There’s a fine line between being assertive in a relationship and being controlling.
The difference? Free will. When someone is controlling, they typically use manipulative tactics to get what they want. This is often done subtly and under the guise of love or care.
But it’s important to recognize these tactics for what they are—manipulation. And believe it or not, there are clear signs that show when someone is using them.
This article reveals the nine manipulative tactics that controlling people often display in relationships. Let’s break them down together.
1) Gaslighting
Gaslighting is one of the most common and insidious tactics used by controlling individuals.
Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic where one party makes the other question their reality, memory, or perceptions. The term comes from the 1944 film “Gaslight,” in which a husband manipulates his wife into thinking she’s crazy.
In relationships, this can take many forms. For example, one partner may deny that certain events happened or dismiss the other person’s feelings as “exaggeration” or “imagining things.”
The goal? To make the other person doubt their own judgment and become more dependent on the manipulator for their version of reality.
It’s a subtle form of control because it undermines one’s self-confidence. Recognizing this tactic is the first step toward countering it.
But remember, it’s crucial to trust your own experiences and feelings. Don’t let someone else redefine your reality.
2) Guilt
Another manipulation tactic that controlling people often use is guilt.
Guilt is when someone makes you feel guilty to get their way. They may twist the situation to make it seem like everything is your fault, or they constantly remind you of a mistake you made in the past.
I remember one instance in a previous relationship where I was constantly feeling guilty for wanting to hang out with my friends. My partner would say things like, “Sure, go ahead and have fun. I’ll be here by myself.”
It was a clear attempt to manipulate me into staying home. The guilt I felt every time I wanted to go out was overwhelming.
But over time, I realized that this was not healthy behavior. In a balanced relationship, both partners should be free to maintain their individual lives outside of the relationship. It’s okay to spend time with friends, and it’s okay to want to spend time alone.
3) Isolation
A few years ago, I was in a relationship where my partner was constantly criticizing my friends and family. Subtle at first, then more overt as time went on.
I found myself slowly distancing myself from the people I loved, spending less time with them, and missing out on gatherings and events. I didn’t even realize what was happening until I looked around one day and felt like it was just me and my partner against the world.
This is isolation.
It’s a confusing tactic used by controlling partners who want to eliminate any outside influences or support that might challenge their control over you.
The goal? To make you feel alone and dependent on them.
But that’s the thing.
You are not alone.
Reconnecting with your support network is an essential step to regaining your independence and breaking free from a controlling relationship.
4) Constant Criticism
Have you been in a relationship where nothing you do seems good enough? You may be dealing with a controlling partner who uses constant criticism as a manipulation tactic.
This can be anything from belittling your accomplishments, to undermining your abilities, or even ridiculing your dreams and ambitions. The goal is to chip away at your self-esteem, leaving you feeling worthless and dependent on their validation.
It’s important to recognize that each person has their own strengths and weaknesses. Constructive criticism is one thing, but if your partner’s comments leave you feeling small and inadequate, it’s time to question the dynamics of your relationship.
Remember that a loving partner should build you up, not tear you down.
5) Threats and Ultimatums
Using threats and ultimatums is a particularly damaging tactic used by controlling individuals.
This can range from threats to end the relationship, to more severe threats of harm or even suicide. The goal is to create fear and anxiety, making you feel like you have no choice but to comply with their demands.
Ultimatums are also a form of manipulation. They create a false dichotomy, forcing you to choose between two extremes, usually with the goal of getting you to do what they want.
If you experience threats or ultimatums in your relationship, this is a clear sign of a controlling partner. Seek help from trusted friends, family, or professionals if you find yourself in this situation.
6) Love Bombing
This tactic may seem positive, but it’s not. Love bombing occurs when a controlling partner showers you with excessive affection and attention from the very beginning of the relationship.
They may make grand gestures, shower you with gifts, or constantly tell you how perfect you are. It may seem amazing, like a whirlwind romance, but there’s a dark side to it.
The goal is to quickly make you emotionally dependent on them. Once they feel they’ve earned your trust and commitment, controlling and manipulative behavior can set in.
Building healthy love takes time and should never feel rushed or overwhelmed. If you find yourself amid a love bombing campaign, take a step back and assess the situation objectively. Healthy relationships are about balance, respect, and mutual growth.
7) Financial Control
Controlling individuals may insist on accessing your bank accounts, controlling your spending, or even preventing you from working.
In my previous relationship, my ex insisted on paying for everything, and at first, it seemed like a generous gesture. But over time, I realized that this was their way of controlling me. They made me feel guilty for wanting to contribute, and eventually, I became financially dependent on them.
It wasn’t until I got out of that relationship that I truly understood the importance of financial independence. Finances should always be a shared responsibility in a relationship, with both partners having equal say and control.
8) The Silent Treatment
The silent treatment is a passive-aggressive form of manipulation that controlling individuals often use. It involves ignoring or refusing to communicate with the other person until they give in to your demands.
Being subjected to the silent treatment can be extremely stressful. It can leave you feeling anxious, guilty, and desperate to resolve whatever issue it is that caused it.
However, healthy communication is crucial in any relationship. Everyone has disagreements, but they should be resolved through open and honest conversation, not through punishment or withdrawal of affection.
9) Blame Shifting
Last, but certainly not least, is blame shifting. This is when a controlling person doesn’t take responsibility for their actions and always finds a way to shift the blame onto you.
Whether it’s a disagreement or a mistake they made, it always ends up being your fault. This is a deliberate tactic to keep you on the defensive, constantly trying to justify yourself instead of addressing their behavior.
The most important thing to remember is this: everyone makes mistakes and everyone should take responsibility for their actions. If your partner is constantly shifting the blame onto you, it’s not just unfair, it’s manipulative. Stand up for your position and don’t let them evade responsibility.
Final Thoughts: It’s All About Respect
The fabric of human relationships is complex and intertwined with different emotions and behaviors. When it comes to manipulation in relationships, the underlying issue often boils down to a lack of respect.
Respect, in its simplest form, means acknowledging the other person’s autonomy, feelings, and needs. A controlling partner who uses manipulative tactics often ignores these aspects, causing hurt and distress.
If you notice any of these tactics in your relationships, remember that you’re not alone. Countless others have been in similar situations and found ways to reclaim their autonomy.
Whether it’s seeking help from a trusted friend or professional, or finding solace in support groups, some resources can help you navigate this.
The journey may be difficult, but it’s worth it. Because everyone deserves a relationship built on mutual respect, trust, and love—free from manipulation and control.
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