we often don’t realize that the compliment is not genuine. But if someone gives you an unusual amount of praise, it may indicate that they are insincere.
3) Playing the victim
It’s easy to feel sorry for the victim. The victim seems like a good person who did nothing wrong.
Because manipulators want to appear to be the “good stuff,” they like to portray themselves as victims.
So, one behavior you will notice in a covert manipulator is feigning weakness or sharing personal stories to elicit sympathy from you and others.
Why do they do that?
Manipulators have an uncanny ability to understand and exploit other people’s feelings, especially empathy.
Playing the victim creates an emotional bond that they can later leverage for their own gain.
But how do you detect whether someone’s personal stories are true or false?
It can be difficult, especially if they use the same emotional narrative with others. But their stories can sometimes seem rehearsed or inconsistent.
Here’s another behavior associated with playing the victim…
4) Evading responsibility
You know that person who’s always caught up in drama, but it’s never their fault?
They are probably not just unlucky, but are skilled manipulators who constantly evade responsibility and shift blame onto others.
Why do they do that?
By admitting their faults and mistakes, they are less likely to appear as victims who cannot do harm.
The more they take responsibility for their actions, the more you notice their flaws. Part of the manipulator’s strategy is to keep his flaws hidden at all costs.
Therefore, they may blame someone or something else to evade responsibility.
Other tactics they may use are:
Denial – Complete denial of their involvement in something, even if evidence suggests otherwise
Projection – turning the tables and blaming you for their actions
Playing dumb – using the ignorance card
Another common tactic is rationalization.
Related : 8 forms of disrespect you should never tolerate from your partner, according to psychology
According to the American Psychological Association, rationalization is when someone creates incorrect but logical reasons to justify unacceptable behavior and thus protect their reputation. In simple terms, they talk their way out of blame.
This behavior allows them to avoid the consequences of their actions and maintain control.
5) Selective honesty
Covert manipulators often appear open and transparent using a tactic known as selective honesty.
They carefully choose what to reveal and what to hide.
For example, they may strategically reveal personal information or experiences to create a false sense of intimacy while withholding important details that could reveal their true intentions.
6) Hidden passive aggression
Just by looking at these seemingly friendly behaviors, you may notice the passive aggressive tendencies of the secret manipulator.
One common way they show subtle passive aggression is by flattering them with fist bumps, also known as shrugs.
It is a remark that contains both a compliment and an insult, such as:
“You’re not as stupid as you look.”
“Your new haircut makes your nose look smaller.”
“I didn’t expect you to get the job – congratulations!”
Research studies indicate that manipulators use deceptive compliments when they want to assert power and superiority.
It also undermines your self-confidence and lowers your self-esteem by creating a feeling of doubt and insecurity. This makes you more vulnerable to seeking validation and approval from the manipulator.
The problem with neglect is that the manipulator disguises his criticism as a compliment, making it difficult for you to confront him.
Often, you don’t notice the hidden insult right away. But later you might wonder, “Did they really say that, or am I just imagining it?”
7) Violating your boundaries
Manipulative people often ignore personal boundaries, and the more you identify with one, the more you’ll spot this behavior.
You may notice that the manipulative person begins to invade your personal space or interfere in your private affairs.
One common way I’ve noticed manipulators do this is by being “too much” physically affectionate.
They will hug you when it’s not necessary (i.e. not when you greet or say goodbye). Often, when this happens, it will feel forced rather than natural.
At first, you might think that this is just a personality trait of being a little ‘chubby’, but it’s not – it’s another carefully calculated strategy.
This behavior establishes dominance and control, making it easier for them to manipulate and exploit you.
Research shows that physical affection makes us feel closer to the other person. In particular, hugging has been shown to release large amounts of oxytocin, the love hormone.
8) Gossiping about you
Of course, one of the most common signs of a fake friendly person is when they are nice to our face, but talk about us behind our backs.
Although many people who like to gossip are not manipulative per se, this is a common manipulation tactic.
Here’s how it works…
Manipulators create rumors and spread lies about you, with the aim of damaging your reputation.
By doing so, they can turn others against you and isolate you.
This is just one way manipulators try to reduce the size of their victims’ support circle.
Why?
The fewer close friends you have, the fewer people you have to shape your thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors. As a result, it becomes easier for the manipulator to exert control over you.
What’s more…
If everyone except the manipulator turns against you, you will likely rely on them for emotional support and validation, giving them the power they are looking for.
So, if you suspect someone in your life is manipulative and you hear rumors going around, you know who the culprit is!
9) Gas lighting
Gaslighting is a well-known manipulative tactic. But, according to Dr. Megan Rice of TalkSpace, many people don’t realize when it’s happening to them.
This is because covert manipulators are skilled at making others question their reality without them even knowing it.
Manipulation usually occurs when you already trust the manipulator, so you are more likely to believe what he or she says without questioning it.
However, it is important to remember that gaslighting is a type of psychological abuse.
So, pay attention to how you feel when interacting with the person in question.
Have you ever doubted your memory, reason, or perception of reality?
Have you ever asked yourself or thought that you are overreacting to something or feeling crazy?
If so, you may have unwittingly been a victim of gaslighting.
finalthoughts
Recognizing the signs of manipulation in seemingly friendly people is crucial to protecting your health and ensuring that only healthy relationships are pursued.
Since the behaviors described above are subtle, try to remain vigilant and trust your instincts when dealing with people, especially those you have met recently.
If you notice many of these behaviors in someone, don’t be afraid to set firm boundaries and prioritize real relationships in your life.
